im 23 and my husband of 4 years cheated on me, please help

**kristine333** · 02-20-2009 02:51 AM

hello all. i am 23 and i have been married for 4 years this past jan. i have been with my husband of a total of 6 years. he is in the navy and we have had alot of ups and downs. he has done two 6 month deployments, and among alot of other time away. and our relationship hasnt been the greatest when we were together. we have hit each other before. and we always used to fight. but for the last 6 or so months it seemed that we had turned things around. we dont fight anymore and we were talking about having kids. i stopped taking birth control and bought the 4 door car. but he called about 3 weeks ago and he told me that he cheated on me. that he got drunk and got sucked on by a girl that he worked with. i am a wreck i dont know what to do. i mean i was a decent wife i would say. not perfect i never cheated though. and i loved him with everything i had. i waited and did whatever i could to help him. he wants a second chance at out marriage and i really dont know if i can. i have been threw alot with him but i dont know if i can handle cheating. i am so heartbroken. im just numb. please anyone that has any advice please help.

**layitonmebaby** · 02-20-2009 06:18 AM

You can work through it, though you don't have to. The numbness will likely turn to anger, bitterness, then resentment - which will probably be your struggle, to overcome your resentment & not throw this in his face in years to come.

His will be to acknowledge the trust he's shattered & take on the burden of building it back, realizing that you're going to be suspicious.

That'll cause fights - and opportunities for you both to talk through & grow closer.

Once he's cheated, it can be easier to do it again - it's a barrier that's been broken. He needs to be just as willing to work as you are.

Neither of you are perfect, and never will be. Your "performance" as a wife is never responsible for his cheating. We live in a society where love is usually contingent on good behavior. We behave badly, people love us less.

Your marriage should be a place where love is not contingent on anything.

Hard to get there, but unbelievable when you do.

I'd recommend a counselor.

**WildChild** · 02-20-2009 07:19 AM

Why did he tell you? What was the purpose? And on the phone no less? That was unnecessary and hurtful. You had no idea, it was a one shot deal and the chance of STDs was very low. Honesty is important, trust is irreplaceable but often people make confessions for non productive reasons. This sounds like a very hurtful behavior. If he really felt he had to tell you, it should have been in person and with a good deal more sensitivity.
The two of you have problems as it is. You now have to decide, is it worth saving? Are you both willing to do the work to rebuild your trust and create a stronger, happier relationship? Whatever you do, DO NOT get pregnant. That never makes things better!

**ChelseaRenee** · 02-20-2009 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Why did he tell you? What was the purpose? And on the phone no less? That was unnecessary and hurtful. You had no idea, it was a one shot deal and the chance of STDs was very low. Honesty is important, trust is irreplaceable but often people make confessions for non productive reasons. This sounds like a very hurtful behavior. If he really felt he had to tell you, it should have been in person and with a good deal more sensitivity!

Wow, really? If someone cheated on you, you'd only want to know if it was ongoing or he could have caught something? If my SO had a one night stand, you better believe I'd wanna be told. I don't see confessing in the name of honesty to be "non-productive reasons".

OP, it's up to you whether you want to work it out. The other poster was right- once someone has cheated, it's probably much easier to do it again. ESPECIALLY if you decide to work it out- like, "well, I did it once and she still stayed with me. What's one more time?" You have to lay it down for them. Let him know that he broke your heart, and it's 100% up to him to make it right again. If he accepts, you've both got a lot of work ahead of you and I wish you the best.

**jss2000** · 02-20-2009 04:38 PM

(echoing others' comments) A marriage counselor or clergyperson is a resource you can call on. He or she can offer help in working through this issue--on both a personal and marital level.

**WildChild** · 02-20-2009 05:35 PM

[QUOTE=ChelseaRenee;76984]Wow, really? If someone cheated on you, you'd only want to know if it was ongoing or he could have caught something? If my SO had a one night stand, you better believe I'd wanna be told. I don't see confessing in the name of honesty to be "non-productive reasons".
QUOTE]

I did not in any terms state that she should only be told only if it was ongoing or he could have caught something. My point was that the manner in which her told her was inappropriate and the situation was odd. She says he wants to give it a second try but why did he tell her in this manner? She didn't catch him, he just called randomly to tell her? That sounds like purposefully hurtful behavior. Someon who wants to salvage the relationship should be more sensitive?

**kms** · 02-21-2009 12:43 AM

Maybe we shouldn't be making such harsh judgments without all the information: Is he deployed currently? Might explain why he called and didn't say it in person. Perhaps he also felt bad about it and couldn't face her. Personally I wouldn't be able to say that I cheated to my SO face to face - I'd have to get it all out in an email or something... and then follow up with them after they've seen it.

Second, you said he was drunk, correct? I guess for those of us who have been drunk, we've all done things we regretted or don't even remember. Inhibitions are greatly lowered and logic and common sense are reduced significantly. Seriously, what do you expect when people are drunk? And honestly? I don't think he cheated. He allowed something to happen - while in an altered state of mind. Cheating to me is him taking willful action (he didn't even fck her right??) while in a clear state of mind. Her going down on him when they were drunk is completely different from her going down on him in the office in the middle of the day!

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-21-2009 01:25 AM

People don't have to take responsability when they are drunk? Then he should not be allowed to drink? Or who knows what may happen? He didn't cheat? Because he didnt participate and simply received head? Wow, that is pretty liberal lol. Would it be not cheating either if he DID have sex, but didnt actively pump, was erm.. ridden instead?

**layitonmebaby** · 02-21-2009 12:56 PM

Pretty convoluted...

If he's willing, get you both to a counselor.

Buckle up for a fight worth fighting - it'll be exhausting, but worth it in the end.

If you decide against fighting & split apart, that'll be hard too. Either way you need to get ready for some emotional struggling.

Your trust was shattered. You both need to be ready & willing to work on rebuilding it.

**kristine333** · 02-28-2009 05:22 PM

well my husband is in cali at the moment and i am in IL so thats why he called and told me. but either way, i have been thinking and i think that i am down to my last nerve with this. i told him that i want a seperation. a full one. like when he moves home in march he cant live with me, and i want to be able to do as i please. i just want to have fun for a while. but at the moment i cant even comperhend waking up everyday with him in my bad next to me. its just to much. i dont even want to talk to him anymore. but would any of you really take back your husband if he did this to you?

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