The time has come to make a decision

**Joy** · 04-17-2009 04:54 AM

well sounds like you are in a good place mentally... You sound almost disappointed by the way you guys handled your problems when the heavy stuff what thrown at ya in life.

**mcfly** · 04-17-2009 02:29 PM

Joy...another Canuck :-)

Yes, I am very disappointed. We went about handling the initial problems very badly. They escalated into horrific fights. I was disappointed that he saw how hurt and scared I was but did nothing to help it, just to further it. I was disappointed in myself for how insane I went. I was disappointed that both of us put our children aside and didn't see what we were doing to them.

I'm disappointed by what is going on now. Disappointed in him for not giving all his effort to this, or for not being at that place where he wants to yet (he had a nervous breakdown and is scared of getting back into the emotions that he had for me only top have me hurt him....same for me, but I am willing to give it my full all to see if it can work). I'm disappointed in me for needing him so much. I'm disappointed that me, my kids and him aren't going to have the life we always talked about having.

**Joy** · 04-20-2009 02:37 AM

There is always room to heal..... and maybe in time you both will. Kids are resiliant they bounce back quick... Nobody's life is perfect so show your kids how to stand back up and rebuild your lives.... That is the best example you can show them. Showing your kids how to deal with disappointment is a huge life lesson to learn.

Life gives ya lemons make lemonaid

Yes... good old Canada!! Spring is finally here and i'm lovin it!

**mcfly** · 04-20-2009 03:38 PM

Well, with each argument something is learned. Now if we could learn to discuss the issue at hand rather than fight about how we fight, things could be smoother.

Neither of us fight well...i scream and shout about how he shuts down and gets all defensive, I take that aw guilt but he is doing it out of self preservation. We are both hot heads.

We fought yesterday....I walked out. When I came back, I went about my way as if it were over, as he called it. he was getting ready to go to work. He came into the kitchen and hugged me, kissed me, said he understood what I had been trying to get at. Said that it wasn't over. He even gave me a compliment which he hadn't done in a long time. We texted a bit, but awkwardly. He woke me up to kiss me goodnight when he got home. He hugged and kissed me this morning. For someone that said it wasn't worth the grief, he sure is acting like there is something he wants to keep at.

This is the third blow-out since we started this again..and the third time we haven't ended it for good. I'm trying now to learn how to stop analysing everything to no end and to stop worrying about what may happen in the future until there are real signs that something good or bad starts showing itself. Learn to live in the now. Either cut bait and end it, or be willing to take the chance and believe what he says. When we are going well (until i melt down) it's good, I have to give it time to develop if it is what I want. Give us time to develop. It didn't take us this long when we first got together...but we didn't have so much baggage then.

However, I do have the confidence that if it doesn't work out I can survive and so will my kids.

**WildChild** · 04-20-2009 04:18 PM

Only you can decide if this is worth working on and saving. Just be careful and keep yourself and the kids protected. If you decide to give it/him another try, sit down and make a plan. Set some standards, expectations, establish what are your deal breakers? If you decide to stick around, let him know that the deal breakers Will end it.

You've been giving him plenty of opportunity to decide what he wants and to explore. What about what you want? What about his committment to your relationship and your family? He needs to start acting like an adult instead of a a confused teen. A lot of our happiness depends on our deciding to be happy right where we are. Of course that assumes where we are isn't such a bad place to be. Do get some counseling for some better conflict resolution skills - a few sessions may do it. It can really help to have a disinterested third party helping you both learn, they see what each of you is doing from a different view point.

**commonsense** · 04-30-2009 08:48 PM

So I got enough closure and answers to be able to make my decision. It may be the worst one I ever make and I will miss him forever, but if that is the decision that is left, he is already gone and will never come back. It will bw time to start a new journey for the kids and myself.[/quote]

You sound like you two are young. Under 30. Also, I think he thought marriage was going to be more fun, but now after seeing all the responsibilities and demands he wants out. This is a common situation.

You said you have fought for 2 years, but I couldn't tell the total time you have been married.

**mcfly** · 05-02-2009 09:42 PM

I'm 36, he is 31. We met through a friend I had made online but never met. He was that guy's best friend. We talked on the phone for hooouuurrrss every night for 6 months, spend a week together and he moved to my city 6 months after that. We have lived together for 10 years (yesterday was the anniversary, which oddly we spent together on a date).

Yea, I think that as we went about our life neither of us realized that we forgot about fun. He had a hard time turning 30...the year he met a new group of guy friends that were all younger and didn't have any responsibility other than getting the newest Xbox game.

That birthday was also during a very difficult time for him...his father was dying. I had been diagnosed with a chronic illness, had one kid already and another surprise one on the way. I can understand some of the reasons behind some of his behaviour, but can't quite forgive and forget.

It makes it harder to understand anything since some of the behaviour is still going on. He does seem to be trying in some areas, but the cutting out from responsibility is the biggest area where it is still lacking. I think this is where i feel most taken advantage of....leaving me to deal with all the life stuff while he is off doing whatever he is doing to have fun. Someone has to take care of all the things that need to be taken care of.

If he wants out then get out. But I think he wants to be taken care of but only in the ways he wants to be. And, doesn't want to care about anything but what he wants to care about. I'm pretty much done...just have to start looking at how to get out of this with as little financial damage was possible.

At least I'll be able to start this knowing I didn't just quit when it got tough, I satisfied my need to know that an effort was made. A least for the kids, i hope he can find a balance between himself and being a part-time dad. They are the ones that will be hurt the most by this. The baby (1 yr old) won't know what it's like to have a dad around him full time... then again, if this is the dad he has, I don't think I want that around my son as an example of what kind of man he can grow up to be.

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