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Thread: my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

  1. 11-20-2009 02:48 AM #91
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    All the men I have been with, engaged, married, single, none ever watched Porn. No, not that I know of, they didn't and perhaps it's my age group?

    Certainly at the inset, in-other-words when I was younger they cheated and strangely enough, I accepted as long as they came home to me, there was a power I had over them they never left but sowed their oats (16 - 19) I am talking about and at that point I changed.

    I've always been a sensual person. Maybe that has helped.

    I see men that like to watch Porn as disrespectful and I am sure I am going to get curry for this and only feel this way , when they are in a relationship.

    If the lady they chose wasn't all he wanted, open to ideas, and a bond was formed, then they settled and consequently, they look further for more ...

    Having said that, it's confused me, as I know of ladies that give their all, literally in every way of satisfaction and still they do it.

    There, that may be an addiction. An addictive personality. A need for more knowledge to please her, an actual in-adequacy previously of their own past, a desire to be better.

    Consequently, there my take would be, and? Is that how it is? Does he please her, try things new with her, is that the reason? If he ignores her and doesn't and she does it all, and works to wards trying to please with little in return, then it's selfish or an addiction and wrong.

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  2. 11-21-2009 04:55 PM #92
    darcy11
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    I really don't think there is a problem here. Fair enuogh he has admitted he has an problem, but I think you are making it worse than it is. He looks at porn, so do lots of people, which is why it's one of the biggest industries in the world, and it isn't having a negative effect on your sexual relationship, he isn't replacing you, I think it's you that has more of a problem than him. You are making more of a fuss about it because you are what......jealous, scared, nervous, ashamed? You shouldn't be. He agreed to put on the blocker, he clearly loves you if he didn't need it for a year. Yeh it's hard to compare to these girls in porn movies, but trust me, he doesn't expect you to......those girls aren't real, they are fantasies, he knows that......if he was confused as to who they were he wouldn't be with you. I think you should try to accept this thing of his, I'm sure there are things you do that he doesn't like. I'm sorry if I'm abrupt but I'm trying to show you the real life way of thinking. I (female) watch porn and so does my boyfriend, and neither of us think any less of each other, and we don't get jealous, because at the end of the day, we climb into bed and make love with each other.
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  3. 11-21-2009 08:28 PM #93
    desperatehousewife1983
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    you can do what i do... "if you cant beat them join them".. i watch my own porn and i love play girl magazine!! it might not fix it but it lets him know that i can also do it.
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  4. 11-22-2009 02:35 PM #94
    stressed
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    Recently had yet another argument with my fiance over porn. We had already solved a previous argument that was related to sex, then we sat down to watch a film and he suddenly asked "so aren't you ever going to let me watch porn again"? That just made me freeze for a few seconds. There I was 5 mins earlier, discussing about his lack of interest in giving as much pleasure as he receives and there he was asking me to watch porn by himself.

    We had an argument over it, I explained that I enjoyed porn as single too but now he's enough for me and why would I want to watch anything else when he's right there. I told him it's just not normal to look forward to porn instead of focusing on your partner. He told me that's what all men do and he's not abnormal, he'd just like to watch from time to time. Doesn't say why and doesn't explain why he doesn't want to watch it with me.

    I've asked a few close male friends and relatives about this, they've all told me that they don't understand why a man would pursue porn if they have a willing partner at home and that the times they've turned to porn was because they were single or they watched it along with a partner or their partner was unavailable. I told them all that I wouldn't mind being told that I'm wrong and paranoid or that "this is what all men do", I would accept it then. But they don't understand it either and they have no reason to lie to me. All the discussions were very serious and open and I am 100% sure they didn't lie to just agree. So the theory about "all men doing this" has just collapsed for me. They don't.

    So, even if I've been willing for a while to let it go and tell him it's ok to watch, I just can't do that to myself. It has reached a point where it hurts my feelings. Before we moved in together he deleted all his porn and said I'd be enough for him. As soon as I moved in he showed 0 interest in sex and just went for porn. I'm sorry but porn and relationships can't get along for most.

    I so agree with what awcmon said. Especially with the line that men wouldn't want their wives to fantasize about another man providing a home for them. Women need to feel desired and men need to feel good providers. Take that away from either and then it all goes to .

    I'm not conservative, I'm not jealous, I don't agree to restrictions, I just want my man to desire me as much as I desire him and all I expect is for me to be enough for him as much as he is for me. If that is too much for women to ask in our days then we are better off single than with a man who doesn't care whether he hurts us or not and uses his gender to have things his way, which is the lamest argument one can use.

    Personally, if my/our porn problem won't be solved I'm going to leave, because there are far more serious issues a couple can have in a relationship and I cannot be concerned about whether I am physically and visually enough for my man or not for the rest of my life.

    Those who say they don't mind their husband watching porn, I just wonder how long you two have been together. I have been with my fiance for 3 years. I am 25 years old, I'm at an age when I need to feel desired and attractive, we've only just started living together, of course it hurts me if he turns to porn. If he starts that when I am 25 then what's stopping him from wanting even more when I turn 40 or 50?

    As I said, that's not just a woman's view, I've had men telling me the same and not to just make me feel better, they meant it. So, each of you just reach your own conclusions and don't put your feelings before your SO's because "the world says so". When you feel that something is wrong then it most likely is.
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  5. 11-23-2009 12:01 AM #95
    Hopeless Dork
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    Stressed, I must agree with the women being better off alone than with someone that doesnt consider their feelings. Seriously why bother? Why give them all the benefits you bestow upon them as their significant other when they are pre-occupied with beating off to girls on the computer/tv/magazine.

    Me and my guy have had our ups and downs on this issue and I've decided to put it to bed and not worry about it as long as he is putting his sexual energy on me. As long as I am feeling wanted and desired by him I am not going to sweat the porn stuff anymore..

    But if he ever starts making me feel less exciting than the porn, or second choice to it, I will have to go back to singlehood. If I want to be sexually frustrated and feel not good enough -- I can do that all alone I don't need someone I bend over backwards for to make me feel that way too.

    So far so good though. We talked and talked and I think he understands how important it is for me get the most of his attention and for porn to get the leftovers not vice versa.
    Last edited by Hopeless Dork; 11-23-2009 at 12:05 AM.
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  6. 11-23-2009 03:49 AM #96
    AllisonAnderson
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    MTC, we have a different opinion,

    and if you follow the thread that should have known that it had reached a whole porn debate, the OP just released!
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 11-27-2009 at 04:11 AM.
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  7. 11-23-2009 08:36 AM #97
    pretzel
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    This is probably a topic I really should just keep my mouth shut, but it's my two cents anyway.

    First and foremost, I don't think it's porn in general that is at issue, it's how one uses it and the importance it plays.

    I can only base this off my own experiences. There have been many (actually far too many) times where it has become my escape from reality. I've been cursed by having been married to 2 women who weren't/aren't very sexual/sensual. My first wife viewed sex as a reproductive means only. Intimacy also took a back seat. But it is very important to remember that any relationship will never be perfect. I have always had one standing question "Am I a better person with her?" We never had a very good sex life in the 20 years that we were together but she did make me a better person. That was my standard. Many times in those years, porn was the outlet that I used as a release because I knew how she felt.

    With my current wife, there have been a few times where porn was used as a tool. We've watched it together. It was merely something different. It was during this time in our relationship where our sex life was fantastic. There was no need nor desire to have it as a release. Unfortunately, there have been things that have caused our sex life to go 180 degrees in the opposite direction. That's another story not relevant to the topic.

    Now that I've gotten completely off topic, I'll have to reiterate that it is best when it is merely another avenue that both enjoy. Anything short of that should be an issue. I'd be more concerned about someone in their 20's - 30's and in a committed relationship than someone like me who's 50 and is now patiently waiting for my wife's desire to return.
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  8. 11-24-2009 12:55 PM #98
    EmotionsRvalid
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    Women need to feel wanted and desired. They love notes and phone calls. They love being sent flowers and having songs written about them. These things make them think that their man is thinking about them even when they aren't together. They love this! Remember in the Lord of the rings when the elf lady was tempted by the ring and said she would use it to make everyone want and adore her in despair? That's science fiction, but based on real life. Women want to be wanted by their men. Period. That's just the way they are wired and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact it helps them to be discriminative in choosing a mate who can and will be around to provide for them and their children (survival instinct). When women find their men looking at other women it's counter to this desire to be wanted being full filled. It's a huge turn off to them. Porn upsets women because it's a lead weight to their "I'm adored by my man even when I'm not around balloon." (for lack of a better analogy ; P) Men are wired to procreate. It's a huge responsibility to provide for a family & very rewarding too. One of the biggest rewards is intimacy and getting freaky with your kids mom. Men put up with a TON of in exchange for this need when dating and after marriage. Sometimes they get neglected and still put up with whining, complaining, demands, operas, drama, working long hours etc. Then they feel like "I deserve a release" and they watch porn to get it. Means to an end. Not that they love their woman any less because of the porn. I feel obligated to say porn is . Because it's a counterfeit filler that prevents men from saying "HEY I have needs too" and all the conflict resolution and make up sex that could otherwise follow. AND of course all the worse things that can stem from a porn addiction too. I hope this is helpful to anybody. Men and women just have a handful of different needs. Men are fine with women not thinking of them every second of the day because we understand and appreciate only thinking of one thing at a time = ). We just don't "need" that.
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  9. 11-24-2009 04:27 PM #99
    stressed
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork View Post
    Stressed, I must agree with the women being better off alone than with someone that doesnt consider their feelings. Seriously why bother? Why give them all the benefits you bestow upon them as their significant other when they are pre-occupied with beating off to girls on the computer/tv/magazine.

    Me and my guy have had our ups and downs on this issue and I've decided to put it to bed and not worry about it as long as he is putting his sexual energy on me. As long as I am feeling wanted and desired by him I am not going to sweat the porn stuff anymore..

    But if he ever starts making me feel less exciting than the porn, or second choice to it, I will have to go back to singlehood. If I want to be sexually frustrated and feel not good enough -- I can do that all alone I don't need someone I bend over backwards for to make me feel that way too.

    So far so good though. We talked and talked and I think he understands how important it is for me get the most of his attention and for porn to get the leftovers not vice versa.
    I think it's very interesting that the topics with the most views are related to porn. It can't be accidental, there must be so many women out there who have this problem.

    But, HD, it seems like you two have an open discussion and your man listens to you and does his best to show how much he finds you attractive. At least he does it in such a way that it does not bother you too much and you don't get to find out any details. I don't know how often he does it or why he has told you that he likes it and won't quit it, but it can go either way; him stopping or you leaving if it gets too much.

    I don't remember if you have told him that it hurts you and you have considered leaving him over porn, it would be interesting to know what he'd say to such a line.

    I haven't told mine that I would leave yet, he's still waiting for me to say "hey, it's ok, you can **** off to **uts now that I'm going out", but I don't see myself ever saying that; he will either watch one day and I will get mad or he will keep on waiting. At the moment I just try to enjoy whatever non-porn days I have left with him, even if I'm not comfortable with that either since I know he's going to ask me again sooner or later. It has already become a daily small joke in our relationship. But the more he jokes or asks about it the more I feel like he's more concerned about not watching than improving our sex life. So... I'm stuck once again...
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  10. 11-24-2009 05:50 PM #100
    rcoreyus
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    Porn generates a lot of comments because it is very common, covers a wide range of activities, and people feel strongly about it.

    "Porn" includes everything from a Victoria's Secrets catalog to watching videos of things I'm not going to mention.

    "Watching" includes everything from Downloading a 5 minute video once in a while to spending all your free time glued to the computer.

    It can have no effect on a relationship, and it can result in the watcher completely ignoring their SO, or expecting / requiring their SO to perform like the actors in the movies.

    The reaction to porn can range from dis-interest to divorce.

    It is just too big a set of things to discuss in one place.
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