Thread: still confused- Day 9 of separation

Hi Passion
I received your reply on my post. It is hard, however you are doing the right thing for both yourself and your husband. Again, i am in the same situation but in your husband's shoes and I can tell you that if he, like me, feels lost and needs to be independant again to find himself, to 'stand on his own two feet' like he said to you then you letting him do that is extremely benficial to him. In the end it will be to you as well. Do you want to be in a marriage where your partner cannot give you their all? Where you are not the number one thing on their mind but 500 other things are? I am not trying to defend your husband, but only to help maybe...enlighten you on your end. I can almost guarentee you that as happy as your husband seems he probably isn't. What I mean by that is when I see my ex I try and be happy and bubbly in order to keep his spirits up...but it hurts me to see how bad he is hurting and I'm sure your hubby feels the same way. I'm a people pleaser myself, so when I see someone not happy my immediate thought is "Omg what can I do to fix this"..unfortunately in this situation the only way to fix his sorrow is for me to come back..and I can't do that to myself.

It's hard, but you do have support on this board! This is what I look forward too is this board, and my therapy. Why don't you take this time to work on you? Focus on you for once! Yes, you want your partner there with you but he needs to do what he needs to do and like you said, if it's meant to be your paths will cross one day again. In the meantime find a new hobby! Scrapbook! Yoga! Pilates! Join a gym! Ummm not sure if in your area they have the pole dancing fitness but they do in mine and it is so-much-fun! Do a pottery class, or try a new look....who knows! With every cloud there is a silver lining...let this be your silver lining. You're awesome and amazing...recognize that...focus on that...reward yourself for that. Reward yourself for not being selfish in this situation. Reward yourself for allowing yourself to love someone else more than you love yourself (you're obviously doing this in letting him go for his own happiness).

Again, if you need ANYTHING, I'm here.

I've read your posts Passion you are in a lot of pain. Your husband sounds like he is going thru a lil mid life crisis. Maybe he has realized his age and doesn't like it. He dicarded everything in order to recapture youth. When the dellusion wears off he will be the fool not you hun.

15 years is a long time and i'm sorry you have lost your best friend. Yes your emotions are all over the place questioning yourself and the what if's. You are ok and you are going to be ok. He rejected himself before he ever rejected you.

Make sure you do something nice for yourself each day you are worth it. Channel this negative experience into something very posititve for yourself and those around you. Take this pain turn it around into something happy and beautiful as women that is what we do best.

I know these 9 days have tortured you and it seems like a life time without your husband. From your writing you are very good at self expresstion and creative. Maybe its time for you to explore you creative side. Maybe you have repressed your creative side to support your husband's.

I send you lots of love xx I hope tomorrow is better for you.

Thank you all for all your support. I truly need it. I am in a lot of pain and I am an emotional roller coaster. Not knowing what is going to happen and not knowing anything about him. The house is there abandoned and it seems like he does not care. I wonder what is going through his mind why such a sudden change. He can't look into my eyes and be a real man. So he wants to erase me from his life completely and maybe that is the best for me but what about all the times that we spent together happy. I feel like I have an obsession and addiction and I feel completely lost. My body cant seem to stop shaking. Today I am so angry at him and I wonder what I ever saw in him but then I think about all the love that I thought we shared. It is very difficult for me. I can't wait till I don't care anymore but I know that he will leave a scar in my heart. To see it all those years thrown in the trash like he did. I found out that he is staying in West hollywood, he does not have any friends there but that women. That women who was able to get in between us. She sure had a plan, followed the plan and it worked. HIs love was not real, he seems really obsessed with her as well to leave me one day and start living with her two days after. I am scared that he has real feelings for her that they will marry and have the children I was not able to give to him. Today, I fixed myself really nice and it felt good but it only lasted a couple of minutes. None of this makes sense to me and I don't know how to restart my life without him by my side. I feel so alone he left a gap in my heart. I know I need to move on and take it day by day. But there is not one moment that i don't think about him. So he needs to be a real man so he says. but he is not being one. I never thought in my life that he was that kind of a man, He dissapointed me tremendously.

Oh honey, i'm sooo sorry you are feeling so much pain.
Your husband sounds like man who used you, your youth, time and support to get ahead and now he is being ungreatful.
I know you feel weak, sad and sorry for yourself, but none of these are the methods for starting over.

You know what will help you stand back on your legs, not pity, not sorrow, not hate, rather anger. The method i suggest is that everytime you think about how much you miss him, remember how he used you and be mad and in order to get back at him, think about how you can get ahead.

If i were you, i would go buy a whole bunch of books about how to give my life a makeover, change my appearance, my way of thinking, my career and etc.
Then i would go get my hair and nails done and get a very good massage.
After that i would go sit in a coffee shop and read the books and try to re-invent yourself.
Your marriage may have come to an end, but your life has NOT.

You are not dead and he is not the only potion that can bring you back to life.
He should have realized that being around you, talking with you, being with you a luxury and a privilage. Yet he was too dumb to appreciate that privilage.

I hate giving advice but i merely suggest to you that instead of focusing so much on how much you miss him, be mad at him, hate him and revenge him by improving yourself in every way, emotionally, physically, intellectually.

We are always here to listen to you and be there for you but wallow time is over missy. Start giving yourself a makeover, make yourself feel better and get out there.

best of luck to you

Interestingly enough, I too am in a mix of emotions. I feel so alienated. I have no one to turn to, not really. I feel so hopeless. God is the only one who can help me now, and I pray that he gives me the strength, and you too! We are not alone, although it sure does feel like it. The hurt eventually will go away, but it's gonna take time.

I am 39 and separated from my husband of 4 years for 3 weeks. He will not communicate with me and has said that he has nothing to say to me (numerous times) but he is paying bills in the home. He won't go to counseling and says I need it more than him. He says that I have verbally abused him and he won't forgive me when actually we BOTH said terrible things to each other over the years. My husband goes to church every single week and refuses to forgive me for any hurt I've caused him. I feel so alone. My girlfriends have been supportive but I just don't know what I am suppose to do while we're separated. Do I continue to reach out even though he's mean and cold when I try to talk to him or do I take this for what it is........over? He still has keys and comes in an out. I feel like I'm in limbo.