elsa_niloo

I am very upset about this and just want to download. I no longer know what is wrong and what is right.
I come from a very very close family where each member would literally do anything for the others. When i got married in July my brothers and mother did everything to make sure that i would be happy and they really respected my decision. shortly after my mother had surgery which made things worst to a point that she can't walk for more than 5 minutes along with alot of other problems. With that in mind I spend alot of time making sure she is all right and do her shoppings and whatever else i can; while being very careful that it does not steal from my time of spending time and taking care of my husband.

However 3 days ago my husband asked me if we can move to a very eastern city where the temp is -28 in the winter for 2 years so his career can flourish. Knowing that i would be miles away from my sick mother and my 2 brothers who have done literally everything for my happiness i said yes so he would be happy and he would be more successful in his career.

However now that my brother is getting married abroad in 1 week he refused to let me accompany my mother on the plane or travel abroad to attend my brother's wedding.

I am so upset because i would do anything for him, including leaving my career, leaving my family and friends and moving to a remote area to help him out while he wont even buy me a ticket to let me go. He has the money and more, but he just wont let me go.
I just cant afford it myself and do not want to offend him by borrowing money from anyone else to go.

He is so selfish for not doing one little thing for me.
i am heartbroken that i cant attend my older brothers wedding whom i prayed day and night to fall in love and marry the girl of his dreams.
I am heartbroken.
I have gone through so much with this man and i dont know if i can tolerate anymore.
what do you think?

rcoreyus

I'm sorry about your situation. As I recall you live in Vancouver - its a beautiful city, I understand your not wanting to move. Moving is a really tough question - jobs, friends, city, climate - I don't know how you choose. My wife and I haven't moved (more than about 2 miles) in 25 years. I tend to think that the person who wants to stay gets priority. Can he really only advance his career by moving? Is his career really important to him, or just a way to make money?

Taking care of your sick mother is a different issue. It is very good of you to want to take care of your family. I'll just caution you to not use up too much of your life caring for someone else. Caring for the sick and / or elderly can leave you drained, make you feel trapped - hating the person you are helping. (I speak from experience)

But - what do you mean by "he refused to let you accompany your mother....". He has no right or power to refuse this - unless your financial situation is so bad that you really cannot afford the trip.

All this is in addition to the problems you have talked about before. I think my counsel is the same - you need out of this marriage. He is not right for you, and neither of you will be happy in the long run. Let him move to the frozen east, and you stay in beautiful Vancouver and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

You don't need to tolerate any more.

elsa_niloo

he wants to move so he will make more money. He asked me if we should move and i said yes because i knew thats what he wanted. I still will move if that is what makes him happy.
the point i'm trying to make is that he hardly makes any sacrifice for me.
He would not let me go because he does not want to be left with 2 pets alone for one week. we do not have money to throw around right now but he could have done this for me.
he pays for his sister's plane ticket to come here continuously and spends tons of money taking her shopping so i'm sure he could afford a ticket for me.
my mother has the money but she said i dont want to come between you two by doing this. she is a very neutral and fair person.

you know the fact that i am going to miss my brothers wedding (once in a lifetime) does hurt much less than how selfish he is. You know about his problem already, i guess not being able to satisfy me, he is constantly afraid of me cheating on him.
too bad i am too honourable to do anything like that..
as far as leaving, I think i am finally going to do it for good. just have to work out the details.

as for my mom, i love taking care of him. We may have disagreements about my career, but she is my best friend and being around her is a joy. she is very independant and most of my support is emotional. sitting there, talking and keeping her company. I really like doing it.
as you know i have a mathematics degree but i can't find a job in todays market. i can tutor people for 25-30$ per hour, tax free but he kept putting in my head that i dont want you to go to peoples houses, (requirement of the tutoring agency).
i voluenteered at an inner city school but he kept putting it down and made me quit.

He constantly sabotages my activities to have a future and makes me call to check with him if i have 10$ in my visa to pump gas.
I grew up in a well off but modest family so i know how to not to complain and love him for him but i feel like he is draining me from inside.

I dont think i hate him though, i am quite indifferent to what he does.