Thread: Feeling Heartbroken

just on a less aggressive note elsa you seem very comfortable in the victim role, is this learned behaviour or a coping mechanism of yours - certainly something to consider.

I was not trying to steal her thread. I was trying to sympathize with her and tell her that I too know how she feels.
what is wrong you and who are you to judge?
i am not a victim. I love my husband but when it comes to figuring out our sex life i am at a dead end.
the whole point of writing to these forums is to download and find a solution not to attack each other.
who are you to judge me? are you so problem-free and confident that you can just sit and judge everyone?
i feel bad about aja's problems and was talking to her regarding this issue.
so if you have something to say to me, write me a personal message or keep your oppinions to yourself.
i do not need any reverse psychology or tough love from you. thank you very much

I think Elsa's post was on topic. It is pretty common in discussion groups to compare the original poster's problems with ones own. By describing her own situation she gives a reason that she can comment on aja's.

Happy_ending - please be nice.

I've seen a lot of posts where someone will just not understand the situation. On this topic in particular (a spouse who has little or no interest in sex), I often see comments to the effect of "you need to pay attention to more than just sex", or "try taking it slowly", or "you need to be more romantic", etc. Those suggestions are appropriate in some situations but not others. For some people (Elsa, myself, many other posters here), our spouses really really really just don't care about sex. Mentioning that indicates that we have experience that directly relates to the original poster.

But please lets not divert this thread any more. Aja's original post was that her husband wasn't interested in physical intimacy any more. I've seen a number of posters with this problem (including myself), so I think it is pretty common - and pretty hard to solve. In 25 years I haven't managed to figure out how to solve this. It may be that some people just aren't interested in sex - and that if it is very important to you, you will need to make the terrible choice between the person you love, and a sexless life.

I need the emotion part of my exchange with my lover as much as the physical. 1 feeds the other. My gey gives me daily physical and verbal effection, he's never been with anyone who wanted it or received it happily before me. It's a major part of the actual love between us and feeds out passion past that to actual sex.

I think women generally want and need this more than men, but good men appreciate a partner's needs. You GIVE what the other needs and wants even when it might not do a lot for you. Giving the other what they need, appreciate and want is simply caring and should feel pleasant and enough of a reward on it's own.

I'm no shrink, maybe my guy is wired different or just appreciates making up for a lifetime of what he's lacked. Maybe age is part of it also, different things matter.

But I'd try to deeply converse with your guy and explain how you feel, what you want and need, and WHY. Any man with general compassion and caring (regardless of age) in a relationship should have the depth to give you what you need since you probably give him things he needs or wants (that you don't). And stick to your guns if need be to make the point clear and fix it. Don't feel awkward if you have to break it down to the most simple things, I'll admit some men need things made pretty simple to absorb everything. Like the weeks it took me to train and explain to my BF (and fix) the fact he never took out the trash that irratated me BIG TIME (just a bit of humor as I know you're hurting).