Thread: my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

Here is a guy's perspecive. I am currently in a happy relationship. I love my girlfriend, and we have great sex. And I do enjoy looking at porn on a fairly regular basis. I really can't emphasize this enough: It is not in any way shape or form related to lack of love or attraction to my girlfriend, it's just something guys do. And yes, it can become an addiction or problem. I'm not sure if I'd call your B/Fs problem an addiction, although it sounds like it is a bit excessive. He should recognize that toning it down would be a good thing. It might be unrealistic to think he will stop.

This is something that starts with guys when they are young. By age 14 we have a sex drive that is going FULL TILT. What's the solution? Supress it or ignore it? Yeah, right. Go out and have sex with anyone that we can just to get relief? Bad idea. So guys start masturbating. That involves some kind of fantasy. And looking at porn is just an extension of that. I can't remember having sexual fantasies about love, it's just about raw meaningless sex, at least for me anyway. Yeah, I know, aren't we disgusting?

It wouldn't matter if I was married to supermodel, I'd probably still look at porn. And I wouldn't love her any less.

Spicing things up in the bedroom is a helpful, within what both of you are comfortable with. I don't think that will stop him from wanting to look at porn though.

Anyway, whatever issues you need to address in that area, please don't take it personally.

i have to say that i thought my bf and i had a problem in this area. he told me early on that he was "addicted" to porn. i thought he was kidding, and went on with life. we moved in together and i realized that he really likes porn...he has quite an extensive collection, and at first i felt like maybe he wasn't happy with me, the way i look, maybe i wasn't fulfillin fantasies in the bedroom...you know...you have been there...but soon i realized that it is just a guy thing...seriously, i mean we had the "are you happy" talk and i know that i know that i know that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else...so i opened up and started offering to watch with him...we watch, try new things, and if you ask me or him, i think we improve on what they do in those flicks...so now it works out for everyone!!! he still downloads pics of porn stars and such, but they are only pictures...so i realize it is nothing to worry about...but i do not ever make him feel like it is wrong to look at porn...we are all sexual creatures, men more than women but we need to find a middle ground so we can all be happy i love my man!!!

I'm glad you're starting to feel better about it all, really, but honestly? You know the minute you step away from here, and start realizing that he's still looking at porn a lot, it's going to hurt you just as much as before. I won't say it's right and I won't say it's wrong, but I've been exactly where you are and I know how it feels.

I have a totally unpopular opinion about this on here, but that's fine. I understand men want to look at porn- I understand that it's a normal and healthy desire to wanna see hot girls naked, I'm not stupid. But when there's something in a relationship that one party is doing that harms the other, and there are NO negative repercussions for the other party if they stop doing it...It just seems SO selfish to me not to stop, no matter what it is. I mean, it's either one person feels insecure, unloved, ugly, fat, unworthy, etc. orrrrr one party has to start using their imagination to j*rk off? Yeah, I can see where some people would have a hard time making a choice...

That being said, I am totally 100% completely PRO PORN when both parties are happy and secure with it being a part of their relationship. But when it's making one party feel *that* bad about themselves, should it really even be a question? Compromise has it's place in a marriage-Whose parents to visit on Christmas morning, what to eat for dinner, what movie to see...But when it comes to deep, genuine, important feelings like self-esteem and self-worth, I don't think there's room for compromise.

I'm not preaching, far from it, I'm just here to let you know that you CAN not just accept it because it's the popular way to go, and the one with less conflict. You have a choice in the matter, and more importantly, so does he.