Husband Cheated- Other Woman Pregnant
My husband and I have been together for 7 years (married 3- as of yesterday). He told me last Sunday that he cheated on me in January and just found out that the other woman is pregnant. He swears that it was a drunken mistake (in her car of all places), but I know from phone records (and from him admitting it now) that they'd texted as "friends" for several months prior. He says he wants nothing to do with her and would prefer for her to have an abortion and for us to work our marriage out. He knows he made a HUGE mistake and wants to make things right with me. He also says that the choice is ultimately hers to make, though, and if she decides to have it, he has no option but to be there as a father (he grew up without one, and he doesn't want to put a child through that). Even though he seems to be sincere in his feelings toward me, I feel totally overwhelmed. She hasn't made a decision regarding the pregnancy yet- she's been spotting and cramping and got her Hgc? level tested and it was low- she's getting it re-tested in a couple of days. She thinks she's having a miscarriage. But, she also seems to be emotionally attached to him- even though she hardly knows him- and I have a feeling she wants to trap him with this baby. I seriously doubt she will consider an abortion. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do!! I'm trying to figure out if this is salvageable- I have so many "what if" scenarios running through my mind right now. I don't think I could live with the idea of him having a baby that's not mine (we don't have children together- we've been plugging away at our careers- trying to get our "ducks in a row" so we could try for one next year). I haven't eaten anything since he told me- I can't sleep- I'm literally a walking zombie. Somebody tell me something!!!
if she keeps it,you know you are going to have to deal with having another woman is his life that you cannot trust,and the possibility of his sleeping with her again is very high. especially now that he will have the excuse of "going to see the baby".
what was he doing drunk in her car?
i honestly think i would end the relationship.rather than having her waiting in the wings,the possibility of another "mistake"and stress of knowing what he did with her behind my back.
You seem more concerned of her keeping the baby, than the fact that your husband cheated, so I am guessing your a little bit open to the fact that he did so and it happened and probably has before, may again..
He seems to be more content in telling you how he feels about it as if you two are best friends, instead of husband and wife, stating that he would have to play a role as a Father, because he didn't have one.
You need to assess for yourself, 1) the fact that he was un-faithful and forgoe the baby bit for a sec and see how you really feel about that, you may be supressing that feeling because your mind is too worked up over the pregnancy.
If this is something you can't forgive and forget, then 3 years is not the end of the earth to walk from.
You also need to ask yourself has he been devastated for you? Has he been saying, I am so sorry hun, are you alright, you have to eat, let me make you something, i so wish i didn't do that, i love you.
If he hasn't been doing this, then he's not particulairly sorry at all..
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
I guess it may seem that I'm pre-occupied with the pregnancy thing. The first thing I did when he told me about the infidelity (besides bawl my bloody eyes out and about have a stroke), was try to figure out what I could and couldn't live with. I finally decided after talking things through with him (why, how, when) and seeing how devastated he was over what he'd done, how much he regretted it, how much he wanted to move forward, how much of a wake-up call it was for him- that I could forgive and forget the cheating. It would take a lot, but I could do it. I cannot, however, no matter how I look at it, see myself moving forward with that baby in the picture. To me, that would be a constant reminder- and the incident would NEVER be in the past- it would be forever in the present and in the future. I feel like my whole future is in limbo right now based on what happens with this pregnancy, and I have no control over it whatsoever. If she miscarries, we can put it in the past and work things out- if she doesn't, we get a divorce and I move on.
And yes, he IS concerned with my health right now- it's tearing him up. He's done everything short of stuffing a feeding tube down my throat. He doesn't know what to do anymore than I do. He feels guilty about everything and says he feels like he doesn't have control over anything either. Neither of us wants to divorce, we just don't know how to fix this......
That's good then, sometimes unless the words are spoken concentration it's hard to ascertain what you should do and give you advice.
Well, why doesn't he approach this woman and tell her that he is deeply in love with you and that, she will be a single mum, doesn't she want to save that love for a man that is there for her day and night.. Make her realise that, she would not be giving her future husband what he deserves, a wife who didn't have a one night stand and get pregnant, a future..
Ultimately it's her choice certainly..... and she should be told that too unfortunately but also be assured that he, the father, is in love with his wife.
Alternative to Divorce is respect... Your husband has to realise he WILL have a child, with YOU, his wife that he WILL be with 24/7 and whilst it's important I think for him to acknowledge the child and let that child know he loves that child, so it's important to respect your marriage and not play a huge role.
I know from your side it would be devestating but, can you live without him, or set some ground rules alternatively?
It's not the child's fault and unfortunately it's always the child that suffers and grows up feeling un-loved....
Ground rules of how, if she keeps the baby may be your alternative to coping and when you have your own child, it will also be special, if you two can work through this.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Have you asked your husband how he would feel if you became pregnant by another man?? What steps he would take... what his reaction be? would he stay or would he be out the door? Would he stay and help you raise some other man's child?
Being drunk is an excuse and not a very good one.
Can he fight for full custody? Has he thought that maybe this baby isn't his and asked for a test to make sure? She could just be pinning it on a nice guy that would take responsiblity. I would atleast check that avenue out.
Well, why doesn't he approach this woman and tell her that he is deeply in love with you and that, she will be a single mum, doesn't she want to save that love for a man that is there for her day and night.. Make her realise that, she would not be giving her future husband what he deserves, a wife who didn't have a one night stand and get pregnant, a future..
He has. She doesn't seem to get it. Here's what I know of her story: she's recently divorced from an abusive ex. She has 2 girls (6 and 4). She's been confiding in my husband as a friend through texts (hence, the emotional attachment). She doesn't care that he's married, or what the consequences are of this situation. He's tried explaining that it was a MISTAKE, that he would never, was never going to, IS never going to leave me- that he loves me and wants to be with ME. He's tried to tell her that going through with this pregnancy is only going to be putting her girls through more trauma, is going to make her life more difficult, and above all- IS NOT FAIR TO THE CHILD. Her response is that she's afraid if she doesn't have the baby, she'll "lose him." His response was that "you never had me."
Have you asked your husband how he would feel if you became pregnant by another man?? What steps he would take... what his reaction be? would he stay or would he be out the door? Would he stay and help you raise some other man's child?
Being drunk is an excuse and not a very good one.
Can he fight for full custody? Has he thought that maybe this baby isn't his and asked for a test to make sure? She could just be pinning it on a nice guy that would take responsiblity. I would atleast check that avenue out.
We did talk about that. It was kind of hard, seeing how I couldn't really imagine myself ever doing that... But in the end, it would still be a different situation- I would be the one in control of whether or not to have the baby- not someone on the outside. I'm not sure what his reaction would initially be. I'm not sure anyone really knows what their reaction would be until they're faced with the situation. I used to say things like "if he ever cheats on me, it's over! I'll pack up his stuff and put it on the front porch!" and "I'll punch his lights out and cut off his &*(^" You just don't know what you'll do until it happens to you.
You're right- being drunk isn't a good excuse. Is there ever a "good" excuse for cheating? Bottom line- it's wrong, no matter the reason.
As for it being his, we talked about that, too. She's so early in her pregnancy right now, there's no way to be sure of anything. We'd have to wait until there was a baby to do a DNA test. But by that time.... I'll probably be out of the picture. I can't see myself sticking around for 9 months trying to work things out "just in case"- only to be devastated again and end up right back where I am now.
Sorry to hear your situation, this has to be tough for you. I can't help but feel sorry for the other woman as well. She could possibly be in the middle of a miscarriage with no support and with people who are mad at her and pressuring her to have an abortion if she doesn't miscarry. That has to be an awful place for her.
Did she know he was married?
Sounds like you are ready to forgive and forget. More power to you. I couldn't. You're young (I assume) and it's only 3 years. You have plenty of time to move on with your life. This is no way to begin a life with someone. Easier said than done, I know.
Wow... this situation sucks for everyone involved. As sourpuss said, the other woman seems to be having complications with a child nobody wants from a guy she's desperate for but who wants nothing to do with her, and is a single mom with two kids already... your husband seems to be in complete agony over something he probably regrets his every waking moment, and you've been ripped apart by infidelity and a child on the way that isn't even yours... gosh. There seems to be no way to really 'win'.
she sounds a bit unsavory, please get tested in case of disease and is there anyway you can make sure she is even pregnant? someone that sleeps with a married man, has few ethics a lie - here and there wont worry her. then she pretends to misscarriage and cries on your hubbies shoulder. i really feel for you, keep a good eye on your hubbie in future, he sounds too stupid to be out on his own!
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