Thread: my fiance is addicted to porn and i'm so lost

When I was single, and would watch porn from time to time on my own, whenever I heard women complain about their bfs/husbands and porn I would think "grow up", "big deal" Everyone looks at it pretty much. But then when I got in a relationship, and saw that my SO likes to look at hot naked women in his free time I guess, I was kind of taken off gaurd. First instincts were to think "he isn't turned on by me, he needs these perfect women instead, I am not good enough for him, he must wish I was one of them" and it hurt my heart.

I didn't complain to him, I didn't stew, or become angry I was just feeling a little insecure, a little bit like I was something he was settling for because he hadn't ran into one of those ladies that he'd much rather prefer seeing naked than myself that he could see live an in person.

I thought my feelings through, and realized that I don't really have a problem with porn, I like it myself. I don't really have a problem with how he treats me, he makes me feel loved and like I am the only woman he wants. So why should I let my knowledge that he likes to gaze upon some airbrushed beauty queens make me feel differently than I did before I was aware of that. It shouldn't. So I let it go, and Im so happy I did. He is a fantastic man, a normal red-blooded man and I am thankful its beautiful women he likes to look at and not something I could never be : men, goat etc. hehe.

I guess my point is sometimes we have to figure out why something upsets us, evaluate it and fix it within ourselves and not let it effect a perfectly wonderful relationship. Just because a man doesn't watch porn, doesn't mean he doesnt ever ever fantasize about another woman. We can't own their every thought, I for one would not want to and would not want mine owned either.

^Good post.

Basically said what mine would say without just saying: "Get over it".

Great points.

You make a fatal error if you conclude that all confident women are okay with their husbands using porn -

or that all women who aren't okay with it lack confidence.

Your inability to wrap your head around the concept simply means you can't relate. No problem. You don't need to.

There are women who can't imagine your perspective either.

What's important is that your husband understands which side of that fence you fall on & chooses to love you accordingly.

Either way - my original point was that it's a choice to actively love - not just an emotion one experiences. And avoiding or consuming porn is one critical way husbands choose to love their wives -

or fail to do so.

Explain to me how looking at or not looking at porn is a failure or non failure to love!

I would really like to know!

Because the way I see it is as long as he is showing me he loves me, who am I to say that he can't be human and enjoy looking at other women...I mean come on that falls into the same stereotype of "oh we are married now so you should just "know" how I feel". Or the classic one of "you should never fantasize about other women"...I mean come on they married us because they love us and now you want to take away who they are!~

No, we are still human, just cause we were a ring now doesn't change that! Just because we say "I love you" it doesn't change the fact that our basic human nature is to be attracted to the opposite sex...

To add to this, no confident woman I know has ever had issue's with porn. This is only one of the excuses I hear from the ones that are not confident that have porn issue's...The problem is deeper and porn is used as the excuse!

You don't seem very open to the idea - you seem to be saying that the way you see this should be true for all women except those with issues.

But if you're serious & you really do want an answer - here you go...

Explain to me how looking at or not looking at porn is a failure or non failure to love!

If his wife has expressed that his porn use hurts her, his continuing to look at it in spite of what he knows is a failure to choose to love her in that way. This obviously isn't true for you, because your husband's porn use doesn't hurt you.

There's a very basic but fundamental difference in the perspective you have and what some other women have. Many women believe that it is through NOT looking at porn and/or other women that a man expresses his love for his wife. Sure, he wants to, it's his natural tendency - but he chooses to think of his wife's feelings instead of thinking his own.

You don't think this way, which is fine. But you seem to think that anyone who does think this way is messed up somehow, lacking confidence or security. That's not fine.

You draw the line at touching - again, that's fine. Porn is okay with you, but physical sex with someone else is not.

That's your standard & your entitled to it.

Another view is that, while looking is not the same as touching, it has the same impact because it reveals where his heart is. I mean, we could say the same thing about divorce.

Your husband may hate you & do everything he can to get away from you - but there's no divorce papers filed so everything's okay? Of course not, because his heart has already left.

Apply that to what some women feel about porn - he's looking - over & over & over, desiring other women. Many women are hurt by that, even though he hasn't touched them, he has desired them - and acted on that by seeking out porn to get off on.

Just another perspective - you might need to just be comfortable with your own view & acknowledge that many women feel differently -

There are women who wouldn't want what you have in your marriage - and you probably wouldn't want what they are looking for.

This is the beauty of living in a world where there are so many varieties...

he's looking - over & over & over, desiring other women.

Lemme say this again..

if he is not abusing porn or replacing you with porn...He is NOT, I say again NOT "desiring" other women...

He desire's to watch people have sex..HUGE difference and that is what I have a problem with..Women blaming men for their insecurities and pre-concieved notions as to why their spouse is looking at it!

If he says "I watch it cause it is a stress reliever"..Then believe him...If he says I watch it cause you can't get me off, then you have bigger issue's!

Either way, porn is not the issue!