I JUST found out my fiance has been having cyber sex behind my back.

**kthaney9** · 02-08-2009 07:53 PM

I have been engaged to my fiance for 3.5 months now. I went to his house a little early last night before he had arrived home and was using his internet. I see porn sites galore. The worst thing is that he was a member of a website- babelsex. Where people have cyber sex through messaging, live cameras, and pictures.

It broke my heart. I left. With his computer and rented a hotel so he couldnt come over to my house.

It has been 24 hours now. I DO NOT know what to do. We are a very Godly couple. Last night he tried to explain that its been a struggle since he was 15 and that God broke him of it after he broke my heart. I think that it COULD be God getting a hold of him and ringing his neck. And that HAS happened. He will no longer be the same man.

Do I stay with him or leave him? I have REAL big issues with myself not feeling good enough for anyone. We had a conversation the night before I found out that he was the person out of everyone I ever knew (and I have had a hurtful past) that just loves me. 100% loves me. Now I feel as if he doesnt love me. If he did. How could this happen? How could he say dirty things to other women? And not feel guilty? Why did I have to find it? How come he didnt love me enough to ever bring it up to me before.

We are both virgins and im not sure how that changes anything. I am just so hurt. As if im not enough for him. And never was. He lied. Big time. About 2 months ago I saw a website on his computer and laughed asking him if he was looking at porn, kidding. And he denied. I am so heartbroken. What should I do? I am such a weak girl and fold into anything. Do I fold into him again? Make him start all over with us and be a better Godly man that I need?

God is the only one who can truly help me and set my mind straight. I know. I have spoke to him a lot in the past 24 hours. This is just another way of letting it out. So far, I told him that we are still together. I told him that I was not going to wear my engagement ring again until I knew what God wants.

Pray for me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-08-2009 08:50 PM

People are human...

Your man is sexual, like any man. Does he not have the right to understand his body?

Be proud that he is still a Virgin waiting for you...

In the meantime, he is being what God created is he not? A man, but one whom is not disrespecting you and sleeping around, he is waiting for you. Nor one, whom has made you change your beliefs prior to marriage..

I know you can't see it this way, rather him being dirty, but he is a Virgin, you are a Virgin, you are both getting married, he may purely be looking, searching, wanting to know how things work, happen, and anticipating what will be with you.. All that he will learn pratically, will be with you, but he is learning in theory, just like reading a book about Marketing to become a great entrepreneur, he is learning.

If you wish to marry, you need to communicate and understand instead of getting upset over it that he is not disrespecting you for looking. But, you must ask him what he gains from it and how often he looks, and why he feels that he needs Cyber Space.. People do become addicted to something and need "more", but here he must understand that this is wrong really to converse in this method with the other sex...

See the plus that he is still a Virgin and waiting to be with you and talk openly about it with him.

You say you are in-secure, then it is this that you must work on also.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-09-2009 12:48 AM

Men and their porn. Sorry for what you are going through Kthaney. CW said all the right things and I agree. Its curiousity, its education, its his way of keeping pure for you by taking care of sexual urges himself rather than break his vow to you and God to wait for marriage for sex. It's just something men do I am learning. A guy friend told me recently that men will look at porn sometimes in a non sexual way even. Like he will log on to his computer, check sport scores, browse some porn sites while having coffee and think nothing of it.

I know that you are hurting, please take a small comfort in the fact that at least the kind of porn he was looking at was "normal" for lack of a better word and not something illegal or scary or even of a different sexual orientation or something.

If you love him and this is the only cause of your pain, you will be able to forgive and get through it. He has seen first hand now how much it hurts you and he deserves a chance to show you that you are more important than it. Please don't let this make you feel like aren't enough for him. You have standards and morals, you have saved yourself for a man you love and that and I am sure so much more makes you so valuable.

**murgatroyd** · 02-09-2009 03:34 AM

I'm afraid I am of a completely opposite view. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to get out now before you make a binding, spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to this guy. Honestly, if it's a problem now, before you're married, what will happen when you've been married a few years, or you're busy with babies, and other pressures pile up?

I would run a million miles. In my opinion, he's having sex. With himself, with people on a webcam. So the skin isn't touching, what's in his head and in his heart? This kind of pornography is really addictive, and there is no way you should saddle yourself with this kind of burden at this stage of your life. Find someone who shares your ideals, believes the same things you do, and will cherish you and enjoy a healthy, loving, committed sexual relationship.

Sorry to sound unforgiving, but you're not married, so I think you should run as fast as you can. Count your blessings that you found out now, now five years later when you have a small child. Believe me. I have been there. I just read an article in a TIME mag from 2004 attributing a huge number of divorces in that year, to online pornography. Better to break an engagement than a marriage covenant.

Prayers for you.

**sourpuss** · 02-09-2009 09:05 AM

If he was just looking at porn, I wouldn't see the problem. But since he's using a webcam and talking (and most likely mutally-masterbating) with others...then, in my opinion, that's crossing a line.

**kthaney9** · 02-09-2009 10:25 AM

But I do love him. I feel like he doesnt love me. There were pictures. Many pictures, videos, emails, texts. Thats the part I dont understand. If he was that into it and he knew it was a problem. He should have been able to tell me. We love(d?) each other. How could he hold it back? I dont know about running from him. I dont know what I would do without him in my life.. but I cant see how hard its going to be for this to heal and how paranoid I will be and it will take so long to get his trust back.

**sourpuss** · 02-09-2009 10:35 AM

He is probably either embarrassed about it or he knows how much it would bother you. I'm sure it's not something he wants to discuss with you. If you're not going to leave him then you need to sit down and tell him how it makes you feel. If he continues to look at it and talk to people online you need to be prepared to be ok with it.

**bprwatson** · 02-09-2009 02:36 PM

Pornography is one thing. Cyber sex is another...to me thats cheating and not something i would ever stand for in a relationship. I'm actually surprised about the comments on here. There was another thread not to long ago that the majority of people agreed cyber sex=cheating (it was a different situation, someone wanted to know if they were having cyber sex if that counted as cheating).

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are the only one that is going to be able to decide if you can forgive and forget and move on with the relationship. If you do decide to stay, make sure you talk about it, go to counseling and have this problem completely resolved before you get married.

Wishing you the best! Again, i'm sorry you are going through this!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-09-2009 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by bprwatson

Pornography is one thing. Cyber sex is another...to me thats cheating and not something i would ever stand for in a relationship. I'm actually surprised about the comments on here. There was another thread not to long ago that the majority of people agreed cyber sex=cheating (it was a different situation, someone wanted to know if they were having cyber sex if that counted as cheating).

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are the only one that is going to be able to decide if you can forgive and forget and move on with the relationship. If you do decide to stay, make sure you talk about it, go to counseling and have this problem completely resolved before you get married.

Wishing you the best! Again, i'm sorry you are going through this!

I believe that the majority did state that the Cyber Sex component was "not on"... including myself.

But, I am also guessing that these two people are very young and you can not honestly state or feel that "young men" don't want to find their sexuality more so than young women?

I can't think of any era whereby a man doesn't masterbate and find, but I have heard and read, where alot of women have never even found themselves even later in life in that regard.

It stands to reason then that there is a possibility that all he is doing is "finding himself"...

Not saying Cyber Space is right, nor that he is not cheating, but looking for perhaps the reason and unless she communicates and asks him, how do we know?

They are both virgins which in my opinion is totallly different than a man whom is married or engaged, has already performed sex many times with his partner, has sex via cyber space... The only reason I base this is that neither of these people have ever engaged in sex and I can't help but feel that the male party maybe experimenting and is young and doesn't see it as cheating.

That's my opinion... I see him as possibly searching and finding..

And, I could be totally wrong, he may be addicted and do the dirty on her later as per the thread you read... But, again, unless she sits down and asks him and communicates it's all speculation and pain and I do feel very much for her... But she has to ask him why.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-09-2009 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by kthaney9

But I do love him. I feel like he doesnt love me. There were pictures. Many pictures, videos, emails, texts. Thats the part I dont understand. If he was that into it and he knew it was a problem. He should have been able to tell me. We love(d?) each other. How could he hold it back? I dont know about running from him. I dont know what I would do without him in my life.. but I cant see how hard its going to be for this to heal and how paranoid I will be and it will take so long to get his trust back.

Off course you feel that way... He has breached trust... He has hidden things.... You say this is the part you don't understand, the videos, the emails, the pictures... you have to ask him why?

He may not have been able to tell you, because it may have been his little world of fantasy, but he has certainly over stepped the mark if he has gone to emails as well, which you didn't state... You have to ask him how often, why, what he gets from it, is he addicted or could he immediately stop....

You have to communicate and stop wondering, if you discuss this as Adults you will find the truth and then you can make your decision on whether he was / is finding or, if that is how it started and then he became addicted.

Ask him calmly to explain it all to you, tell him that you purely want to understand but then listen to the full explanation and don't comment on it, take time to way it all up and gain an opinion before discussing more and deciding.

CW

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