Day 5 of seperation

**Passion** · 11-20-2008 07:12 PM

This morning I went to check on the dogs, I felt the urge to be surrounded by a familiar place. I spoke to his mom, and talked about my moving on. His mother has always been very helpful and loving towards me. I am just like a daughter to her she says. the day he asked for a divorce he talked to her and told her first. She mentioned that he still loved me and would always try to be there for me. I picked up more stuff from his house and realized it was too much to bring over to my mom's so I decided to leave behind the things that really don't matter. His mom wanted to help but I couldn't allow her to do so as doing so will only hurt me more. She mentioned to me that he was thinking of leaving the house, renting a studio, keeping his dog and getting rid of the two other ones. This hurt me tremendously as he already has a plan. My friends were with me and helped me get some of my stuff out. In the morning after my conversation with his mom i became angry as he mentioned to her that I had let myself go, gained weight, did not dress nice enough, and did not take care of myself. He said he had clients with whom he and his wife needed to be presentable. I am not an ugly girl, yes gained about 10-15 pounds, let go of my clothes, and on my appearance. This hurt me the most so he left me because he no longer was attracted to me is one of his excuses. I then disconnected his cell phone as it is under my name and don't want him to ruin my credit. So I did not think twice today in the past days I refused to disconnected as he needs it for his clients. My emotions went out of control I took a long drive and cried and cried all the way. One thing I am am proud of myself I made an appointment for counseling and I am looking forward to it. Next I will make an appointment to get my hair done and then to the dentist. A necessity and a luxury that I neglected before. This gave me the push to do this for myself. Its not for him but to make me feel better about this mess. I am so glad that all my friends are along my side ready to pick me up when I fall. I did not know I had so many friends that really cared about me. I know I will continue to be in this rollercoster probably for a while but I know I can count on friends to lean on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-20-2008 08:43 PM

I am very pleased that there is a lot of love surrounding you and it is very hard as well, when your "partners" parents are also like family, I am sorry.

I guess when a time comes you have to start to plan... Don't be angry, I had to do it too, you have to you don't have a choice... whether you go through is another story, in this case it is, but you still think and try to have a plan.

It's just the way our logical brain thinks.

I am also glad that you are going to have councelling.

Can you take the other two dogs?

Day 5 is way still very early okay, so keep being surrounded by those you love.

Perhaps ask your Mother-in-law not to discuss what he has said, does say, you don't really need to know that, it plays havoc with your mind, when you don't really know what he is really thinking ok.

Do, do those things for yourself.

Forget that he put you down, the strongers survivor is the one that comes out on top, in front and does things to please themselves.

CW

**Passion** · 11-20-2008 09:56 PM

I know that this pain that I have will last a long time. He meant everything to me and for 15 years he was the only one my best friend the one that I was able to tell everything. I lost two people in him. I guess talking to his mom somehow makes me feel close to him but i only end up hurting myself. The two dogs will suffer the consequences as I am not able to take them with me. I am trying really hard to find a home for them. sadly each of us will go in separate ways. I will try to hold on to each and everyone of my friends to help me through this. I am looking forward to counseling to help me organize my thoughts and emotions.

**Searching_82** · 11-21-2008 07:30 AM

Hi there. I'm going through something similar only I was the one who initiated on my end, but for different reasons. I still know how you feel though..being so close with the family, dogs involved, moving back in with the parents....it's very very hard. I just realized that while I loved my husband..it was not the love that a husband and wife should feel..it was something different...I could go on for hours as to why I left but I wont.

I am glad that you are doing things for yourself again. I am doing the same. I started a regular exercise program that so far I have actually stuck to! Taking better care of myself...and really improved on a lot of things personally.

Are you going to couples counceling or just counceling for yourself. I go to counceling for myself and I can tell you that it has helped LOADS with the separation. Good for you for taking that step! It WILL benefit. There IS light at the end of this tunnel, I promise

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted!

**elsa_niloo** · 11-21-2008 01:43 PM

hi passion

i read your reply to another thread by search_82. and oh my god, i feel for you.
I think that marriage is not to be taken lightly and he can't just show up one day and say that he is not attracted to you anymore. so what? he can always tell you to dress better and excercise. Lots of couples do that.

his work? I'm sorry but i think that after so long he owes at least half if not more of his career to you. You may not have physically gone to his work and did the work for him, but you have been there through all the hard and stressful times of his life.

I think he is just a selfish guy who does not want to mend your love bond and rather do nothing. If i were you, I would take care of myself so well and move on. And I do promise you honey that he will be back at your door begging and then at that point you would have the upper hand and decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

You hang in there and I hope to god that you do find a man that is worth you.

**Passion** · 11-21-2008 02:15 PM

Thank you, I am in an emotional roller coaster and I need all the help I can get. I know it will take time but I know that I will heel and like I heard it so many times, it will make me a better person or so I hope.

**Passion** · 11-22-2008 02:29 AM

Tonight my friends took me out to dance. I told them I did not want to go but they insisted and would not take no for an answer. I appreciate their effort of them to try to make me forget but it is not easy. First of all I felt too old to be there, It wasn't my scene and It made me feel worse, I felt like my young days had passed me by along his side. I had settled down and I did not want to be in the single scene without him. I felt horrible and was really upset all through the night. I felt like just walking away but I wasn't driving. I started to realize how I was no longer young and that I was too old for this starting over my life. I was thinking horrible thoughts and I felt as he had left me for a younger women, beautiful, and thin. I started to cry and It made me feel horrible about myself. I don't want to move on doing this I was a women who had settled down because that scene was no longer for me. Now I feel like he used me, and now that i am older he threw me away. The worst feeling yet. I wanted to disappear of this face of the earth and the tunnel just got longer. This is my first friday without him by my side. I just have this huge feeling he is seeing his friend.

**Lakerat** · 11-22-2008 04:08 PM

Passion im very sorry .....Your emotions will be very dramatic/extreem for a while...those of us who have been through this understand.
It is a part of starting over we all must go thru....not a good part but a part...as time goes by you will get them somewhat under controll.....I belive that all of these emotions must run their course before true healing can began...and they can take a while....as time goes you will get better...as you learn to stand on your own...you will find that inner strength you need to move on...with strength comes confidence....with confidence comes self worth..and so on ....(maybe not exactly in that order)...you may grow into more than you ever thought possable....never underestimate yourself...leave that for outhers...

As for going out ....you will be ready when ...you are ready...it is a lil diffrent for us old farts(me)...but there are places out for people more our age.....

Remember its a new beganing...new things to learn (re learn) but you will get there...just give yourself time to do it on your terms and at your pace
Sometimes we all need a lil nudge to get there

but you will get there.
Wish ya the best of luck....

**WildChild** · 11-22-2008 07:39 PM

Good advice Lak. Passion Don't know how old you are but you aren't finished until you decide to quit! You are on the right track taking care of your health and doing things to feel more attractive and to pamper yourself. Start getting a good walk or some exersize everyday, paint your toenails, no matter what you are doing always wear earrings, I do this and it's just a little reminder that I'm worth the effort. When you spend too much time around a man who disregards you and pays no attention it's easy to get sloppy. You feel like, who cares. YOU should care! Do what makes you feel good.

His mom isn't your freind or being caring if she is sharing information like how you let your self go and don't dress well. That's a dig, not a help. CWs advice on that is good, just tell her you don't care to have her repeating his confidences. Reminds me of a line in a Stevie Nicks song, Did you say that she's pretty? I don't want to know.

Ride the rollercoaster, take time to breathe and journal and discover what you want now. You have so many options open to you!

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