Suffocating...

**lunagoddess** · 04-04-2009 07:52 PM

Ok, I'm just going to write I'm fairly certain I have made my decision but maybe having something out there will be a big help?

I got married when I was 21 (husband was 30) and I had our son at 23. I never wanted children I'm just not very maternal but husband did and so I felt it was my duty. Now don't get me wrong my son is my absolute world and probably the reason I have stayed so long in this marriage.
Over the years absolutely everything has gone wrong from dramas with his family to having to declare bankruptcy (something which will affect me for the rest of my life which annoys me because I used to be so smart with money). I suffer from OCD and spent alot of time at home, on medication and fat. My husband knows how to trigger OCD episodes and has been known to do it, I'm convinced he likes it when I'm sick!
I had always tried to lose weight but my husband was a fan of sabotage and all those weightloss companies tell you that you need your partners support. I would lose a kilo and he would congratulate me with a big block of chocolate or pizza... In September last year I realised I need to just do it myself, for myself and I have... It's been so hard but I have lost 35kg and I'm so very proud of myself. He clearly doesn't like the weightloss and has tried his hardest to stop it but this time I'm determined.
Others are starting to notice there are problems in the marriage but husband lives in a arre bubble where he insists all is well. We have sex maybe twice a year and I always knew his sex drive was low I just thought that because I was young and had a high one I could change him.

I am 29 now and have spent the last six years making excuses to stay and I think I'm running out. Recently I went away (my first holiday without husband or child) and I had an absolute blast. My heart ached for my little boy but I didn't miss my husband at all (I had thought that whilst away I would remember how much I loved him and miss him terribly).

So now I know for my own health and the health of my son (who has twice in the past six months asked if it can just be mumma and him living at home and daddy move out) I have to seperate... I just don't know how? I am terrified that things will turn nasty... I am terrified of his family and their reaction... I am a little worried about suddenly having independence (altho I am also a little bit excited)... I am worried that seperation will poison my son... I think I'm also afraid of being alone.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-04-2009 08:21 PM

I think that your sub-conscious made you lose that weight, you weren't happy, you weren't getting support and no matter what, you weren't going to let someone "make you stay fat" a bit even maybe of rebeliousness.

Has he wanted you to remain fat because he prefers you that way, or because your insecurity level would be low, based on the sex twice a year, i would say, the later.

Sex twice a year is not "low libido" it's down right non attentive.

Your only alone if you chose to be, you have friends, family and you can't worry about what his family will say because you have one life to lead and one only and you must be happy.

Why is a 6 year old commenting like that? Is his "Daddy" non attentive to him too?

You say you went bankrupt, it happens, it's life, if you were good before with money so you will be again.

What are your options with moving? What did you bring into this marriage that you can take with you, there are lots to consider but the main thing to consider is happiness, if you are not happy and haven't been happy then you must be.

I left without knowing what i was going to do, and it worked out perfect and i couldn't be any happier than i am, truly, even through the struggles and financial struggles that i endured doing so.

Things may turn nasty, and so you need as much support as you can get..

Where are your family? In Australia? NSW?

CW

**lunagoddess** · 04-05-2009 06:46 PM

How did u finally make that cut? I know what I have to do it's just doing it that terrifies me.

I do have amazing friends who have gathered around me, amazingly they knew that something would happen soon. Over the years they were concerned by the massive change in me and they are all excited that slowly the real me is coming back.
My Ma lives very close and I think she too is relieved the only thing is she thinks I should wait till after my birthday in June... If I do that then I should wait till after my son's birthday in July or Father's Day or his birthday or even Xmas... It has to be now, sometime really soon.

He doesn't have much patience with our son, he expects him to be able to do things and know things that really a six year old can't do/know. I have to constantly remind him that a 6 yr old hasn't completely developed fine motor skills. Anyway I'm just babbling now, I'm so glad to have found this forum where I have the opportunity to spill what I need to.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-05-2009 07:11 PM

I think when I realised that I was a figure, a "possession", not real, as he didn't know what real was as far as relationships go.

I believe that once I actually worked out what I was, and who I was, I realised what he was and no way was anyone going to cut me down, or bring me down to their level to keep me.

I recall asking, "what do you like about me?" when the answer was, "your attractive and intelligent", I saw possession, of a person and possession of I will always work, make an income.

Pftttt..

I think that you actually see in front of you and when you do, you know that you can do it, you can leave, and so you do, with absolutely no baggage, no love left, no love lost.

**lunagoddess** · 04-10-2009 03:32 PM

Well it's been a big week! It's all over and done with and even tho it was my decision I have been having moments of terrible grief and hurt for breaking up my son's household.
For now he's in the spare bedroom until he can raise the funds to move out completely and it seems to working well. Amazingly I have been sleeping well... I am an insomniac from way back, for years I was living on hours of sleep sometimes not even going to bed at all but over the past week sleep has been good, solid and at least eight hours.
It's all quite strange and I feel somewhat lost, I often wonder "now what should I do?" I guess it's all probably normal but for me I've never had autonomy so I don't really know what to do with it.

**countrygirl49** · 04-13-2009 02:23 PM

You are so strong to have finally made the decision to break that relationship off! I wish I was that strong! Keep your head up, enjoy your new life, the excitement you can enjoy, the new things, and happiness!

**WildChild** · 04-14-2009 06:13 AM

Often just making a decision can bring huge changes for us. It will get better and easier and there will be challenges too. Stay focused on where you are going, leave the past to what you have learned and don't dwell there.

**Joy** · 04-17-2009 04:57 AM

I think you will see great things come into your life if you are no longer invovled with someone trying to throw you off balance.

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