please help!

**thecowsarefrozen** · 11-25-2008 11:29 PM

i am 22 and my hubbie is 29. i think i am falling out of love with him. i know he loves me with all his heart and i sound selfish, but i dont think i am happy with him anymore. we hardly have sex! i am lucky sometimes to get it once every 2 weeks! we have been married for 2 years. i was 19 when we got married and i think i just liked the idea of a wedding and not a marriage. i have had problems with him since before we were married! i cant even get him to take out the trash!! i know marriage is hard work, but i dont know if i am willing to work for him. i feel like he is my father half the time! when we are intimate, he just wants to get it over with. he will not experiment with oral, foreplay, toys nothing! i never get into sex with him. i just feel stuck! ni have made my needs clear to him and he will not do it! his mom stayed home with them all their lives and spoiled him and his sibblings to death! she made his lunch until he graduated highschool!!! so he thinks it is the womans job to please her man. i dont believe that, it is a 2 way street. he tries to make things better sometimes, but i just feel that we have a one-sided relationship. there is no spark there and i honestly dont know what it was about him that attracted me. i have tried to change him, but i cant. it's not fair to him for me to do that. so do i leave or do i stay?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-26-2008 02:34 AM

Hey there.

Firstly, you are no orphan at all, what you described is stated over and over again.

Sometimes, we get swepped away with an "idea" and go with that "idea"... and, you know before you take that step further that it's the wrong one but you think you can make it all different, after all, you will be married.

Mix-matches are that. Mix-matched.

You are young, and you are not happy... you can't change someone and your right, nor is it fair to do so...

You are just mix-matched and hey, sometimes you actually don't work that out until later, you may have had a "gut" feeling, that is what we are meant to follow, but we look at things through rose coloured glasses and "think" it will be different.

Always follow your gut feelings... what it tells you.

Nothing we can say to you can make that decision for you, do i leave? Do, I stay? Are you happy?

No..

Smile.... and know what it is you want out of life, and therefore, what type of man that could compliment that, if this one can't, a ring is a ring, a change of name is a change of name... Go back to being whom you are, were, will be.

CW

**Joy** · 11-26-2008 09:40 AM

Ya your job is to please your husband but its also his job to please you. If its all about him feeling good then that is one sided. Lots of couples don't match up in the sex department. sound s like you want a deep sensual experience but what you are getting is a quickie everytime. Its hard to be with someone that is closed off sexually when you are not.

You can't change him but you can talk to him about meeting you halfway. If there is no room for compromise there is not much room for personal developement inside your marriage.

marriage is hard work and you have to make sure there are enough good times to fuel up on to get you thru the bad times.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-01-2008 02:40 PM

Been a few days since you posed this question... Perhaps, you are waiting for more opinions, so I'll bring the thread back up.

CW

**WildChild** · 12-01-2008 10:26 PM

Ideally the two of you should have discussed all this before you married, but there is no time like the present. First rule in discussing difficult stuff is to do it in a non threatening way. So, it's not about making him wrong or about fixing him, it's about having a relationship that you can live with. Focus on what you want and need. One way of looking at it, is that he doesn't have a problem, you do. Your problem is that you can't accept the way he is treating you - someone else might be fine with it, but you aren't.

Get clear with yourself as to what you think your ideal relationship would look like. What would you do? What would he do? How would you handle housework? cooking? finances? You can't change him, only he can do that. It is possible that if he really understands what you need, he will decide to change. For the most part men want the woman in their lives to be happy. Take one area or thing at a time. The standard for dealing with this whether in the work place or home is to first say something positive or complimentary, then ask for his help with, for example the trash, then thank him. I know you feel he should pitch in and just do it and it shouldn't need a thank you but he wasn't trained to do it so you have to retrain him.

Check out Mama Gena online or get ahold of her books, she deals with this in detail. If he really loves you, he will be willing to make some adjustments, the trick is getting him to really hear you and to make it fun so he'll want to.

**sourpuss** · 12-02-2008 07:59 AM

Good advice Wildchild.

Frozen, would he be willing to go to couples counseling with you?

**Shannon1** · 12-09-2008 10:14 PM

I think you have already answered your own question. If you have to ask for someone elses opinion about staying or going, don't you think maybe you already have the answer.. You don't have to justify yourself "Frozen" its not selfish to want more out of your life if your unhappy. It sounds like you have tried, and marriage is a two way street... if he's not willing to meet you half way, really what choice do you have? you have to put yourself first. Do what you think will make you happy... But just becareful.. sometimes people think they are falling out of love, until they loose what they had, and realize too late how much the feelings were still there.

**Skybluupink** · 12-29-2008 04:15 PM

Don't give up on yourself, him or your marriage - get marriage counseling. All it can do is help, either way.

**thecowsarefrozen** · 01-08-2009 02:46 AM

hello there guys and thank you for replying to my last threads. i have made the decision to take a breather from hubbie and stay with my mother for a while. i dont have much of an intention to go back to my husband, but you never know. but where i am stuck is how do i break it to him and keep it as painless for him as possible? he is soo in love with me and i do not share the same feelings. i was 19 when i got married and i think i just liked the idea of a wedding and not all the attachments. we havent had sex in over a month
( by the way i am 22 and he is 29) until yesterday. he wanted to and i didnt! usually it is the other way around. we had a cup of water sitting on our headboard and in the act we knocked it down. then that was it... he was done. it lasted a whole 5 minutes. then he went and got into the shower and i immediately started to cry. i didnt know what to do. i was upset the rest of the day and decided to spend the night with my mom. my hubbie works until 2-5 a.m. this is my second night here at my moms and i still havent broke the news to him... i know it's crappy and cowardly but he is completely oblivious to the situation. i dont like hurting people! but i hurt on a daily basis. i am very unhappy and angry all the time. i need to tell him in a way that i dont blow up and say things i will regret. so if i left a letter and had him read it when he got home and then call me after he reads it, is that a bad idea? i need suggestions.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-08-2009 03:39 AM

Well, hello...

You haven't been happy for ever in this relationship.

He thinks you should be the giver, him the taker, and i took trash out, so i get that bit.

No, be tall now, and strong.. You are with your Mum now, so you can say what ever an email is a cop out, much to what he has done to you, once here, once there, roll over, no foreplay, "just adding in for those who don't remember your first thread"... And, yep, unfortunately he was bought up to believe, "she does it all" i can do it 5 mins roller over go to sleep" she is not important, it's just sex.

It's not just sex.. You want love, intimacy, being wanted, needed, and frig a man to take out the garbage.

He is selfish, he will get over it, be you, be happy ring him at worse if you can't face him and tell him how it is.. How you feel and say i need more in my life you can't give it and so I am moving on.

Best wishes, thanks for posting again and hope we all as a team here can help, so you can do this without feeling guilty.

Cause, that is what you are feeling for no reason, think of all the things that have upset you? Does he feel gulity of the hurt he has caused?

You have a heart, that's ok but only give to those whom accept.. and ... give back.

CW

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