Thread: Going crazy and need all the advice i can get

Wow - I read your post and it could have been written by me back when I was first married! I, too, hadn't had sex until I was engaged (waited for my husband), and after we got married I expected to romp like rabbits at lease once a day, but that was just not the case. Our work hours conflicted a lot, but still my husband was only interested in sex about once a week, if I was lucky. This went on for a lot of years - I tried to talk with him about it,we went to counselling, and I DID tell my friends hoping desperately for some advice, but no one seemed to relate at all. Nothing seemed to help and I'm sorry to say that I basically allowed myself to emotionally detatch from him. I am a Christian and I took my marriage vows seriously and don't believe in divorce, so I have stayed married to him for 16 years now, and have 3 kids and I struggle to love him. I am attracted to someone else and have fears that if that man ever made a move for me I would fall into adultery and destroy my family.

I deeply wish that instead of emotionally shutting off, I had really fought for my marriage. Back then, I thought it was just something I had to accept and live with, but I see now that it was damaging to our relationship and I should have taken more drastic steps to make him understand my needs. At the time I kept telling him I needed more romance and sex, and he kept insisting that I was asking too much of him, and he actually even felt used. Looking back, he was completely absorbed with establishing his career and thought he was doing the right thing to take care of us and our future. Sadly, he was completely neglecting nurturing our relationship, and I let him get away with it.

I still can't talk to him completely openly about this. I can't bring myself to tell him that I struggle to love him, and sure can't tell him of being attracted to anyone else. Sometimes I fantasize about him dying - boy, then I really feel ashamed of myself because he really is a good husband now. He's had a strong sex drive suddenly for the past 2 years, but it is just "too little, too late" for me.

Anyway, my advice to you is FIGHT for your marriage. If you love this man, then do whatever you need to do to let him know how important this is. Come up with a list of steps he needs to take and move out until he completes it - like getting counselling or making the effort to make sure you feel wanted and loved. Trust me, this is a problem with HIM, so don't lose your self-confidence. Marriage is work - both of you will have to change and work together, and if he isn't willing to change, then it's better that you know that now before kids come along. It may be that he CANT change because of past issues, and if that's the case, again, require that he be in counselling to work on it. If he doesnt' want to, move out until he does.

I hope this helps you out. At least you know you're not alone.

oh god bless you
you have no idea how great it is to know that at least one other person out there knows how i feel.
sometimes i spend the night awake next to him, trying to figure out whats wrong with me.
i would really like to solve this problem, but everytime i bring it up he says, " let me do it my way" and " didn't we have hot sex like 2 days ago?", or " why are you complaining cause you haven't had sex in 2 days?"

this afternoon i set the mood, dragged him to the bedroom where i put a spread on the carpet so the sheets would be clean and started to strip him and kiss him but nothing. he seemed so afraid of me.

i am honestly rotting away from inside. i dont know what to do. i can't move out without my family finding out and how the heck do i explain to them whats wrong?
he is a great guy and my family adores him, and ofcourse me not being able to say anything they would blame me for being a spoiled and hurting my husband.

i am really at a loss. you think he will go to counselling? last time i suggested it, he said, " counselling is for crazy people and i sure aint crazy, you can go by yourself to solve your problem".

he is a great guy, educated, smart, funny but i just dont feel like he really knows what i want. when he hurts me emotionally he just says, " I didnt do anything".

the problem is i can't move out, i cant get him to go to counselling, i can't get him to listen to me without yelling back. or he says, you are really boring me with this whole sex thing.
On top of all that he has extremely bad jealousy problems and without me even saying anything, he says, " oh im sorry if i cant have sex like your girlfriends loser boyfriends".
what am i to do? I feel like a horny pig. i am disgusted by myself asking for sex and throwing myself at him. somehow deep inside i am mad at him for wasting away my youth and enthusiasm for physical love and admiration.

is there a special way to get him to understand me and listen to me for a change?

You are no some disgusting pig for wanting sex.... you should be mad that he is wasting away your youth and physical beauty and attraction. Your needs are not being met. Sex should be fun, light, and enjoying. You are sharing a deep part or yourself and only expressing yourself on an intaimate sexual level. It is killing your sexual self expression. Read other ppls posts that say their sexual needs don't match their partners............ after years they feel part of themselves have never been fulfilled. You guys decided to be partners for life and share everything. There are probably things he likes to do that you do not outside the bedroom. That you have very lil interest in but do it to share with him.

Its about building a well rounded life in all areas together. That is why so many ppl get married and are so unhappy cause part of themselves has to be put on a shelf cause the other person is so selfish and can't see past their own needs to help their partners with theirs.

Marriage is about give and take ,compromise, tolerance, and
understanding. Why don't ppl see this? why does he not look at the big picture and see how he is damaging a part of your guys relationship... cutting it off before it ever gets established.

Don't say you can't move out cause you can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter what other ppl think.......... its YOUR life. ONlY YOU can decide what is right and wrong for you.

YOU should not have to throw yourself at your husband he should passionatly want to be inside of you giving you much pleassure and building that intiamcy with you.

In the good times good memories should be made so in the bad times ya have fuel to get thru them knowing why you chose to marry and stand by this man.

This will only build resentment and an emotional distance in your marriage ASK your husband if he wants that.

I wish you all the luck in finding a balance in this situation