My fiance wants to have sex with other people

**shebbie** · 02-05-2009 04:46 PM

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

My fiance of the past 2 years (and best friend for the preceding 5 years) recently told me that he's always been curious about having sex with other women, with or without my involvement. We are both pretty young (22yrs old) and I'm not sure if this is his way of telling me we jumped into something to fast and he never got a chance to have the experience of being with other people or what. He's always been extremely honest with me (about things so gross or weird I won't even mention) and he told me that this has absolutely nothing to do with our relationship being in trouble, it's just a fantasy of his, which I can believe. Aside from this, we currently have a beautiful 1yr old son and are expecting a daughter in may and I don't know if that makes him feel even more tied down.

Initially I didn't have a problem with the idea of him going off to have sex with strangers (besides the obvious fear of him picking up an STD) as I've never had an issue with him watching porn or simply checking out other women elsewhere. But lately I've had this fear that he may meet someone and end up liking them for more than just the sex...

He mentioned a threesome a few months ago, and I thought it sounded exciting, but I kind of thought telling him I'd be willing to do that would freak him out (don't ask me why). I've told my fiance since then that I'd be more up for being involved than not, and he thinks that I'm only saying it so I can 'babysit'.

I'm not so sure I'm completely turned off to the idea, I just don't want to let him do something I'll regret allowing later.

**yellowpiXi3** · 02-05-2009 07:37 PM

I am sorry that you are in middle of the sea with a boat and no paddle.

This must be really tough for you. I can't say I have been there. But, I believe that if you are with someone you are committed to that person. His fantasy is his fantasy. What do YOU want? If you feel that you might regret it later; you probably will. GO WITH YOUR INSTINCTS. You need to tell him how you really feel about it.

If he takes it and understands where you are coming from then its probably not a big deal. BUT, if he gives you any lip about it. I would ask why is he so upset?; does he have someone in mind already?

I would poke around some more and get a feeling about it. Then make your decision and stand by it.

GOOD LUCK!

<3

**happy ending** · 02-06-2009 03:20 AM

uuuuuummmmm - i thought you got engaged because you didnt want to sleep with other people - thats my thoughts on the matter

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-06-2009 04:46 AM

It just seems off. He wants to marry you, but wants to satisfy a fantasy of sleeping with another woman. I agree Happy, most people marry because they don't want to sleep with anyone else. I mean in a traditional marriage anyway.

The thing is, even if you say no to this, you now know what he wants to do and if he still wants to do it he might do it anyway and just hide it from you. That is probably an unfair assumption but his saying to you that you'd only want to be there (in a threesome) so you can babysit, to me implies that this is all about him, his wants.

You are young, yes you have been with him for a long time but don't let time already invested lead you into even more time wasted territory. I guess it all depends on your expectations for your life, what kind of happiness you want, what kind you feel you deserve.

If this at the heart makes you unhappy, why settle for that? Would you want this for him if he had not asked it of you? Its great that he was honest with you and didn't just go behind your back, that is a good sign. But him asking in the first place is however not a good sign of things to come. It just isn't. If you start lowering your expectations of what you consider faithful and loving husband to be to this, he may keep asking you to set that bar lower and lower and lower.

Your happiness should be priority number 1 for you, his happiness is obviously priority number 1 for him. Don't agree to anything that makes you uncomfortable , and don't throw yourself into a threesome unless its something you trully desire to do. Ask him how important any of this really is to him, this fantasy, ask him if he thinks he could live without it. Ask him what he expects to gain from it, what is he seeking in sex with another woman besides a different face?

Could he deal if you had the same fantasy, to be with another man without him there? And since when does "wanting to be with other women" qualify as the kind of fantasy that should be granted ? Some men may have fantasized about their wife's sister perhaps, but would they have the audacity to be asked to fullfill it? Probably not. Not only is it a selfish request, its insensitive and downright mean.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-06-2009 04:50 AM

I just want to add that I find this request of being with a woman by himself mean. Asking for a threesome, well its something sometimes even a committed in love man would do. But they do it asking for their loved one to be a part of it, to share the experience together. This here asking to go off and do it alone, he's asking for a get out of cheating pass, not a fantasy grant.

**WildChild** · 02-06-2009 08:10 AM

Well there are all sorts of relationships - it's a matter of what works for you. But it has to work for both. Sometimes people put things on the table just to see where it will go, not really expecting you to go for it and in fact they may be relieved at some level if you don't. You could just be honest and say, let me think about it for a year or two and see. If you're in it for the long haul a bit of a wait should be fine. You could try turning the tables and enthusiastically tell him about this guy you met who would be great to include!

A fantasy is just that - fantasy. Sex talk it, role play it? Doesn't mean you have to actually get someone else involved. If you are usually jeans and tee shirt, switch to a dress and low heels and different make up (you are pregnant - stilletos are a bad idea - don't want to fall or cause back trouble). Give him different sides of you, see where that goes.

**sourpuss** · 02-06-2009 08:20 AM

Is he willing to let you go out and sleep with other men without his involvement?

**shebbie** · 02-06-2009 10:35 AM

It's odd because at the beginning of our relationship (when it actually turned from friendship to dating) he had a HUGE issue with me even being in the same room with another guy. It had a lot to do with the only 3 people he had been with before me cheating on him or lying about something to th effect, so I tired to stay calm with him and assure him that it'd never happen with me... which it still hasn't and won't ever. I never had an issue with him talking to whomever he felt because I am in no way a jealous person (or so I thought. I don't even know if this constitutes as jealousy or what?) We've gotten past his little issue with me having male friends, but it just took me by surprise when he asked me about my thoughts on this.

And the way he described it was more like swinging, not like he never wants to have sex with me ever again. After our next child is born, he's already decided to get his tubes tied and I'm getting an IUD because two kids at our age, even though I'm graduated from college, will be difficult, even though we love being parents.

Sorry, I strayed off topic there for a second. Anywho, he said he'd always wear a condom with whoever he hooked up with to do as much as he could to avoid diseases and whatnot, and that once we're both set, sex with me would always be without one. He says he knows that it will always feel better with me just because of that, but I don't know. We also talked about what would be okay and not IF I ever became alright with the situation, and I told him oral sex and vaginal sex would be it. Nothing more, not that he's ever been into anything more, but if he's got weird fantasies like this, I wouldn't want to find out.

I kind of understand why he'd want to do it, though. Being his best friend for as long as I was, I know he's always been an guy. Funny thing is, my mom didn't bless me with one. He tells me that I'm beautiful and the only person he'd ever want to see when he wakes up in the morning, but I know that he'd probably be more fulfilled looking at someone slightly more blessed than me in that respect. Besides that, I'm physically fit (with the exception of my gigantic stomach at the moment) and have a decent cup size, but he's never cared much about the size of a woman's breasts, which is fine.

One more big thing for him is that with the last 3 people he was with, he was able to make each of them orgasm during sex. I've never had one, and he used to try, but now he doesn't see much point because we both came to the realization that I'll probably never get one. Sex still feels good for me, it just never gets to that point. He confided in me the other night that it makes him feel a little useless when he can't please me sometimes, and I think that also has something to do with it.

As far as the question most people asked, I did bring up the hypothetical about having sex with other guys to see how he'd react (even though I'd never want to) and he said no at first. His reasoning being that guys are usually more stupid than women and would lie to me about STDs just to get sex. I told him it was a load of because women do it, too. I could tell the thought of me doing anything with anyone else bothered him, but after that he told me it wouldn't be fair of me to allow him to do it when and if I ever did, and not allow me to do it. We ended the conversation with whatever he wanted to do, I should be allowed to do, and agreed on it... However, I think he knows I'd never do anything, so...?

One last side note. I still have yet to make any male friends because even though he 'got over it', I never wanted to test it, nor have I met anyone not interested in me for reasons other than to get with me (sometimes I can't stand guys) that would even be a worthwhile friend. There's one guy I do talk to, however he's my fiance's best friend and lives across the country, but I don't count him because he was never my friend first.

**shebbie** · 02-06-2009 10:38 AM

That 4th paragraph was supposed to say that he's always been into women's butts and I don't really have one. I probably got carried away and put a word I wasn't supposed to, sorry.

**sourpuss** · 02-06-2009 11:54 AM

Wow. I don't know what to say. Since there are children involved I can't say just leave him....but jeesh! Do you know how selfish he sounds? And please, don't post a defense post about him. He doesn't try to make you feel good during sex, wants to be with other women and won't allow you to have friends who are male!

The more you post, the more it sounds like you know he's going to do it anyway and you're just trying to talk yourself into feeling ok with it.

Is this what you really want out of a lifelong relationship?

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