Fed up with my man today

**torn2pieces** · 03-30-2009, 10:59 AM

Anytime I come to him with a real conversation about real stuff, its like he turns off. It can be as simple as this...we had one car (at one time) so mornings were hectic, it's impossible to get him to simply discuss (the night before) exactly how we are going to handle the morning i.e. Am I dropping you off at work, are you dropping me off at work, do I take our son to babysitter and come back...each morning varies and I just have to wake up and have no freaking idea what my morning schedule is. Or I wanted to talk to him about me changing jobs (its real bad at my job and he knows), well I wanted to discuss taking a pay loss, but I will have good health insurance (unlike my current job) for the kids and gas will be less. With any big decision like that it takes brainstorming, it would mean our daughter changing schools (for the worse). I could really use his input to help me weigh the options, his opinion matters to me, but when I mentioned a job change to him he says "ya, I know you want to quit, you have for a long time". It pisses me off cause it don't stop there, it's not that simple, I will not quit without a new job lined up and this is a major decision especially because it will mean a different school for our daughter and other changes. Since Thursday I have been wanting to discuss our money, basically I get paid on Tues. and he gets paid on Fri., we owe big on the gas bill, my first thing when I get paid on Tues. is to pay that gas bill but then I won't have enough to cover rent, my thoughts are should I just pay other bills with the remainder of my check and his check pay rent, or should I put half rent money back and get the other half from his check. But God forbid I come to him with this "complicated" issue, it's like it is too much for him to have to SIT on his and just think and brainstorm with me. It's driving me crazy. He works a lot and hard, I wouldn't mind taking all these issues on myself but he is not going to just go with my plans, so since I don't have total control over the money, I need his input.

This morning I am thinking about this money issue, knowing that talking to him is a lost cause and he notices I am upset and he ask why. I tell him I have the money situation on my mind and I feel I can never talk to him, he just turns off. Of course he says NOTHING, just Nothing. I am so so so pissed and tired of getting nothing from him, I don't get a sorry, or even a defense on his behalf, I feel like he don't care. Then I leave the house, send him a long text about it would be nice if my man cared about my concerns and when I bring them I get the silent treatment, his reply is we will talk when I get home. He won't get home until late and he'll be really tired (I always try to respect this). I don't know if his approach on this is "let me talk to her to make her happy" or does he sincerly give a care. I am used to the attitude of "I'll do it to make her happy" and that isn't good enough.

I want to scream.

**rcoreyus** · 03-30-2009, 12:29 PM

Different people have different ways of thinking about problems. Some like to analyze in detail -look at all possible future outcomes and try to find a way through the maze. Others like to plan just as far as they can with what they already know, then plan again when there is new information.

Will he let you make decisions if he isn't interested in joining the planning?

**WildChild** · 03-30-2009, 12:54 PM

Don't dump on him. Don't make him wrong. Tell him you need some time for the two of your to talk, when would be good for him? Tell him how long you expect it to take and give him a couple alternatives. For example, "I need for us to discuss our budget, I think it should take about 30 mins. Tuesday evening or Weds night would be good for me, when would be good for you?

Do your prep work. Make a list of what you want to cover. There are some excellent home budget books and software, why not invest in which ever you think would best meet your needs and you would actually use? Have all your bills, maybe a calandar with dues dates noted (these tend to vary by only a day or two, month to month). This way the two of you can see clearly what your needs are and go thorugh it. You should set up a budget so that this isn't a reoccuring situation. Agree that one of you will take responsibity for it, that money will be deposited from both your pay and that you will review it together 3 or 4 times a year.

Regarding your work, again, list the pros and cons. Why would your child need to change schools? What saving would there be in the new job - benefits are certainly a big consideration. It sounds like he wants you to do what will make you happiest. Maybe take it from that stand point. "I want to take this new job, I think I'll be happier and have a better future with this company but here's what will have to change when I do." Enlist his help with how the change will be made. He might be one of those men who just needs you to lovingly tell him what you need from him rather than asking for his opinion?

**WildChild** · 03-30-2009, 12:56 PM

Another question is why does your morning schedule vary so much? Can you get a big calandar and track the factors that affect it such as a varying work schedules? Then again instead of turning it into a big discussion, tell him what you need.

**torn2pieces** · 03-30-2009, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WildChild

Another question is why does your morning schedule vary so much? Can you get a big calandar and track the factors that affect it such as a varying work schedules? Then again instead of turning it into a big discussion, tell him what you need.

It used to because we had one vehicle sometimes he would take me to work and take the vehicle and sometimes he would have me drop him off at work and I take the vehicle.

jstew86 · 06-11-2009, 07:50 AM

Okay this is what I would do. Instead of asking him what he thinks etc... just do it and then tell him you did it. If it is for the better than he will be happy. Some men cannot take extra drama in his life. Like my man... I tell him I'm thinking about such and such and then I do it. That way - he knew I was thinking about it and then I did it. Instead of driving him absolutely crazy discussing it, analyzing it, talking about it... etc etc. I am just like that too! I overthink everything and in the end all he wants is for me to Be Happy and he trusts that I'm doing what is best for our family. As far as the morning thing goes. Tell him at night, I'm taking the car and dropping you off and I'll pick you up etc. JUST TELL HIM - He doesn't want to think about it because then it becomes a huge chore when it could be something small. As far as bills are concerned. You pay what you need to pay and then you tell him you need $____ for gas, rent, etc. He will either give it to you w/o saying anything - or he will say WHY... and then you can TALK to him about it. Other than that... some men just aren't into talking about stuff that we overthink, overanalyze, and rethink! And we DO do that. Hope this helps. Don't get him a ton of options, just tell him whats going on and I bet he'll get more involved!

**HALFNOTHING** · 06-13-2009, 01:29 AM

Waaaaaaaa.. I don't see the word "marriage" in your relationship.. it's not only for paying bills and having children.. You should have a bonding and a lots of talks to understand each other..

in other side, if your man doesn't want to settle up things. well, you have to move.. do things as you would like to do. he will let you know if he's not happy in what have you done.. focus on things you want to be and do.. stop paying the bills in your own.. as far im concern, man is the one who has the responsibility to pay the bills of the family.. man is the head of the family so he must the one who plan what will happen tomorrow not you.. he will realize his wrong doing if he will see it in you.. sometimes, we don't know what we're doing until we see it to other people doing it on us exactly what we are doing..

maybe after realizing, you can leave things clear to him that you're exist and your family exist. he's not alone in your house.. tell him that you're house must be home.. he will realize what's his position in your family..

**HALFNOTHING** · 06-13-2009, 01:33 AM

forgot something that i notice:

you're living like you are not part of the family..just like a friend, helping each other to feeds up the kids.. seems like you don't have a plan in your family

couple should plan together to reach their goals for the family.. you won't succeed without being unite.. helping hand in hand.. support each other..

03-30-2009, 10:59 AM	#1
torn2pieces VIP Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Kansas City, MO Posts: 62	Fed up with my man today Anytime I come to him with a real conversation about real stuff, its like he turns off. It can be as simple as this...we had one car (at one time) so mornings were hectic, it's impossible to get him to simply discuss (the night before) exactly how we are going to handle the morning i.e. Am I dropping you off at work, are you dropping me off at work, do I take our son to babysitter and come back...each morning varies and I just have to wake up and have no freaking idea what my morning schedule is. Or I wanted to talk to him about me changing jobs (its real bad at my job and he knows), well I wanted to discuss taking a pay loss, but I will have good health insurance (unlike my current job) for the kids and gas will be less. With any big decision like that it takes brainstorming, it would mean our daughter changing schools (for the worse). I could really use his input to help me weigh the options, his opinion matters to me, but when I mentioned a job change to him he says "ya, I know you want to quit, you have for a long time". It pisses me off cause it don't stop there, it's not that simple, I will not quit without a new job lined up and this is a major decision especially because it will mean a different school for our daughter and other changes. Since Thursday I have been wanting to discuss our money, basically I get paid on Tues. and he gets paid on Fri., we owe big on the gas bill, my first thing when I get paid on Tues. is to pay that gas bill but then I won't have enough to cover rent, my thoughts are should I just pay other bills with the remainder of my check and his check pay rent, or should I put half rent money back and get the other half from his check. But God forbid I come to him with this "complicated" issue, it's like it is too much for him to have to SIT on his and just think and brainstorm with me. It's driving me crazy. He works a lot and hard, I wouldn't mind taking all these issues on myself but he is not going to just go with my plans, so since I don't have total control over the money, I need his input. This morning I am thinking about this money issue, knowing that talking to him is a lost cause and he notices I am upset and he ask why. I tell him I have the money situation on my mind and I feel I can never talk to him, he just turns off. Of course he says NOTHING, just Nothing. I am so so so pissed and tired of getting nothing from him, I don't get a sorry, or even a defense on his behalf, I feel like he don't care. Then I leave the house, send him a long text about it would be nice if my man cared about my concerns and when I bring them I get the silent treatment, his reply is we will talk when I get home. He won't get home until late and he'll be really tired (I always try to respect this). I don't know if his approach on this is "let me talk to her to make her happy" or does he sincerly give a care. I am used to the attitude of "I'll do it to make her happy" and that isn't good enough. I want to scream.

06-13-2009, 01:29 AM	#7
HALFNOTHING Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 160	Waaaaaaaa.. I don't see the word "marriage" in your relationship.. it's not only for paying bills and having children.. You should have a bonding and a lots of talks to understand each other.. in other side, if your man doesn't want to settle up things. well, you have to move.. do things as you would like to do. he will let you know if he's not happy in what have you done.. focus on things you want to be and do.. stop paying the bills in your own.. as far im concern, man is the one who has the responsibility to pay the bills of the family.. man is the head of the family so he must the one who plan what will happen tomorrow not you.. he will realize his wrong doing if he will see it in you.. sometimes, we don't know what we're doing until we see it to other people doing it on us exactly what we are doing.. maybe after realizing, you can leave things clear to him that you're exist and your family exist. he's not alone in your house.. tell him that you're house must be home.. he will realize what's his position in your family.. __________________ Can't help it but to love

06-13-2009, 01:33 AM	#8
HALFNOTHING Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 160	forgot something that i notice: you're living like you are not part of the family..just like a friend, helping each other to feeds up the kids.. seems like you don't have a plan in your family couple should plan together to reach their goals for the family.. you won't succeed without being unite.. helping hand in hand.. support each other.. __________________ Can't help it but to love

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03-30-2009, 12:29 PM	#2
rcoreyus March 2008 "Poster of the Month" Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: SF bay area Posts: 1,333	Different people have different ways of thinking about problems. Some like to analyze in detail -look at all possible future outcomes and try to find a way through the maze. Others like to plan just as far as they can with what they already know, then plan again when there is new information. Will he let you make decisions if he isn't interested in joining the planning?

03-30-2009, 12:54 PM	#3
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Don't dump on him. Don't make him wrong. Tell him you need some time for the two of your to talk, when would be good for him? Tell him how long you expect it to take and give him a couple alternatives. For example, "I need for us to discuss our budget, I think it should take about 30 mins. Tuesday evening or Weds night would be good for me, when would be good for you? Do your prep work. Make a list of what you want to cover. There are some excellent home budget books and software, why not invest in which ever you think would best meet your needs and you would actually use? Have all your bills, maybe a calandar with dues dates noted (these tend to vary by only a day or two, month to month). This way the two of you can see clearly what your needs are and go thorugh it. You should set up a budget so that this isn't a reoccuring situation. Agree that one of you will take responsibity for it, that money will be deposited from both your pay and that you will review it together 3 or 4 times a year. Regarding your work, again, list the pros and cons. Why would your child need to change schools? What saving would there be in the new job - benefits are certainly a big consideration. It sounds like he wants you to do what will make you happiest. Maybe take it from that stand point. "I want to take this new job, I think I'll be happier and have a better future with this company but here's what will have to change when I do." Enlist his help with how the change will be made. He might be one of those men who just needs you to lovingly tell him what you need from him rather than asking for his opinion?

03-30-2009, 12:56 PM	#4
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	Another question is why does your morning schedule vary so much? Can you get a big calandar and track the factors that affect it such as a varying work schedules? Then again instead of turning it into a big discussion, tell him what you need.

06-11-2009, 07:50 AM	#6
jstew86 Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 9	Okay this is what I would do. Instead of asking him what he thinks etc... just do it and then tell him you did it. If it is for the better than he will be happy. Some men cannot take extra drama in his life. Like my man... I tell him I'm thinking about such and such and then I do it. That way - he knew I was thinking about it and then I did it. Instead of driving him absolutely crazy discussing it, analyzing it, talking about it... etc etc. I am just like that too! I overthink everything and in the end all he wants is for me to Be Happy and he trusts that I'm doing what is best for our family. As far as the morning thing goes. Tell him at night, I'm taking the car and dropping you off and I'll pick you up etc. JUST TELL HIM - He doesn't want to think about it because then it becomes a huge chore when it could be something small. As far as bills are concerned. You pay what you need to pay and then you tell him you need $____ for gas, rent, etc. He will either give it to you w/o saying anything - or he will say WHY... and then you can TALK to him about it. Other than that... some men just aren't into talking about stuff that we overthink, overanalyze, and rethink! And we DO do that. Hope this helps. Don't get him a ton of options, just tell him whats going on and I bet he'll get more involved!