Thread: Mending

well gosh its been ages since I wrote on here...had at look at the dates they seem all wrong on here but it could be a different country thing...not sure????
I have to say I read my e-mails back and felt sick.....Im afraid I should have done this before i went back to him.....yes I feel so stupid and I bet you think what an idiot.... He came back and said he was depressed when he made the choice ...that the lieing about money had sank him into a deep depression....He wanted to move the wedding so we could plan and go ahead with it...I guess what I did was worse because I thought thats what I wanted....I just could'nt bring myself to telling you all because of all the support you gave me etc etc....discusted with myself I am really especially reading back over my mail....Moved all his stuff back in and was all over me like a rash...he loved me...wanted my children ......i was the best thing that ever happened to him but he just did not know it....Said he was on medication to help with the lieing????? What I mean did i really buy this???? Well the truth is something happened to me....I looked at him when he talked to me and it was like being in a dream....And then I realised i did not love him...had not loved him for ages....I was just scared of splitting and being alone....I had found myself again.....spoke to my friends ...realised what an idiot I had been......He was so in to us again and I think he had been down and he was ready to move forward with us.Trouble was i was not....how can I put this but I hated him...the love had gone so long ago....I stuck it a week and then when he got back down on his knees to propose again I told him I did not love him anymore....He cried like a baby and all I kept thinking Im glad you feel how i felt...I know this is wrong but I went to and back ....questioned myself as a person when I know Im not a bad person....would do anything for anyone....I liked myself again....but i did not love him anymore....I feel so guilty about it all....I lead him on I know and as a result he had a nervous breakdown and was really ill....blamed himself for making the wrong choice and even his mum and dad asked me to re-think and said I was the best thing that ever happened to him.... Thing is his parents did not love me as a daughter... I know that. The whole family did not know the meaning of love...his own dad shut his family out just because they were not good enough to fit into his new lifestyle. Well ive done it there you go I hope you can all forgive me for going back but I think this had to happen to kick me into awake mode......I only stopped on the tablets for a week ......wasnt me they made me ill so i knew deep down i could do it in the end.......... I dont miss him.....I dont want him anywhere near me and I dont like him as a person.

Feels years ago since the split....have moved on so quickly but i know there is good reason for that after what he was like and all the lies he told. I still hurt at times as I thought I was a good judge of character but i got it so badly wrong with him....Well Pain off the honeymoon loan ....have an exciting time ahead with the house move....there is just one thing however quite a big thing.....I met a guy and well i wasnt really looking or expecting to end up going out with anyone....I ended up with him and now Im really feeling confused. Thing is I lied about when I broke up with my ex as when i first met him I thought we will just become good friends so none of that matters. Well it does matter and I just cant tell him the truth ...I tired the other night but it did not go down well so i took it back...i do really like him but lieing is just not a good start and i know he will end it if he knows as he will think I still love my ex and that I lie all the time which i dont....Just a bad call but he wont know that at all. Im thinknig of just walking away and blaming it on something else...I dont want to di that but at least he wont think anything less of me.....and will ahve some fond memories of me and not the lieing person that could not tell the truth.....thing is I have feelings ofr him and think I could really love him and the bad start is effecting my head....Im finding it hard to be myself and it does come out through insecurity....not like this normally but Im always stuck and its not a good feeling and of course its totally my fault....When i first saw his pic I was drawn to him ...I dont want to walk away but I can go on with this lie......i think he would hate me......especially after what he said the other night...What do I do ???? Im stuck