Thread: need advice

Oh chandler's wish you're a sweetheart.
What you said is ok, it's not like you really know me.

well we did talk last night again. he is very sweet and does talk but i think he suffers from low self confidence and sometimes makes up stuff, which is wrong.

but you know, i love him because he is loyal. As it does turn out we really are broke and he swore that he is not hiding money. He is the only one right now with a career and makes a substantial amount too, but i cant wait till i get on my own two feet and start my career.

After all, it's always easier for a woman to be independant and take charge of her own life married or unmarried.

He has alot of faults but he is loyal and loving and i intend to work out the problems with him. I do want to leave him at times but I do know that I will always smack myself for not trying to solve the problem.

Elsa_niloo:We can't really tell what is going on by looking a a few words on the internet - various people here give the best advice they can based on what they have read - but no one knows the situation as well as you do.

I've seen a number of things from your posts that worry me:

He isn't interested in you physically anymore - and more importantly isn't willing to do things to please you when he is not particularly interested. I know this has gotten somewhat better, but my impression is that it still is not very good. I have lived with this problem at home for 25 years now, and I can tell you that it is a constant strain on a relationship. If that was the only problem, you could still work things out.

But - he also hit you recently and broke some thing around the house. He didn't hurt you much -this time - but it is a very very bad sign. Someone who gets violent under stress is dangerous.

Now he is hiding financial information from you. That in itself is very bad - married couples should share (most) financial information. I don't mean that every item on the credit card bill should be scrutinized (what were you doing at that restaurant? is NOT a fair question), but the major sources of money should be visible. If there are problems they should be shared.

If he is not willing to show you the financial information he either is hiding something, or he has absolutely no respect for your ability to make decisions on money (a BAD thing). If one of you has money problems in a marriage, both do - and both should work to solve it. All marriages run into hard times (I imagine poor Bill Gates was devastated when he found he couldn't actually buy Bolivia <g>), and both need to work to fix them.

So, overall this marriage sounds like bad news, the sort of bad news you will regret until you finally get divorced - maybe many sad years down the road.

You want advice on how to fix your marriage - but from what I can see, it is his problem not yours, and nothing you can do will fix it.

Now, changing topics:
I think it is very important to choose a career that you both enjoy AND will make enough money for you to be comfortable (whatever that means to you). Even if you marry someone rich - you should never be beholden to someone else - never put your self in someone's power - or (just as bad) make someone feel responsible for supporting you. OR, if you really, really want someone rich to support you, find someone RICH, not someone who worries about a few 10s of thousands of dollars. Those people are out there if you know where to look.

There are lots of careers that are both fun and make reasonable money. You can also get a career that you find OK, and do what you love as a hobby. Talk more about the sorts of things you like to do, and maybe you will get some good suggestions.

You are still young enough to do anything you want. Please please don't throw away your future happiness.

Oh, one more thing. Please, don't get pregnant. No accidents. That would be the final inescapable tie - and you might really be in a situation you couldn't escape.

(sorry for the long tirade - clearly this is something I've thought about a lot).