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Thread: my husband chooses his parents over us

  1. #1
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    Mar 2007

    Default my husband chooses his parents over us

    My husband and i have been together for 5 years. We met when i was 17. Not long after I got pregnant with our daughter. We had a bit of a hard time last year and we separated over the summer. We have been back together for 8 months now and we are hitting a rough spot again. About a month ago he got laid off. I don't know if that has anything to do with it but these problems started about that time. The problem is that none of his family likes me. They blame me for the break up when in actuality he broke up with me! I started dating someone when we were apart and they think that it is unforgivable. Its not that i care much about what they think of me but what gets to me is that they exclude me from every family event. But my husband has to be there. Every day they call and need him to come over and do something for them. I can't even be at their house because every time his sister is there she is unbelievably rude and makes any situation uncomfortable for me. For example, on christmas. My family lives about an hour away. My husband was on call for christmas eve and christmas so he could not go up there. He asked me to stay and have our own christmas together. I agreed but it was the first time i have ever spent christmas away from my family. Christmas morning comes and of corse we go to his parents house. His sister is there and we get through opening presents even though every time i look over she is giving me horrible stares. While my husband and i are messing with some toy i hear her say "Tell Ryan to get his out of this house". I grabbed my daughter and told her that she was totally immature and she made herself look like a fool in front of her daughter. I haven't talked to her since. But every time I have been at his parents house his mom pushes me out when she knows that laura is coming. Three days before we had to move out of our house his mom calls and says your sister is in labor and you need to come with me. (Out of town) And you can't bring jenny. We got in a huge fight because I said that we had things going on in our life and that if the situation was turned around his sister would be nowhere in sight. Last night he tells me that he is going to see his uncle today and that im not invited. I am at the point where if he cannot put his own family before them that I am done. Maybe i am being selfish but this is something that im not going to get over. I am the most unselfish person i know. I have been a mom and a wife since i was 17! I gave up so much and never looked back. And all i am asking is that i am his #1 priority as i make him mine every day. If his family will not accept me than he needs to make them. Or make it clear to them that he is not their on-call handy man. He has a family of his own and they are putting a very big strain on our relationship. If they want him around than they need to deal with having his wife there to. I am so confused right now. We fought about this last night a lot. And he still left this morning. Its not going to change and I want to be with someone who makes me the most important thing in their life. I don't know if i am being selfish and stuck up right now and if i just need to deal with it. We are both still so young and i don't see the point in settling when we are not exactly what the other person wants. I can't deal with being pushed to the side every time his parents call and need him to come over. Its not just the incident today but this has been happening the entire time we have been together. I love my family to, but first off I never see them because i am here with him. He never wants to go visit because its where i lived when i was single. I have no friends here and none of it seems to matter to him. When he came up there and begged me to come back I said it was under the condition that we moved back there. Its been 8 months and it still hasn't happened. Im considering just going up there myself. Im very unhappy with the town we live in. Mainly because of his family. AM i wrong for feeling this way? According to him I am just stuck up and over reacting. This is something that is big enough to either make it or break it. If he is going to let them control his life now, it will never stop and i want our lives to be about us and our family. They have no other agenda than to separte us. he doesn't see that and I really want to show him that if he doesn't make us his #1 priority than his family will be all he has.

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array withered_rose's Avatar
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    Jul 2008


    Oh my it sounds like there is so much going on with your life right now. Between your husband being laid off, splitting up for a little while and then getting back together and then with your husband taking his family over you and your daughter it seems as well. I would say try to work things out, have you talked to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel? I would also see if he would want to go to counseling. You can make it work its just a matter of making him realize just what he is doing. I am sure that he probably does know that its hurting you, but as far as fixing it he may not know how. As for the family blaming you for things, its not their place to do so. What is going on between you and your husband is none of their business as far as I would be concerned. I am surprised that you have stuck it out this long, I would have tried to work things out but if it had stayed like this I probably would have left so kudos to you. I wish you best of luck. I hope that things can work out.
    Before you criticise someone walk a mile in their shoes and then that way if they get angry they will be a mile away and barefoot

  3. #3
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array hello_pitty's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Saskatchewan, Canada


    Well I know if I was in your shoes, I would not stand for that! Theres a fine line of living with a family that dislikes you and one that is trying to break you up with your husband playing along in a way. You can choose to have nothing to do with his family and it wouldn't be too bad, but if he is always choosing his parents over you i'd walk. I can understand that he loves his family and will do anything to help them, but to me it sounds like he's either a mammas boy and can't put his foot down, or he's trying to push you away as well. Either way, you deserve better. You're NOT selfish for feeling this way (at least this is my opinion).

    Along with being there for his parents, he should be there for you and your child as well, his child being the #1 priority in his life.

    Obviously this man isn't a man, but is still a boy. JMO
    "I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive"
    "If it ain't an APBT, it's just a dog"

  4. #4
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    Mar 2007


    he is a total mommas boy! We got in a huge fight last night and this morning because i wasn't ok with him going. Not that i didn't want him to see his uncle but this is one small situation in a bunch of them that has been happening over the past few months. I told him everything last night that i put on here and still he chose to go. At this point i cant be sure about weather to leave or not. We are going through a very hard time right now. I know that he is stressed out. But it gives him no right to do this. I am stressed to! I have to deal with these people for the rest of my life. They are my daughters grandparents. They act like they like me but I know its all bull. The way they do things behind my back and all. I really think that if we moved out of this town it would be better. We simply would not be around every day for them to call him over there. I wouldn't have to deal with his stupid sister being a to me constantly. But its been 8 months since he promised me that we would. Right now we are in a positin where there is nothing holdong us here anymore. He has no job, we moved out of our house because we couldn't afford rent. We could go up there and start over. But he keeps putting it off. Like saying, oh, we need to wait on the unemployment to start coming in, which i understand. I don't want to go up there and be broke. It will be very hard to survive up there anyway. Cost of living is so high. Its right outside of Aspen. But its the most beautiful place in the world to me. Its where i grew up and its where i want to live. I just have a feeling that when it starts coming in he will find another excuse. I guess i will see what he says when he gets home tonight. If he wants to try and see where im coming from and see if he will change the way he is. The problem is that i don't want him to just change. If he wants to do this for his family than thats his right. But I don't want to be dragged around and put second to his parents. Im still young enough to find the right kind of relationship. And so is he. Maybe he would find someone who doesn't care about it! It just makes me mad to think that I did find someone who treated me the way I wanted back when we were split up. I broke his heart when i came back here. I know that there is no chance for me and him now. He is moved on and happy. And I am happy for him. But he did teach me that its out there. Just because i settled down early and had a kid doesn't mean that i don't have the choice of what i want in a relationship. It sucks. Im not even ****ed at my husband. I just want him to say what it is that he wants and if its not me than it will almost be a releif because i won't have to sit here and wonder anymore. It will suck getting over him, but i did it last summer. I can do it again. And maybe we will both end up happy and come out of it still able to be friends. I would hate having to go through court and for our daughter. I just want to be happy and for him to be happy. Right now i don't think either of us are. Sorry this is so long. I just have so much built up inside because i can never talk to him. Every time i try, he gets all ****ed off. Starts telling me that im just whining and all i care about is myself and that i need to think about other people. When it comes down to what I can settle for he is right. I have to think about myself if i want to be in the right kind of relationship. Nobody should settle for what they're told they need to settle for. Thanks for your replys. It really helps to hear other opinions in times like these. When someone tells you your crazy all the time you start to believe it!

  5. #5
    Veteran Member (800+ posts & member 1 year+) Array sallyskellington's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    long island NY


    if it was me, I would take your daughter and go stay at your mothers. Choose yourself and your daughter over him. Do not put up with that type of treatment. To be honest don't even tell him you are going just go. Call him once you get there. And tell him I understand you love your parents and family but your daughter and I are family to... He needs to seriously get his priorities in check

  6. #6
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array
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    and the day after you leave, apply for your owed child support. a child shouldn't do with any less or without due to a man-child

  7. #7
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    Mar 2008
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    I think because you started dating persay, at 17 and then got pregnant and chose the responsible road of trying your relationships, that people should have given you a go as well, instead of expecting the worse, of maybe the parents feeling like you trapped him... Seems to me the resentment there is long standing.

    I imagine that they can not come to terms with the fact that you separated and then went on with your life, instead of in their opinion, waiting and trying to work it out instead, it's their son, brother, in their eyes, you cheated even though you didn't.

    He seems to be content with keeping you in his life, maybe for his daughter, maybe for your strength as a person.... But, he has people singing in his ears on-going as well.

    I also would be stating to you that you are not in love with your husband from the way that you write, it's more of the fact you want happiness and for him to be as well...

    You dont' believe you can find it with him or else you would have but you care enough to want both parties to be happy without the drama of courts with your daughter.

    I think when people make promises they MUST go with that promise or else it's a broken promise and trust is an issue.

    Honesty is important not used in order to get what you want, then throw it away after.

    It is also very difficult for you I imagine, being away from your own family and friends and life that you knew and that you don't have support there.

    You have internet obviously, do you keep in touch with them alot? Have you expressed all of this to your family and if so, what have they said? Do you keep in touch via the internet, with your friends?

    You need to ask yourself one question.....

    "If I never saw my husband again, could I live with that?"... If the answer is yes, then go back home and work on yourself because you didnt' get a chance to really fall in love with this guy before you got pregnant and it's not easy to do so after with children, non sleep, less sex, etc, etc....

    But, if you answer no I couldn't I do love him, deeply it's family, then tell him how you really feel, maybe he feels that you aren't going to be there forever and that his family is right and so, won't make any changes you want through fear of it not lasting anyway.


  8. #8
    Junior Member Array
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    Feb 2009
    New York, NY

    Default you are NOT selfish

    I understand your husband is going through stress with being laid off but there is no excuse for him to leave the way does and ignore your issues. If he loved you and cared enough about your feelings, he wont act that way. I agree that you and your daughter should be his priority. I know how you feel, the uneasiness around his family. I have been there and did not stand for it.

    Talk to him more about it, and it is always difficult to leave someone we love, and if it is within your means, you should do it, but first talk to him more. In any case, at some point if he doesnt get it, you should move on and undoubtedly you will meet someone who will give you the love and respect that you deserve,

  9. #9
    kms is offline
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array kms's Avatar
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    Jan 2009


    He made a promise that you guys would move back and you haven't. He keeps coming up with excuses, but the point is, it's a broken promise. So I think you should go back to your home with your daughter and tell him if he wants you back he'll have to get his ******* in gear by getting a job, start making money and getting an apartment/home for you to live in. THEN you'll come back. No more promises. Only actual actions this time. There's absolutely no point in you staying somewhere that you're not wanted. His family treats you like they're all uneducated children, you have no friends there, and he only snaps at you, insults you, blames everything on you, while failing to pull through with any of his promises and being the most selfish one of all. He gets to be around his family, he gets to be in his town with all of his friends, he gets to have his daughter around and gets to 'enjoy' his wife without any obligations attached. Who is the selfish one, exactly?

    Just go back home. Take care of yourself, and especially your daughter. I imagine that this environment must be horrible for her. She deserves to be in a loving environment, around people who care about each other, respect each other, and above all, treat her mother the way she deserves to be treated.

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