controlling relationship advice

**wildhorses242004** · 01-05-2009 08:10 PM

I am 28 and my husband ( 46) and I have three children. I married him at 19 and over the last 2 years he has become very controlling, obsessive, and posessive of me. He will not let me work or further my education. He gives me no money to save. He goes grocery shopping. I have 2 recent friends that he is trying to sabitosh those relationships. If he is home and I get on the computer he stands over my shoulder and reads what I'm doing and every phone call it's (who was that)

I want out, I have no money, no family that he hasn't manipulated yet and no vehicle that is mine.

We've talked and argued about splitting up so heatedly that I am afraid of him.

Any advice would be greatly appreacited

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2009 08:55 PM

I think fear has set in... He is 50 in 4 years and you, 32... He knows that you may not find him attractive anymore, he is "old" in his eyes and you are young...

This is why he controls all of what you do, in hope that you have no where to go, and no money...

It doesn't work that way, he knows that deep down inside.

If you genuinely fear then trust your instincts and anything you do, do without his knowledge, passify him slightly stay calm and don't argue... It is fair to say some guys can go off the deep end, losing their wife and he is obviously very insecure at the moment.

Even writing here, or reading replies, do so when you know he is not around .. Consider he may check where you are writing, who too, what...

Do you have a close family? Can you talk with them?

Don't do anything on your own without friends with you, or family.

But, also remember, he is probably feeling old and knows due to age, he is going to lose you or so he feels, it may purely be that regarding all the checking etc.

CW

**In-Need** · 01-05-2009 10:31 PM

Originally Posted by wildhorses242004

We've talked and argued about splitting up so heatedly that I am afraid of him.

When you say heatedly, has he actually threatened you? Has he ever hit you? I do agree with CW that you do need to trust your inner gut.
But, if he's never done any of these things I would pause just for a bit just in case he really wouldn't do those things. I don't know him you do. Is it possibly a very loud barking dog, some men can be that way but would not touch a woman with violence.

I'm not trying to bring up the past but these are typical problems that do arise with a woman that marries a man almost 20yrs older. You made the commitment, did you not? How has your marriage been before this started to happen? Was there good times along the way? Probably, I don't know, just asking. Are you sure this is the only reason you want out? The only reason, or is there another underlying issue along with this one?

I do sympathize with you and I don't want you harmed in any way at all, heaven forbid! But!

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

But, also remember, he is probably feeling old and knows due to age, he is going to lose you or so he feels, it may purely be that regarding all the checking etc. CW

Try and show a little Mercy here, I'm not saying put yourself in danger but if CW is right you have to remember these feelings if he's having them are real and in his mind this is at the time anyways is the only way he know how to deal with it. He may not realize how mean he's being. I know that's sounds strange but like CW said It could be fear he's dealing with and so naturally the fear carries over into his actions which in turn makes you fear! You see what I'm trying to say?

I'm almost 51 and I try to imagine having a wife 18yrs younger and I have to admit I would be a little concerned at this time in my life if I was going to be able to hold on to you. Because listen honey this is a tuff age for him with or with out you!

Question? Have you given him a realistic reason to feel that way. Have you been acting in such a way that would make him feel he might lose you?
Be honest! I know, I'm digging, but I'm really not doing it to be mean, just bringing to the surface some things you may have not tho't much of, you never know. You see?

that's all I'm trying to say.

If he is totally unreasonable like you have said then you'll have to do exactly like CW said. She knows better than I. I'm just mentioning points that you or others may not think about, Ok? Good Luck!

**rcoreyus** · 01-05-2009 11:08 PM

I have no patience with or sympathy for controlling people in a relationship. If he is restricting your money, driving off your friends, watching everything you do - those are classic signs of an abusive relationship. Even if he hasn't hit you (yet?) he is treating you very badly.

Think seriously about divorcing the bum. You would get enough money to support yourself and your children.

**wildhorses242004** · 01-06-2009 03:48 PM

He has never hit me but I'm waiting on him to snap ( not that I'm pushing him ) hopefully he is just a loud barking DOG.
Yes I did make a commiment , I may have married him not knowing at 19 what marrige is ,really or what it takes to make it work. I didn't plan out my life, I just kind of went with the flow which was a mistake on my part.
I don't believe I've given him a reasonn to be like this. All along I have never had friends, I didn't want to work because my babys were babys and I didn't want to further my education because I wasn't thinking I may need a carrer in my back pocket. Then when I wanted these changes mabye he sees it as a threat ?

Thank You all for your responses

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-07-2009 02:27 AM

Sounds then like, you went into this with hope that you didn't have to worry, friends were not important, and jobs were not going to be an issue and babies would just be the way of it all staying together?

Now you are older and you see things differently and as I said, he sees it as a threat.

I was concerned for that threat turning into something, you are basically saying you now don't think so..

A bit confusing....

he has become very controlling, obsessive, and posessive of me. He will not let me work or further my education. He gives me no money to save. He goes grocery shopping. I have 2 recent friends that he is trying to sabitosh those relationships. If he is home and I get on the computer he stands over my shoulder and reads what I'm doing and every phone call it's

I

want out, I have no money, no family that he hasn't manipulated yet and no vehicle that is mine.

We've talked and argued about splitting up so heatedly that I am afraid of him.

Sounds more to me like you were venting, and now have changed your tune?

CW

**WildChild** · 01-07-2009 08:18 AM

You married young, have had 3 children in 9 years. Have you ever been self supporting? Lived on your own? What is it you want? Do you truly want out or do you want change? You may be able to have change within the relationship, we aren't there, we don't know what is really going on. A couple of suggestions, get some of John Grey's Mars and Venus books, he gives a lot of good advice on how to communicate effectively.

Really work on defining what you want. Vague fears and disatisfaction don't get you where you need to be. You do need freinds, how about the mother's of your kids freinds? They do have play dates and such don't they? They need that socialisation and so do you. Getting some education, expanding your horizons is important. I don't know, but have a guess that many times men who marry a much younger woman are looking for someone more malable than a mature woman. It may be a sexual attraction, but I think there is more too it, there is a level of insecurity there.

He may be hitting a mid life crisis and afraid that you will realize that a younger man might be preferable. In-Need's questions are good, has he always been this way or is this new? What changed? Or did you just start to recognise what is going on? Have you tried calmly and rationally sitting down and talking with him? You need to be clear what you want to do this. You are an adult and should be an equal partner in the marriage, you don't need his permission to have freinds, go places or do things. You should be fully conversant with your fianances and participate in decision making. Have you been acting like a child and asking his permission to go out or do things? Moving into a more adult interaction maybe a difficult transistion but you need to do it.

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