Falling apart

**MrSaturn** · 02-03-2009 01:32 PM

Hi everyone. This is the first time I have visited this forum, but it looks like there are many supportive people here, and I feel that I need to get this off of my chest. I'm sorry in advance if it rambles.

I'm a 30 year old Japanese-American male living in the US, and I married my Japanese wife in 2007. We met in Japan, had a relationship for 1.5 years, and got married to begin the visa process. I returned to the US to find a job, and 8 months later she came to live with me (first time living together). It was a really difficult 8 months, but we got through it. We had our wedding ceremony here in late 2008, and we have been living together for about 7 months.

English obviously isn't her first language, and she is unfamiliar with many of the US's customs, culture, and way of thinking. Likewise, even though I am 100% Japanese, I grew up on the US and am for all intents and purposes, American. It has been a tough 7 months for her, since she is alone here without family and friends, and immobile due to her only having a learning permit for driving. My parents are nearby, but I am pretty much the only one that can support her here. As a result, when she vents her emotions, it is to me (probably not the best person).

She is very self-conscious about her appearance, and is always comparing herself to American women. I think she is beautiful and tell her so, but she has breast envy, blond-hair envy, etc.

Last October, right before the wedding, I did something ridiculously stupid. After an argument at home, I looked at some internet pornography while she was taking a walk outside. Sure, I looked at it from my teen years right up to when she moved in with me, but for the most part stopped when we were living together. It really hurt her feelings though, and she felt that I wasn't satisfied with her body and/or didn't think she was beautiful enough. Given that most pornstars are blondes with large breasts, it was a huge blow to her. She threatened to go back to Japan and break off the marriage/wedding, but after talking to her mom, she decided to stay. I promised never to look at pornography again, and I haven't since then.

Unfortunately, we know how American media loves to show scantily clad busty women everywhere, from Giada on the Food Network to a bikini scene in the G rated movie Snow Dogs to the clerk at the local mall. Each time she sees something like this, her bad memories return and she goes silent. We have argued about this sometimes (do you think she is pretty? do you think her breasts are bigger than mine? do you like her?) but I thought there was nothing I really could do apart from gouging my eyes out so I could no longer see.

I know her loneliness played a part in her emotional outbursts, so I tried to be patient and just hope she could adapt. I had quit my hobbies so I could be with her always, since it didn't seem fair that she should have to wait at home alone at night while I was off at orchestra rehearsal or somesuch. We bought a puppy last month to keep her (and me) company, which helped immensely. We also talked about having a child because the isolation and loads of free time she had at home was having a negative effect on her (lots of time to think = bad memories coming back). I guess the heavens listened, and we found out last week that she is 5 weeks pregnant. I was in shock because I didn't think it would happen this fast, but we were looking forward to our new baby, buying books to prepare ourselves, letting her relax more to reduce her stress, etc. Our first prenatal visit is this Thursday.

Everything changed yesterday.

When she found out I watched porn last year, she became enraged, pounded my chest with her fists, tried to kick my shins, destroyed her cellphone and computer monitor, and threw some objects at me (small wooden statues, saltshakers, etc). I had really hurt her, and I vowed never to do anything to hurt her like that again.

However, yesterday she asked me to name some of the pornstars that I looked at last year. When she previously asked me to name some of my favorite actresses, I was hesitant because I knew she would compare herself to them, and we had an argument about why I liked Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron (why do you like her? why do you think she is beautiful? you like her more than me, don't you? you want to watch this movie only because she is in it, etc). I knew if I named any pornstar, she would look her up and compare herself to her... so I refused to answer her. I told her that I put that all behind me and that I only loved her, not some girl in a video on the internet. But she just kept asking me over and over to give her names, threatening to go back to Japan, abort the baby in Japan, drink alcohol, kill herself, go back to her former boyfriend. She got violent physically, again trying to hit and kick me and throwing the dining chairs against the table and walls. She had broken the other cellphone I gave her and barricaded herself in the apartment, saying that she wouldn't let me in until I gave her names.

I know that with the baby, her hormones and emotions are a roller coaster right now, but it seems that she always has the thoughts of me watching pornography on her mind. I don't expect her to forgive me, either in the long term or at all, but the deeper issue of her self-confidence in her appearance needs to change if we are to stay together.

Unfortunately, she has completely blocked me out now. I feel that perhaps returning to Japan to be near her friends and family will be a good thing for her, but we still feel that we love each other. And with the pregnancy, it complicates things. During the heat of emotions, she has threatened divorce, but she often calms down the next day and apologizes. But the physical violence and threats on our baby are too much for me. She always blames me for what I have done, even if I try to say that this is our problem and we have to talk it through together.

Simply saying "all men watch porn, it's perfectly natural" or "what's done is done, just look towards the future" won't work... so I'm not really sure what I can do. I have heard that pornography has ruined marriages, but I pray that something can be done for her, and for our unborn child.

If any of you have any advice about how to handle this, I would be greatly appreciative.

PS- she is not open to marriage counseling at the moment. maybe when she cools down, but she says it is basically "our problem" or more specifically "my problem."

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-03-2009 03:29 PM

Oh dear....

Let me ask you a question, because I am trying to see this but how was the first year and a half? Before she moved in with you?

It is never easy changing your complete lifestyle, moving away from what you know, living with a person for the first time, but physical violence is a trait, that had to be within her already and how are you to know her nature?

This is why I am asking how it was for the first 18 months.

Another words, she had to have always had in-securities, in Japan it would have still been she's thinner, or she has nicer hair than mine... Just because she now sees blondes and big busts, doesn't mean they weren't around before, in Japan either, or on TV.

Perhaps this is why her Mother said, stay, knowing her daughter's nature.

The way in which you have handled everything is to be commended, but why give up your life? Your hobbies? Can she not attend some of those with you?

Is there not culture groups there that she can join?

Does she not have hobbies herself that she can start?

CW

**WildChild** · 02-03-2009 03:35 PM

Wow. You are aware the some of the most over the top porn (a lot anime) comes from Japan? They seem to be really into it. Is she unaware of that?

What would you be doing if she went back to Japan? It's unfortunate she got pregnant before you have resolved all this. But this doesn't sound like pregnancy hormones. She is having trouble adjusting to another culture but it also sounds like she's got other issues. I used to work with quite a few people from all over the world, there are always adjustments to be made but this sounds pretty over the top.

You don't say where in US you are, is there any sort of Japanese community? Some way she could connect with some other women? They may help her feel more balanced. Oddly enough, I've had three relationships where the the man either had affair with or had been involved with and couldn't get over a Japanese woman - she should have no reason to feel she compares unfavorably with American women! With my first husband mooning over one, I felt pretty inferior myself at that time!

Cutting out all your interests and activities isn't healthy for you or your relationship. She needs some interests of her own. I don't know how you can resolve this but I think if she had some women she could get together with, it would help. She's kind of like an orphan here.

**MrSaturn** · 02-03-2009 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Oh dear....

Let me ask you a question, because I am trying to see this but how was the first year and a half? Before she moved in with you?

We saw each other a few times a week, and I visited and got along well with her parents. In the beginning, she went to Canada to study English (already planned before we met) so we were apart for 6 months, but we decided to try the long-distance thing and it worked out. Even then, though, there were some problems. I was friends with a few women in my orchestra club, and she didn't like it when I went to parties with my club. She never hit or threw anything, though. It was only since she came to the US that she became depressed often and would lash out at me.

Is it wrong to assume most women have insecurities about their appearance? In Japan, most people look similar, to be honest. Thin (to the point of being too thin), long straight hair, small faces, small busts. Sure, there's blondes on TV, but you don't encounter them much if at all outside, which may be why she didn't visibly show these insecurities in Japan.

I tried to take her to ESL classes and to my hobbies, but she wasn't interested. We had a great time on weekends, when we'd go out to the beach or to the city for shopping and dining out. Unfortunately, the area we live in has very few Japanese people, if any. Before she came to the US, she was working at a trading company and had a good time with friends at work. She often misses that, which is why we bought the puppy and planned for the baby, so she can look towards the future rather than back towards the past.

Her driving test is later this month, but each day and week passes so slowly for her.

The major issue, though, is the pornography and how she sees herself. Yes, Japan is the land of tentacle porn, and the evening papers often have a spread of some naked woman in it. Cleavage is on all of the comic books and young adult magazines, and signs on the trains remind you not to grope anyone. But she always thought "my husband would never look at any of that", so when she found out, she felt that her trust in me was broken. Being alone probably just compounded the situation- 90% of the time, she seems happy, says things like "I'm so lucky to have found a wonderful husband" and "I don't know what I would do if you weren't around."

This is my first relationship ever, so I am a bit inexperienced in understanding how women behave emotionally. She is still 25, and sometimes acts young for her age (arguing like a child, repeatedly demanding what she wants, blackmailing me by saying "do this, or I will do <something bad>".

Her parents might also be one of the reasons for her outbursts. Her dad and mom live separately most of the time because he works in another city (common in Japanese workplaces). He also may have cheated on her, and I'm not sure if she loves him anymore. However, he is still supporting her financially, and he probably regrets what he's done. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but they don't get along and it's likely her mom threw objects at him when they argued.

It's hard to breach that subject with her, though, since I know relatively little and her mother is the only connection she has right now (they talk often on Skype).

**MrSaturn** · 02-03-2009 05:44 PM

On another subject, how unusual/normal is it for-

1. my wife to read my emails (if i leave the browser open)
2. my wife to be jealous of women I liked before I met her (like high school crushes)
3. my wife to threaten to kill herself during an argument

1- I mean, on one side you have people saying it's good to have an open relationship, you should have nothing to hide, etc. On the other, you have people saying that you need to respect their privacy and it's a sign of trust, which is essential in a marriage/relationship. If she's digging through my emails and my cellphone, is that a serious sign of trouble?

2- I don't ask her about her previous relationships- I don't want to know anything about them. But she always seems to deliberately want to open up cans of worms, by asking things like "what pornstars do you like" or "what do you like about this actress" or "you said you still remember your first kiss- you must love her more than me, don't you?"

3- She often makes threats if she doesn't get what she wants in an argument. She becomes even angrier when I try to avoid confrontation and try to leave, saying "there you go, running away to your parents house, coward" or "why don't you say something to me? when you don't say something, it's the same as admitting you did something wrong."

These kinds of arguments happen so often now that I have learned to block most of her anger and hope that tomorrow she will cool down... but every time, her hateful words and threats kill a little part of me.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-03-2009 06:18 PM

Yes she is overreacting on a monumental scale but being with a severely insecure person requires a lot of sacrafice and patience. You don't get to yell out 'oh wow so and so is hot' at the movie screen like guys with confident spouses do. (Stupid to do anyway, why can't guys just think that in their head hehe). It sounds like you are doing your best to make her feel secure and it sounds like she was getting better before the pregnancy. Some women get protective of their relationship during this time, and view rediculous things as threats to their family. If you love her, if you can forgive her this emotional flaw that she probably wishes so badly she didn't have, you can work through it. Her making friends (a baby alone will not ease the lonliness she feels) and perhaps some relationship counseling would do both of you some good.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-03-2009 06:37 PM

Marriages should be built on trust.

There is no necessity to go through anyone else's personal things.... If there is trust.

I can feel a bit of aggravation there now with your last post... Spitting out words of anger off course, hurts and does kill any feelings, bit by bit.

I feel that you may not have known her as well as you have hoped to have, prior to her moving over to you and are now seeing things that are not of your nature.

I feel that you are doing all the right things as far as trying to help her settle in, but jealous, in-securities, physical tantrums, yelling, threatening, suicidal expressions, are not something one person truly can handle totally on their own.

Can you speak with your parents about all of this?

Can you speak with her Mother?

Have you spoken to her and asked her if she is truly happy, or if she is doing all of this because she is caught in something that maybe she herself feels now is not right?

You say that you both have said that you love each other and so you are trying....

She is acting like an extremely controlling woman, but still not happy and wanting even more, ever inch of your being to be exactly what she needs, requires, every word, every action, destroying every part of what you were, how you lived but also like someone who is building all this anger inside herself and then letting it out bit by bit what is it that she is so angry about?

Maybe the split from her parents? Maybe the fear as this is all new? Maybe the in-security of what happened with her family?

You have to talk to her, what will be will be but a true relationship, requires good communication, sit her down and tell her , "you didn't act this way when we first met and you didn't have all these fears, it's eating at you, what are you afraid of? What has happened maybe in your past that scares you?"... See if she opens up.

CW

**sipho** · 02-04-2009 04:05 AM

its really refreshing reading wat you have just said about your wife i have had issues like that with my fiance and i realised that most of these things stem from insecurity. the best thing that you can do for her is to complement her all the time especially when she is least expecting it so that she feels really beautiful in your eyes.this really worked for me. take her with you whenever possible that will make her feel loved and make her feel that you are proud of her this will really boost her self esteem. and maybe you can consider allowing her to do wat she wants in terms of her looks maybe this will give her more confidence in herself.

**WildChild** · 02-04-2009 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by sipho

and maybe you can consider allowing her to do wat she wants in terms of her looks maybe this will give her more confidence in herself.

Oh dear, maybe Sipho didn't intend it that way... I hope. This sounds like you think you own her. It's her body, her looks. You don't "allow" her to do anything with it! It's hers!!!

**Little** · 02-04-2009 06:29 AM

If she weren't Japanese (and young) I'd say you just married my mother. Google "the Abusive Woman," an article by Nancy Davis (it's free!)
Don't expect her to change her mind or her behaviors. Maybe she's mentally ill. This, however, doesn't mean you have to stay. Her behavior MAY not be her fault, but that doesn't mean it's your responsibility.
What is your responsibility is the child you've created. Please carefully read read the section about how an abusive woman impacts her children. I can account for every word. If your wife continues this way, you will spend your life choosing between her and your child. I wish I had something more optimistic to say, but my advice is to get custody and run far, far away.

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