what would you do?

**elsa_niloo** · 12-10-2008 10:07 PM

as many of you already know my husband and i had trouble with him not being interested in sex.

last week when i brought it up again, he hit me with a cushion and then hit my face which scratched it, broke plates, damaged the hardwood floor and walls and then smashed the glass coffee table, kicked the couch which hit my ankle and bruised me.

ofcourse between him crying and telling me he is undergoing stress for having to lay off his employees i appologized for being so hard on him. ofcourse the next night after meeting up with some family friends he started picking on me again and was driving like a maniac.

at this point i ran out of the car and cabbed to my moms. he came after me, cried his eyes out and promised he would change.

I dont know what to think. I dont want to make excuses for him but he is really a good guy.
trouble is i can't forgive him, no matter how much i try and i really hate him.
I dont want him to touch me, kiss me and told him i no longer am attracted to him.

after being rejected soo many times for wanting sex i dont even want to be touched.
However, whenever i leave he comes to my mothers house and begs me to come back.
am i to waste the rest of my life with this guy ?
what would you do?

**In-Need** · 12-10-2008 10:56 PM

I've read a lot of your other post, not all but has he done this before? the violence concerns me. It's not the cushion so much as to he wanted to hit you, I don't like it! He didn't stop there, he tore the house up a bit.

You say you hate him, you can't stand for him to touch you, if you feel you've done all you can about the situation, Why would you want to live with one you hate.

Are you sure you really hate him, he apparently needs some kind of help to ease his stress, but until he see's the need for it , he'll deny the troubled issues.

Be careful!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-10-2008 11:33 PM

Elsa, sounds like you both are living under stress, him with work, you with his non-sexual drive.

You state that you have tried councelling, it's anger management that he needs.

You state that you have lost all love for him, and don't want him to touch you.

I think when you get to that stage, down that road, that's it.

It's time to go back to Mum's and don't go for the tears.. It's not your fault if he can't get himself together.

He needs Anger Management and if his sex drive was good before, when you first met, maybe it is stress of work... But, if he works on himself then maybe you can get the old person back... If he is not prepared to do so, then what can you do anyway.

CW

**sourpuss** · 12-10-2008 11:47 PM

I agree with CW. I think maybe a trial separation is in order. No one wants to live with someone they hate nor does anyone want to live with someone who hates them. The stress in your lives is at a boiling point it seems. I think you need to stick to your guns on counseling and anger management. But a separation is a good idea at this point, at least separate living quarters.

You might want to consider a neutral place to live, like renting an apartment. If you go to your mom's he may feel like you all are against him and it could just make him defensive.

**rcoreyus** · 12-11-2008 12:53 PM

LEAVE NOW!.

Sorry, I have an absolute on people hitting you. I think the relationship was not going to do well anyway, your sexual interests were so different that you likely would have spent the rest of your life feeling deprived and miserable anyway.

There just isn't any reason to prolong this. He has proven himself to be violent. He is uncaring. You are not compatible in bed. You are not doing yourself or him a favor by staying.

Please don't feel you have a duty to stay with him. That was canceled when he hit you. But even if it wasn't you really are not a good match - he would be happier with someone else.

Don't wind up one of those women who's husbands ignore them. They cheat. Then get beaten when they are found out.

There are many very nice men out there. Men who will enjoy being intimate with you for the rest of your lives. Don't throw away the possibility of happiness.

**katielastar** · 12-11-2008 12:58 PM

Elsa that sounds really terrifying. I think you should leave, it doesn't sound like a good situation. You need to have a sense of well being in your own home.

I hope it works out for you.

**N01** · 12-11-2008 03:46 PM

rcoreyus is correct, violence is never an option and should never be tolerated.

why prolong it or wait for it to become more dangerous?

**elsa_niloo** · 12-11-2008 11:56 PM

hi everyone

thank you so much for all your responses.
My husband is generally a good man. i'm not making excuses for him but he is just undergoing alot of stress and i keep telling myself that i should be there for him through these times.

He is giving, nice, sweet but does tend to make mistakes. His hitting me was really the first time and he has promised to control himself from now on.

I know you think i'm chicken and i'm making excuses for him but what else can i do? i love my hsuband even though lately i dont like him anymore.
we havent had sex for 6 days and that is because i dont want to anymore. this is wierd but latley i feel as if i hate sex. I hate being with anyone, specially my husband.
it's sooo annoying always fighting, begging and wanting it. i do think that i can hoenstly go without having sex. let him beg for a while and know how bad it feels to be rejected.

i do try to tell him that i want out of this relationship but he takes it as a joke and keeps saying, " stop being ridiculous, there is nothing wrong."

he has asked for another chance i do think that i at least owe him this one last chance and then if he screws up he knows i'm out of that door.

Dont call me chicken or a coward, i keep thinking why ruin a marriage when i can stay and give him a chance one more time and see where it goes.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-12-2008 02:18 AM

trouble is i can't forgive him, no matter how much i try and i really hate him.
I dont want him to touch me, kiss me and told him i no longer am attracted to him.

i do think that i can hoenstly go without having sex. let him beg for a while and know how bad it feels to be rejected.

People will always do what they need, in order to ascertain 100% in their mind what they are thinking.

Your jumping... I ..grrr...to well? To grrr..

See, didn't call you any names at all.

Remember, when a person feels that they can get away with things, they go back to bad, old habits.

Time to toughen up, really toughen up and let him see your serious ,a change in you, you....

CW

**rcoreyus** · 12-12-2008 08:45 AM

Elsa_nido, even if he never hits you again, he still doesn't seem right for you - or you for him. You will spend the rest of your life feeling frustrated, if he cares about you, he will spend it feeling like he isn't providing you with what you need.

His outburst is a good excuse for a break. I know it seems like a huge thing -but I honestly feel it would be best for both of you.

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