I want out...or do I

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-22-2009 05:28 PM

I know and you feel horribly lonely and down because of it..

You might "know" what to do, but you can't do it alone.. It's like a habit, if it is something that has been with you for a long time how do you change it? Be it thought patterns, or addictions.. Can they not be one of the same? In regards to how you think?

Do you know how much he loves you?

Do you know how beautiful you are inside and out?

Do you ever take the time to do something for yourself to make you feel special?

With causes, there has to be action... If you truthfully answer the above, it would be: Sort off, not really, not often...

Go back to councelling.. You have to let go of your Mother and those thoughts, or try hypnotherapy...

There is no one on this site who doesn't have a skeleton in their closet, or who doesn't have regrets of actions, or who do not, or did not, believe in themselves, love themselves.. You are no orphan..

Recently for instance I started walking.. As each week is going by, I am looking in that mirror going geez louise, I can see the definition, I can even see the waist line getting slimmer... I feel alive, fantastic.. I want to walk, can't wait to do so, in-fact I am leaving this site, in a minute to do exactly that, then eat...

Why am I saying this? I only had a few kilo's I wanted to lose Xmas, roasts, fat, etc, but, I did it because it made me feel a bit fat, and so, I felt a bit ugly and so, comes the in-securities.

Now, I feel good, alive and sexy..

See where action creates the solution?

Have a think, write down what you may not like about yourself and the things you are doing for yourself that would make you feel beautiful and the things that would make you feel love for yourself and get going and start doing those things..

Watch the changes.

If you don't change within, you can't change the situation and therefore, you miss the solution.

CW

**torn2pieces** · 01-23-2009 11:15 AM

Thank you, I will take in your advice. After dissussions with him last night we are pretty sure that the core issue is we both hold grudges against each other. Mine is the arguing and arguing of the female friends and his issue with me is the year I was out of work. I was out of work from June 07 - July 08. Because of the loss of my job things are very bad for us financially. We live in a area we DO NOT like. We both owe utility bills, cable bills, car notes (re-po), phone bills and more. Another issue is within that year, I lost a lot of say-so in our life decisions because I was not bringing in money and now (6 months back to working) I try to take back that control or say-so and he has a hard time giving it back and accepting my say-so, it's complicated.

Of course there is two sides to each story, I feel that we lived way beyond our means when I didn't work, but I never said anything because I didn't want him to go without his wants/desires all because I didn't work. I do not fully understand him being as upset as he is about it.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I know and you feel horribly lonely and down because of it..

You might "know" what to do, but you can't do it alone.. It's like a habit, if it is something that has been with you for a long time how do you change it? Be it thought patterns, or addictions.. Can they not be one of the same? In regards to how you think?

Do you know how much he loves you?

Do you know how beautiful you are inside and out?

Do you ever take the time to do something for yourself to make you feel special?

With causes, there has to be action... If you truthfully answer the above, it would be: Sort off, not really, not often...

Go back to councelling.. You have to let go of your Mother and those thoughts, or try hypnotherapy...

There is no one on this site who doesn't have a skeleton in their closet, or who doesn't have regrets of actions, or who do not, or did not, believe in themselves, love themselves.. You are no orphan..

Recently for instance I started walking.. As each week is going by, I am looking in that mirror going geez louise, I can see the definition, I can even see the waist line getting slimmer... I feel alive, fantastic.. I want to walk, can't wait to do so, in-fact I am leaving this site, in a minute to do exactly that, then eat...

Why am I saying this? I only had a few kilo's I wanted to lose Xmas, roasts, fat, etc, but, I did it because it made me feel a bit fat, and so, I felt a bit ugly and so, comes the in-securities.

Now, I feel good, alive and sexy..

See where action creates the solution?

Have a think, write down what you may not like about yourself and the things you are doing for yourself that would make you feel beautiful and the things that would make you feel love for yourself and get going and start doing those things..

Watch the changes.

If you don't change within, you can't change the situation and therefore, you miss the solution.

CW

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-23-2009 04:09 PM

Then, there is a lot of stress going on and that usually tends to lead to arguements because no one is happy, live is stressful, it's not the person persay, it's the things that "trigger" the arguement a simple word and stress comes in and off it goes.

Repo car
Not enough income
debts
Don't like where you live
Female friends

You don't have much choice but to firstly do a financial plan to cope with today and rid of yesterday..

From there, you both can maybe re-locate somewhere you do like living..

My ex had his bank account I had mine, it sucked... Then he would go and spend on "toys" cars/bikes/clothes for his bike, etc,and not be paid for work and not be able to pay the Mortgage and then stress himself to the hilt and argue with me. The only way out was for me to pay the Mortgage.. He would blame me simple, not fair, not correct but simple. That was his way of coping..

You need to sit down write your incomes, one side, your debts the other and what is left is all you can spend monthly which you then both have to decide how much each gets.. If you start the I earn more than you, so I get more,etc, it will never work trust me.. It is complicated but only if one person views his/her income as his or hers and not a shared commodity in a relationship where you work towards bills together, and have money left to enjoy life as well.

Financial Stress is the worst I think, so unless you can get this under control the little things such as jealousy, are minor but will escalate as well, everything escalates... and arguements will be on-going.

CW

**kms** · 01-27-2009 01:01 PM

Just a quick comment: whenever you find yourself getting into an argument over something minor and insignificant, just stop. Let him argue, yell, be angry, whatever, but you shouldn't respond or say anything. Don't have a grimace or ugly look on your face either; just patiently listen to him. Wait for him to finish. He'll run out of steam fast when he realizes that you're not giving anything back to him. You could also make an understanding comment like, "you seem so frustrated..." if you wanted, but saying nothing usually works best.

This technique works wonders, I promise. It stops you from getting caught up in stupid, senseless arguments that damage your relationship further and make you even more distant for no reason at all. It also helps point out to you and him what things are worth discussing (not arguing over!).

When you do have a legitimate complaint, don't see it as a complaint. See it as a concern, a misunderstanding. Approach him with "I" statements (not "you never take the trash out!" but perhaps "I just really don't like taking the trash out"). That way he knows the reasons for how you feel and isn't feeling blamed and attacked. Also discuss things calmly, logically, without emotions or overreactions. Discuss from the perspective of understanding - you want him to understand your side, your reasons and feelings, and you are inquisitive to know about his perspective.

If he's got any sort of self-awareness he'll catch on to what you're doing and will start to mirror your communication style after a while. You may be the only one doing it at first, but hang in there - it'll improve, especially if he's also willing to make the relationship work.

**torn2pieces** · 01-29-2009 08:00 AM

This relationship that I am in is so weak and feabile. I don't want to give up or give in but I want peace and happiness, is that too much to ask for? He deserves the same thing and the only way to get it is to separate. I want to separate for a while. I don't want to lose him but I need space, even if its just to have one just one good week. I need happiness. Even when I try to be understanding it still don't work, it's just not working.

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