Thread: Need a Woman's Perspective

I'll try to keep this short. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years (we're mid-40s). We were high school sweethearts and married after I got out of college. We have 3 kids. In Jan, she said she couldn't deal with my controlling nature anymore, and wanted to separate for 6 months so I could work on my issues and she on hers. We have both been in counseling in the past as a result of growing up in dysfunctional families. I agree that I have control issues and have been in individual counseling for the last 2 months. She has also been in counseling to get over her feelings of being repressed by me for the duration of our marriage. While we had our ups and downs, we have always remained best friends.

I moved out 3 weeks ago and we stayed in pretty regular contact via phone and when I came by to pick up the kids for visits. At first, our conversations were pretty short and to the point about kid issues and bills. Last week, things seemed to thaw a little more, and the other night we had an hour-long talk about how we're dealing with the separation. It felt good for us to open up finally. There was a little playful exchange as well. At the end, she asked me if I would have time to come over on the weekend to help around the house and yard. I agreed and came over the next day. She seemed happy to see me. We walked around and talked for a while, and she said in a very loving, soft voice, "it's really nice having you here." I replied that I felt that way too, and said that as a result of my therapy (so far), I was able to see her in a different light when we had that long conversation. I viewed her as a strong independent woman, rather than someone who was just there for me. We talked about some other things, including things "we" could do with the house. She went back inside and I started working.

A few hours later, she asked me to stay for dinner, which I did. Before dinner, she told me that all afternoon she felt jittery, waiting for me to get upset over something. In the past, when I worked around the house, I always found something that frustrated me or otherwise ticked me off. I asked her if I had acted like that that day, and she said no, it was just an automatic response. I apologized, and she said no problem. She said she invited me over so we'd have a chance to visit and so I could work around the house and the family. Nothing more than that. It's only been 3 weeks and her life is too up in the air (adjusting to being a full-time worker and single mom) for her to know what she wants yet. She still doesn't know how our separation will turn out, but she wants us to be friends regardless. She misses the times we spent talking about and through things. She misses the time we spent shopping and strolling places. However, I should not take my being invited to the house as meaning that things are suddenly all better and that I can get ready to move back in. That was all she said before dinner, then afterwards, she said she had also wanted me over so my son and I might have some time together, since he is pretty upset at me over the separation.

It's weird (to me as a guy, anyway) that I got such strong loving and longing vibes that day and a little the night before, then she suddenly backed away and made sure I understood where things stand. Can someone help me understand where that's coming from? Might have said or did something that turned her off? Might she have felt herself letting her guard down and felt the need to get it firmly back in place?

I want to make this work, and before I left she said that the thing she wanted most was to fall in love with me again, and for things to work out. When she has her guard up, however, she remains non-commital in the sense that she says we'll just have to see how things shake out.

Did I mess up over the weekend? Or is this to be expected this early in a separation? What's likely running through her mind?