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Thread: Marriage slowly dissolving - caught my husband on Match.com

  1. 12-10-2008 08:12 PM #1
    being_me81
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    Unhappy Marriage slowly dissolving - caught my husband on Match.com

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    I really don't know where to start - I have been using this website for advice and support for about a year but never really had the guts to register. I finally did and I also have some serious issues with my marriage.
    Long story short - I have been married for almost 9 years - we started young. I was 18 he was 21. We have two kids and we have been going through up and downs as any marriage. We have been able to manage and always work things out but lately within the last 6 months things have been really different.
    My husband and I can talk about anything and we can come to a conclusion or agreement when it comes to the kids, house, work, etc - but lately I've noticed he has been changing - I don't even enjoy sex with him anymore - he has a big imagination and sometimes treats me like his sex toy - he enjoys mixing pain with pleasure which I totally dislike. He used to have a big addiction to online porno but he was fine for the last 3 years but it seems that he went back to the same old addiction - So pretty much that is one of our main issues, we are having sex problems. But that's not it - I managed to get my husband's email password and I found out that he has registered himself on Match.com, passion.com and has a yahoo account that I've never heard about.
    I'm pretty heart broken - I confronted him last night and he said that he was just curious and that he hasn't met anyone - what kind of is that? - if he cares and loves me as much as he says he does - he wouldn't be looking around.
    We've talked about separation before, to give ourselves some time to think about our relationship but we always think of the kids, which by the way are pretty young, and we just make up and keep on going like nothing ever happened. I told him today that now more than ever I want to separate for a couple of months but he's saying that this is what I've always wanted and I was just looking for an excuse - so now he's trying to flip the coin and blame it on me.
    I really don’t know what to do – he’s a nice guy – great father, very responsible at work – doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink – cleans the house if he has to… I mean… there aren’t that many around with these skills but nobody is perfect. Am I being too critical here? Should I just let him treat me like one those nasty porn girls and suck it up?

    VERY CONFUSED AND HURT HERE!

    BEING ME
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  2. 12-11-2008 08:22 AM #2
    WildChild
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    Start with some counseling, if he won't go then you go. Do you work outside the home or are you a fulltime homemaker and mother? You imply that you enjoyed sex with him in the past? But not now? Or has it never been very good? Can you define porn addiction? Some people consider just watching it an 'addiction'. Did it interfere with his work, interaction with the kids and you? Affect the family budget?

    It sounds like he/you've got some real positives going and some strong reasons to try and save this perhaps some new communication skills would help? The exploring on dating sites is a concern, it at least shows that he isn't happy either. A good marriage counselor can help you define what you want, learn some new ways of relating to each other, clear the air.
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  3. 12-11-2008 08:03 PM #3
    being_me81
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    Quote Originally Posted by WildChild View Post
    Start with some counseling, if he won't go then you go. Do you work outside the home or are you a fulltime homemaker and mother? You imply that you enjoyed sex with him in the past? But not now? Or has it never been very good? Can you define porn addiction? Some people consider just watching it an 'addiction'. Did it interfere with his work, interaction with the kids and you? Affect the family budget?

    It sounds like he/you've got some real positives going and some strong reasons to try and save this perhaps some new communication skills would help? The exploring on dating sites is a concern, it at least shows that he isn't happy either. A good marriage counselor can help you define what you want, learn some new ways of relating to each other, clear the air.

    I've always worked full time but for the first time in our marriage, I've been home for a 3 months and I'm getting ready to go back to school full time to finish my degree. Sex was good and it's not all that bad now, he looses control and doesn't understand that no means no - even if it hurts he wont stop at times. Regarding his porn addiction, it has not affected his work life - and hasn't affected our financial life but he's online quite often at nights - looking at nasty stuff, using his imagination and then he tries to do whatever he seens online with me and that is when I get upset cause I don't like to be treated that way. I mean, I am not a boring and square person at all - I have a good imagination as well but I do not enjoy pain during sex and I do not like anal sex - and I feel that he should respect that.
    We are going to try counseling - we talked about it and he wants to make it work - we'll see what happens and I'll keep you posted

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  4. 12-12-2008 03:15 AM #4
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    Seems to me that he is living in a world of fantasy, there are things that he wants to explore.

    If you are getting councelling of course, you don't have to do anal, or anything that makes you feel , .... but, if you are not a "prude" then maybe it's adventure and a bit of compromise, where you feel good about yourself, sexy, not tarty, not porn and he can go with that.

    People don't always see Porn as acting, they see it as no inhibitions... There is nothing wrong with no inhibitions it can however, be done tastefully, in a way that is exciting and tempting the fruit, without being discusting if that is not what you are after.

    CW
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    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

    Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
    you must believe!
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