Is divorce worth it?

**elsa_niloo** · 03-28-2009 02:03 AM

I am stuck in the middle of a very emotional divorce and am really wondering is divorce really better than tolerating it?

how am i to survive without him? will I miss him? will i ever find someone better or would it get worst as i feel wounded when it comes to relationships?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-28-2009 02:58 AM

You know Elsa, it is always difficult having closure and you always ask the questions what if?

Have you been seperated from him for long? If so, how have you felt?

Don't worry about what is around the corner, because there is always a corner to turn, always.

You have to be 100% sure that there is nothing to save here.

You know you can't change someone....

You know all the bad things that happened, but when going through emotions like this sometimes all you can see are the good.

Were there really lots, and lots of good?

CW

**Iseulda** · 03-28-2009 05:00 AM

Hi elsa,

Each of us can only really speak for ourselves so only you can decide is it worth it for you.

I'm divorcing at the moment too and am getting very little reasonable co-operation from the former Mr. Iseulda but, however much hassle he puts me through in this process, I know it is worth it. Whatever my life without him brings it will be better than tolerating his bad behaviour.

CW's questions are pertinent. It really is no good to try to patch things up if the only reason you are doing so is because you're sacred of what life might throw at you next. You obviously feel there is something about your husband you would have to 'tolerate' if you guys tried to make it work. I think that the word 'tolerate' should not really come into relationships at all - 'compromise' is OK, we all compromise in all our relationships with other human beings, to some degree or other. But to have to tolerate something in a marriage / long-term-relationship is going to cause problems. It clearly has in your case already, if you are divorcing.

I'll add a few more questions to CW's:

How do you picture your life if you stay with your husband?
How does the behaviour you know you will have to tolerate with him make you feel?

Often the fear of the unknown seems more intense than the fear of the known ('better the devil you know' anyone?) but try to think about the other way around. You know with him that you will be at least somewhat unhappy (that what I'm seeing, anyway) but on your own, or looking for another relationship, you have at the potential to be completely happy. Isn't that worth trying for?

I don't want to sound like I'm encouraging you to divorce - perhaps you can be truly happy with your husband but not with the attitude that you have to tolerate anything. If you decide to work on things with your husband it should be with the view of fixing your problems, not putting up with them.

In summary - yes, divorce is worth it if your problems are insurmountable. Only you can say if your problems are insurmountable... oh, and your husband has to be really willing to work with you on fixing those problems, you can't do it it all by yourself.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-28-2009 05:17 AM

That was very profound, in my thoughts after reading Iseudla, it's refreshing to see a person going through a simular problem, but NOT being biast?

Sounds very grounded to me and refreshing.

I re-read previous threads of the OP... I can see a few things:-

1) A young marriage where you are both trying to fit, but never knew before you married, virgin and your sex drive and his doesn't match.

2) An agressive man whom has thrown things at you, cut you, accidently.

3) A man that cries.....

A man that has issues, low - self esteme, buys you flowers, correct the issues, for a week and then goes, back, a man whom can't doesn't know how, to communicate a man whom is lost... a man whom does love, but can't show it, doesn't believe in it but wonders what those feelings are? And, a man whom needs a lot of councelling to sort out what life is about and what love is about, the actual feeling.

It's fair to want that feeling, after all your married, and to expect however, you did not know the person enough or : - you did not adhere, acknowledge, see, feel the feeling before hand, "something is not right" and so however, for your reasons you married.

If it was sex only? Ok, an issue, fair... He has a temper, he is controlling and he is no understanding to your needs, in - fact, he is the exact opposite to you, and yes, they attract but not if, all you believe, all you feel, what is in your soul, your heart, can not be? Then you are not you....

So will you miss him?

Or

Find you?

CW

**elsa_niloo** · 03-28-2009 08:54 AM

thank you for your replies
in the past month I have left a few times and had to come back to his cries (sobbing and promising of a good future)
my brother just got married abroad and my sick mother needed to be accompanied to go there but he would not let me or give me the money to go, after he promised that he would.

He has not had a serious outburst lately but you never know. It is however funny that after almost 2 years of marriage he does not discuss or show me the finances and i have no idea what he even does with money. he gave me a credit card with always less than $100 in it and i have to call him to top it up if i do grocery shopping.
he does not let me tutor or have a part time job and keeps telling me to go for a high end job, knowing that i have hardly any work experience fresh out of university.

Last month he asked me to move all the way across Canada so he could work there where it is -39 degrees in the winter and i will have no friends or family there.

all this my friends, i can tolerate or compromise. Sometimes the destruction of the partner is visible and physical, but there is nothing worst than emotional abuse and how it deteriorates you from inside. But the cherry on top of this sunday is that he is absolutely not interested in sex and is getting worst. And still after months of fighting, counseling, separation and etc, he is still in denial. I said to him yesterday, "Why did you drag me into your life if you know you had sexually disability? , he says, there is nothing wrong with me."

I hope to god that no man or woman should ever know how hard it is to be sexually rejected by you spouse and watch him/her find every excuse to fall sleep in order to avoid having sex with his/her partner.

I guess the reason why I have been so afraid till now is because i was afraid. Afraid of What ifs? I guess I still am? I don't know what will happen to me. we sure have had some fun times together so i think that in the moment of loneliness i will really miss those times and start to regret leaving; while perfectly knowing it was for the best.

I am scared knowing that when i leave for good this time he will still come after me and cry and just hope that i would have the strength to stand up for myself for once and all.

Also i am afraid that I may never be able to connect or form a relationship with another person, since I have been wounded so bad.

I have already contacted my lawyer and am seriously going through with this; sadly i am still so full of fears and doubts. I just wish someone could tell me that i am doing the right thing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-28-2009 03:23 PM

We can't because as I said, you have to know in your heart 100%.

You already know he's emotionally abusive, and controlling and you've discussed this had councelling.

This is the hardest part in my books, because things that aren't in tune sometimes you can work with, work on.. but controlling your finances, your job, whether you fly with your sick mother, your brother's wedding, your friends, where you live, your life, well no one has the right to do that, you are your own person and for that, you will grateful to be able to go back to being "you".

You laugh with him and so you will miss that? You laugh with friends and you will again.

He gets you back by crying and so you feel guilty, is this also not emotional - abuse?

He may not be a real bad person, just the way he was bought up, or his beliefs, or both but he's not for you, because you mentioned these things 4 months ago and your still un-happy.

It's hard to get into a relationship and then marry and then hope it all works for the best, but it's not always the case.

Next relationship, take time out and get to know the guy, you two being together and now, sexually as well so you know what type of partner you have.

Best wishes sweet.

CW

**happy ending** · 03-29-2009 01:21 AM

good luck, i left my alcholic abusive husband and the next day met the love of my life. he was living next door to my new house. i mean we didnt get together immediately it was about 8 month down the track, but how weird was that?? ok, i am just trying to say, you dont know what great things are waiting for you out there. no matter what your husband says - if you go back he will keep seeing you as a gullible chump. stay strong and focused. you will not regret. you are completely and utterly doing the right thing.

**2morrow** · 03-29-2009 07:27 PM

Divorce is a major life crisis. You sound like you are going through the doubts, fears and uncertainty of what tomorrow brings. All very rational and normal concerns. I have been told to Mend it not end it, regarding my own marriage. That unless there are the " 3 -A's involved " which are 1) Adultery, 2) Abuse or 3) Addiction that every other reason is solvable and can be mended thru counselling. This and the fact that the stats for 2nd and 3rd marriages being successful are very poor. If children are involved, it is certainly more difficult to split and every effort should be made to salvage the union. Only you know in your heart what you should do. Its very difficult, the future could hold wonderful things for you solo, but only you can decide that. Good luck and best wishes.

**happy ending** · 03-29-2009 09:15 PM

i saw some "congratulation on your divorce cards" at a newsagency one. one had a joke in it "why is divorce so expensive" the answer was "because its worth it" - i sort of adopted it as my divorce motto!!

**rcoreyus** · 03-30-2009 12:19 AM

Elsa, you are young, there is plenty of time to find someone who is right for you. Stay in this marriage and at best you will have a life that is tolerable with someone who is not a good match for you. You will always wonder what might have been. You will meet nice men - and need to reject any hint of an advance because you are married. You will be angry with your husband, and with yourself.

I am absolutely convinced that there is a better life for you out there.

Also, there is nothing worse in life than looking back at the decision you were too afraid to make. "its not the things we have done that we regret, but the things we didn't do".

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