Addicted to WOW(world of warcraft) marriage falling apart

**samanthatallon** · 06-14-2010 03:11 PM

ugh my brother is addicted to pc's, ps3's and you name it he loves it and i am an avvid gamer too, love cute facebook trashy games lol, anyway, my brother eat sleeps and lives computer, namely this new game called apb, he is 19btw, jobless and lives with my mom, he needs a good kick you know where and marching down to the nearst position available. But my mother lets him away with it. anyway, i am here, and he stays with me a few nights a week as we are best buds and have a gaming session at the weekend if we have nothing better to do, but it got to a point where he was still in bed at 6pm in the afternoon as he didnt go to bed till 4 am, i got fed up and banned all games for everyone, he ran home to mum for a few days but was then back again, and at the comp, so in the end i temporarily cancelled my internet , and sent him packing for good, he is no longer allowed to stay overnight, and he has to be home by eleven as i will not tolerate it in my home. I know it sound mean and a little drastic, but you should consider it, until he realises you are his wife and should come first in his life, he can keep wow but to a limit, as if he is as addicted as you say he is, it should be good for him. Even though at first he may not agree, drastic measures i know, but just an idea tara for now and good luck xxxxxx

**Cervixus Maximus** · 02-20-2011 01:04 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Thanks Brad for your insight.

It's actually very clever of them.. They are Millionairres .. They prey on the weak... Or those whom like challenges... How can one stop? It never ends.

CW

So the creators of the game are the ones at fault here? I don't play WoW, but can still tell you that is ridiculously absurd. That's the same kind of dribble that people spit when they try to sue McDonald's because they are fat.

The game is usually $40-60. The monthly rate for WoW is about $15. Whether or not someone plays 1 or 100 hours they have still made their money. They don't make these entertainment products to 'prey' on anyone. They are a legitimate company selling a legitimate entertainment product.

I do like to play a 'Battlefield' (First-Person Shooter) game on the XBOX nightly if I can... but sometimes I don't. If I am at my SO's house for instance. I'm not going to box up my games and bring them over... because I have that magical thing called SELF CONTROL. Battlefield is a of a lot of fun and, honestly, if I could play more I probably would.

But , I realize there are other things to be done. How can one stop? Turn off the game.

If I sit around playing all day I will

1. Lose my job.

2. Get fat.

3. Lose my SO.

Even the slowest amongst us should be able to figure that out. Point being: These guys are trash. Get rid of them.

**Cervixus Maximus** · 02-20-2011 01:08 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Don't shrink.. You've stated what we all say... It's an addiction... And, if you can do it for fun, then fantasic, your not an addict... but that is not what the creators soley wanted, they need your type too... They wanted the addicts.

Good reply.

CW

Same thing as above. The creator nor the game are to fault for the behavior of the babies mentioned by the posters here.

**Cervixus Maximus** · 02-20-2011 01:30 PM

Originally Posted by TWills32

I am letting my WoW subscription run out, which will end in April. I really haven't been playing it at all for the past month. This game is truly addicting, I can see it now. In order to even achieve anything in the game, you have to sink several hours a day into it, literally. Blizzard created that game to hook people, because $15 a month from millions of people equals a ton of money. They want their subscribers to stay addicted, so they will keep bringing in the money. A lot of people use the game as an escape mechanism, which is fine in small doses. Everyone needs an escape, whether it be reading, painting, or video games. Everything needs to be in moderation, though.

I hope everything here can see how wasteful this game is, or make their partner see.

\MMORPGS existed before WoW i.e. Everquest. Blizzard wants subscribers... yes, but I can hardly see them as diabolical villains "Muahaha we are ruining marriages everywhere!!!!" Like I said above it doesn't matter if a person plays 1 or 100 hours they still get the same $15 .

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-20-2011 01:32 PM

Sure your not a creator ?

Cervixus, a debate is good...

Certainly, it's up to the weak person huh, the one with an addictive personality to be like you in control and not allow it to take over your life, but how many strong willed people exist in this World?

So I am still calling, it...In my opinion, it is pretty evident that the exciting game created, (take money aside) is going to please the addicted personality..There's internet time, there's how many weak addicted personalities exist that enjoy games? Don't all men love to remain a little boy?

My thoughts are yes.

Everyone has a right to own a business, I Do. Everyone has a right to aim at what they think will make them money, that's intelligence, so I am not knocking them, what I am saying, is surely they aren't "stupid"enough to realise that what they created is aimed at a person with an addictive personality, and consequently they in turn, will tell others and others will join and so the wagon continues to turn it's wheels.

Don't agree with you... It was a highly intelligent thought out game probably by someone with an addictive personailty themselves but then we are allowed to disagree, debate on this Forum.

Here's the thing, you knew how much it was, and per month, you love Battlefield, you "control" yourself to not take it over your SO's house but admit you'd play it more if you could. So, you could easily become addicted if you wanted to, you are one of the stronger ones

CW

**ItsASecret** · 02-20-2011 01:53 PM

Games are not at fault, they care about the money not the individual. They could care less if a person plays 15 hours a day or an hour a week that company still gets their money from the initial buying of the game and the once a month fee. As long as that revenue is there that is all that matters. If a person is not able to distinguish too much game time from moderate game time that is their issue not the game developers. A true addict is not what people think they are. A true addict will put that addiction above everything and everyone else...no showering, no eating, no going out unless they absolutely must. The guy that comes home after work to play some WoW before dinner then breaks for the rest of the night is not an addict...the guy who comes home hops on the computer ignores the calls that it is dinner and ignores his wife is an addict. Developers are not there with psych degrees figuring out how to manipulate every single player into becoming an addict. They know how to code games they know how to develop games they do not know psychological manipulation of preying on those who have addiction issues.

Heck I love playing Call of Duty, I would rather play that than study. But I do not because I need grades more than I need to complete a contract in game. Those developers also could care less about me as long as I bought the game. They got their $60 and that is all that matters.

**Midnite** · 02-22-2011 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Sure your not a creator ?

Cervixus, a debate is good...

Certainly, it's up to the weak person huh, the one with an addictive personality to be like you in control and not allow it to take over your life, but how many strong willed people exist in this World?

So I am still calling, it...In my opinion, it is pretty evident that the exciting game created, (take money aside) is going to please the addicted personality..There's internet time, there's how many weak addicted personalities exist that enjoy games? Don't all men love to remain a little boy?

My thoughts are yes.

Everyone has a right to own a business, I Do. Everyone has a right to aim at what they think will make them money, that's intelligence, so I am not knocking them, what I am saying, is surely they aren't "stupid"enough to realise that what they created is aimed at a person with an addictive personality, and consequently they in turn, will tell others and others will join and so the wagon continues to turn it's wheels.

Don't agree with you... It was a highly intelligent thought out game probably by someone with an addictive personailty themselves but then we are allowed to disagree, debate on this Forum.

Here's the thing, you knew how much it was, and per month, you love Battlefield, you "control" yourself to not take it over your SO's house but admit you'd play it more if you could. So, you could easily become addicted if you wanted to, you are one of the stronger ones

CW

I've been reading this forum and found many interesting insights and thought I would share some information as I've been studying the Warcraft addiction issue for awhile.

The heart breaking stories and pain regarding marriages and relationships falling apart are completely understandable and my heart goes out to all those going through it. Having a loved one addicted to WoW and neglecting you, family or responsibilities is so difficult especially when people so easily dismiss it with phrases like "At least he's not addicted to booz or drugs or beating you up". Your situations are unfair and trying and I want to reassure you there is hope. This is an emotionally charged topic so bear with me as I put down my thoughts and I look forward to hearing your responses.

CW has some really fantastic insights some I agree with some I don't so I'm quoting her to address one of the most important points here. I especially appriciate CW's intuitive and honest observation that men tend to behave like little boys and shirk the responsibilty. The few strong willed ones who are able to wake up and handle the addiction on their own are rare. And forgive me CW if my thoughts or observations are not 100% on. I just vibed with your post so I quoted it.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that people are not addicted to these games, I just first want to address the misnomer of an addictive personality disorder.
There is no conclusive clinical evidence from any meta study ever done that supports and addictive personality. None, zero, zip, nada. It is a nice idea and it would be great if it were a personality disorder because then we could diagnose and treat it reasonably. So lets not label something or someone unfairly. When we talk about addiction all kinds of neuroscience and behavioral issues come into play, when you talk about personality even more factors come up and unfortunately the research shows no link. So why do people seem to go from one addiction to the other then? The reality is that people we say have addictive personalities have impulse control problems and a complete lack or disregard of self-regulation. They tend to move from thing to thing for the next distraction, the next thing to fill up their mind or attention so they don't have to be with themselves. This type of persons most challenging task is to meditate because doing nothing and being with themselves is painful. Thus I'm saying people are addicted to the games and activities but the term personality disorder is completely misleading and clinically incorrect.

Ok so here is where I'm coming from.
I am a life coach, Health and Wellness Lifestyle coach actually and also a trained mental health counselor. I did my internships in substance abuse counseling and dealt with it all. During my grad school before the internships I played Warcraft additively and I had a two relationships severely impacted by it. For my substance abuse class we were asked to give something up...and I initially chose caffeine but when I looked in my heart I knew the real challenge was WoW. I was aware I was addicted, the craving for it, the social connection, escape and stability it offered. I learned a lot and it was very difficult and it helped me understand a better what my clients went through especially with the loss of the social network. Since then I have re-engaged in WoW at very moderated levels and I watch interactions and coach my friends through there issues via the game. I play now to keep in contact with my friends and treat it as a fun hobby. If life comes up the game goes to the side. And let me tell you running a business and having a social life that happens a lot.

Here are some of my insights I found:

This is a behavior and social addiction and like all drugs it continues because its profitable. 11 million+ players * $15 a month = 165 million *12 == 1.98 Billion a year.
That is a huge business.
he company knows its addictive which is why the have made efforts to reduce time involved by shorting dungeons and making things more flexable, but really that just gives people more time to do more things. Players stay in the game as long as they WANT to, it is a conscious choice.
This game is a microcosm meaning, you bring in who you are into the game...thus even though there is an illusion of escape its more about connecting with people. The addiction works on 3 a few different levels: Social (play for the people), Power (feeling powerful and good at something), Obsessive thoughts & repetition (Dailies and Gear upgrades)

So what can we do about it?
First keep in mind that in your relationship you are only responsible for your half. Yes your partner is doing things that cause you pain, make you feel unappreciated and you are suffering. They likely know it in their minds but if you think about men keep in mind...they are traditionally passive about communication and relationship dynamics. Most importantly lets not forget this: You can't change a man, we would all love that if it we could but it's unlikely. You can appeal to his need to fix broken things though...men don't like to lose...or the feeling of inadequacy so framing the intervention is key.

Ask yourself these questions:

How can I lay out my concerns in a way that will authentically let him know what I'm feeling (where you stand and what's not working) and give him the space to respond without feeling overwhelmed or threatened.

What is he doing right in the relationship? (If the answer is nothing try harder or ask yourself what does that say about you and your choices in staying with him. Then what are you going to do about it.)

What are his reasons for playing to begin with?

How is the game serving him now? (What is he getting from the game and his play time?)

What will he likely say? (In what ways can I encourage discussion without shutting him down)

How can you both collaborate to find a solution? (You don't need to fix the whole thing now, just take it in steps)

What are you willing to do/accept to find a win/win to this situation? (If you make it all about him...then you've lost the battle)

The best advise anyone can give you in your situations is to be conscious and there is no one answer that is best for everyone. Conflict is about resources (If your emotional gas tank isn't getting filled by your partner with love then resentment naturally forms and conflict begins)

I know for a fact this issue can be helped and I'm even considering a program to help coach people with this...thing is getting over computer game addiction is a choice and requires buy in from the player not the family. So if the player has nothing else to fill that gap in their time, attention and maybe even heart what is to motivate them to leave that other world security? As you've found you are not alone, this addiction sucks and it can be dealt with.

**Midnite** · 02-22-2011 11:33 PM

Originally Posted by blb80

So anyone out there losing their husbands/bf/fiances to the computer game WOW(world of warcraft)? Mine has been playing for nearly two years now. He spend 96hrs a week on the game that statistic is from him. He thinks its funny. Finds the need to tell me how ppl have lost their homes,families etc from being addicted to this game. We have been married for 5.5 years. we were best friends did everthing together and now nothing zero zilch notta!! Im so flustrated and would like to know what advice anyone has. I have threatned everthing from cancelling the intranet to get n a male friend to spend time with. Nothing works. i even set a password to computer so that only i could log him on. That did not go over well at all. u name it i have tried it. im sick of it, i dont have a problem with him playing the game as a hobby or past time, but when it start interfering with your marriage then we have a problem. i told him all i ask for is a "movie night" one day a week and a date everyother weekend. I cant even get that anymore. He dosent want to shower/groom nothing. so of course im losing intrest in the sexual part of our relationship. when you have to tell someone to shower,shave,cut you hair etc......i cant take it!! Not to mention he doesnt even try to have sex. Seriously this is really bad!! Yes he does work, but there is more to a marriage than bringing home a paycheck. Any suggestions out there?? Desperate need of advice!! When the expansion pack came out he was suppose to be done.........yeah that lasted 3 days. I even told him you decide if you want wow or your wife cause if you dont spend time with me then im finding a companion. He got the game so...........what a slap in the face!! I dont really want a companion but I cannot grow old this way either. I asked if he was unhappy,do you want a divorce? answer was no.........well hello..........no intamacy for year and no attention for pushing 2 years. and im not exaggerating people! This game is evil!! Please help!!!!!!!!!!!1

If you weren't upset and frustrated by this, I'd be really concerned. And I want to congratulate you for seeking help, as you've seen by the tremendous responses here you are not alone. I try not to give advice too much because I've found most people have the best solutions inside them and so instead I try to help people get to them.

So here is where I would suggest starting. Find a time in which you can really talk. 96 hours a week is a lot so you'll have to look for the opportunity. 1st Validate his love for the game. Such as: Honey I know you love this game and all its aspect and that is why you play it so much. (Let him know you get it and his feelings for the game). 2nd: Share with him the seriousness of the situation in gentle yet firm terms, be authentic but not overly dramatic. I'm hearing from your post that you are feeling unloved, neglected and a bothered by thoughts of loneliness so powerful your considering finding other companionship. Which is devistating when I hear how amazing of friends you used to be. Let him know that you miss the real him. If your interested and only if your interested in a compromise let him know that you are open to discussing it and that you know you two can work it out together.

Plant the seed of hope, love and choice. You won't be able to change him, but you might shift him into making some changes because he does deeply love you and doesn't want to lose you either. An addiction is like another relationship and many of us equate time as love. Your requests for time are reasonable and understandable. Hang in there and know there is hope.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-23-2011 02:45 PM

Midnite, firstly welcome to the Forum.

Secondly, I liked your post, and thank you for the effort and time that you placed into it.

I also agree, that unfortunately, we have to use phsycology when dealing with things, think it out, how do we approach it, realise that telling is reminding them of being told off, much like their Mother's did, rather finding the solution and how to broach the subject is the key at hand.

I however, am not sure if addiction is really trying to fill in your time, not happy with yourself, in it's totality.

Certainly, if a person had fun things to do, happy things, things they like and spent their time doing those, as well as work and normal living, there would be no room, time for computer games, absolutely...Boredom? Loss of direction of what is more important in life to live? Perhaps.

I'm very happy in-myself...for instance, at peace, all negatives are positive, work for myself in real estate, have a step daughter, fiance, pets, diabetic one, busy, busy, and then there's here, as a poster, and friend, and Moderator. Yet, I smoke, that's an addiction, a bad one

I don't smoke to pass the time, my hands are busy here for instance, nor because I am un-happy, stressed yes, but calm stress I see all positives remember in negatives, it's an addition full stop...one I struggle with..

Now you may say, yes but if you walked more and felt more energetic, got in the car instead of reaching for that cigarette and drove to the beach, walked on it, smelt the air, felt the sand, felt alive, you'd feel if you had a choice of all of that, or cigarettes if it had to be one or the other which one would you choose? And I would say, the walks, because I feel energetic alive but I would then have that "devil" inside me saying you can have both..

So, am I struggling with wanting a healthy life but rebelling? Even though I am size 10, good weight, have a fair amount of energy...

So why do people seem to go from one addiction to the other then? The reality is that people we say have addictive personalities have impulse control problems and a complete lack or disregard of self-regulation. They tend to move from thing to thing for the next distraction, the next thing to fill up their mind or attention so they don't have to be with themselves. This type of persons most challenging task is to meditate because doing nothing and being with themselves is painful. Thus I'm saying people are addicted to the games and activities but the term personality disorder is completely misleading and clinically incorrect.

So why do people seem to go from one addiction to the other then? The reality is that people we say have addictive personalities have impulse control problems and a complete lack or disregard of self-regulation. They tend to move from thing to thing for the next distraction, the next thing to fill up their mind or attention so they don't have to be with themselves. This type of persons most challenging task is to meditate because doing nothing and being with themselves is painful. Thus I'm saying people are addicted to the games and activities but the term personality disorder is completely misleading and clinically incorrect.

Being rebellious

painful or bored? Because they forget the little things that they can do that makes them happy, content, such as laying around reading a book, walking along the beach.

Is it more of the need for their "mind" to be occupied, constantly...They can't just relax, hense why they can't meditate?

Maybe it's they don't have a life or one that is fullfilling to the hilt and happy and they also can't relax, the need to do something all the time..

And smoking is a different kettle of fish, because that is an addition man made, adding the nicotine...

Great post...

CW

**OregonGirl** · 02-24-2011 01:13 AM

I met my fiance on WoW.

True story.

I know it can be addictive as both of my parents are addicted to it. I mean, they both work and they don't neglect their hygiene but whenever they have free time they're playing Warcraft.