Thread: Feeling like giving up

I've blown it in marriage more than once and part of it was this kind of thinking. Walking down the aisle, standing front of a judge or minister, having party, adding a ton to your debt load - won't improve the situation. You hit the nail on the head -He has to want to change. Until he does there should be no marriage. YOU can't Make it work, that takes both of you and right now it doesn't sound like he is interested. Can he change? Yes. But he has to do it. You can't do it for him or make him do it.

As for your statement, " I've been hurt WAY too many times in my short life by the ones I love. Why can't I have a normal life? Why? " I've said this many times and I'm more than twice your age - slow learner I guess. Last time I really thought I had it right, it literally started to come apart the day after the marriage. There were subtle signs before, I failed to see them for what they were. You don't have subtle signs here, you've got a freakin billboard. It's plastered all over, this isn't going to work! Not as it is now.

Sounds more like you are in love with what you think could be, not with what is. You can go on loving him but don't have to marry him until he gets his act together. Call off the wedding, don't incur any more expenses or energy there. (people spend way too much on this anyway - gets them off to a bad start financially) Give him a deadline, he gets a job, gets out of bed, off the couch, on his feet, starts walking the dog, helping out, looks for and finds a real job, starts some trade training (?), or you walk. You are talking about the rest of your life living with this man, having children with him - this isn't what you want. You wouldn't be posting about it if it was.

Be prepared though, I did this with my first husband, gave him six months to get a job, quit the drugs, dump the gf and not get another, and I quit giving him money, took him off my credit cards. He moved into the spare bedroom, and changed nothing. I paid off the debts and at the end of six months moved out and filed for divorce. He put on some dramatics, made some threats, ran up some new debt and tried to stick me with it, demamded the wedding rings back (he bought them on payments and guess who'd actually paid) then returned the rings - I sold them. He finally buzzed off after the divorce was final and guess what? THEN he got a job (still has it almost 30 yrs later) and quit the doping. He's never remarried.

If the relationship isn't what you want before you marry, it's unlikely to improve after. Why take the chance? Fix it first or leave, Yes, it hurts, but not as badly as looking at your children and knowing you have brought them into the world with a total jerk that they will have to deal with and learn from all their young lives.

How ever badly it hurts now, it will get worse if you marry him and have kids and then try to deal with it. There are plenty of good men in the world, find one you can share life with, not a remodeling project. You are young, you've got many years ahead of you, make the life you want as a single, give yourself time to enjoy it and then find a man who fits the life you have.