Thread: The time has come to make a decision

Maybe closure is what I am afraid of getting.

I'd have to second the thought of getting counseling - it's not too late and it doesn't matter if he won't come - you can still benefit from it. You said yourself that you need help making the decision to leave or stay, and if you're still with him for the kids or for something more - a therapist can help you figure all that out, weigh the consequences of each choice, and help you be prepared for whichever you choose. Plus as you've said, two years of out of control anger on both sides indicates the need to work on coping skills and healthy communication skills, so you could certainly benefit from that. Plus, whatever you gain from the sessions you can bring back home with you and hopefully effect change in your husband that way.

As a word of caution - you'll never know the full story, you'll never have all your questions answered. He's running away from his problems and has a history of doing so, so why would things drastically change now? Certainly the things you feel need to know in order to LEAVE won't be made apparent - he would definitely keep all that from you as much as possible.

And of course you love him. It's natural to care about someone that you've invested so much time and energy in, who has shared such a huge part of our lives. But loving and caring about someone doesn't mean that you are automatically compatible, nor does it mean that both of you are going in the same direction and want the same things in life. You can absolutely leave someone that you love. Why - because you want the best for yourself, and for them. Maybe the best for him is having the space to work on himself, grow up, learn that his actions have real consequences...

CW...
You said earlier "I think that people usually find someone to "console" with not necessarily sexually either.."

Do you mean he found consolation in her about our problems and the ones he was dealing with....or with me for his confusion now and/or guilt for how this has played out?

kms...
I have started counselling for myself, it's only been two sessions so far but I have found guidance in my thinking already, about me and how I present myself to the world. I have done a lot of self-discovery already and it feels good.

As for getting no answers from him, or incomplete ones or no attempt to even get an understanding from him is an answer too. It is just not one that I am prepared to get yet. Part of the confusion is this..I don't know that he wants enough from this to try enough to make me not leave.

When I do approach this, I need to figure out how to tell him that if I don't get what I need, or at least a big effort to start, that I will have no choice to leave. I really don't know where he is emotionally right now, or where he was about us to know how he might take it. I believe, because of the reasons that put us on the road to arguing and worse (they didn't start with this woman, it was other tough life things) that he had a nervous breakdown and shut off all of his emotions. He was not a heart on his sleeve kind of guy to start with, but I have seen no hard emotions from him about the life things that he should be feeling or about us which I hope he feels. I'm sad about the loss of what we were and the potential for our children to grow-up with a part-time father.

I agree that he may need time and space for himself to be able to work himself through the issues that surround him. But, knowing him as I do, I don't think he will do that on his own. I don't want to handhold him through anything, but be there as a support for him. A non-judgemental support (he has brought up feeling judged and put on the spot a few times). Well...he did this stuff, of course he is going to be judged by his actions. This is where the friendship with this woman started, he has said that she doesn't ask him what is going on and doesn't comment on anything when he tells her something. However, from what I see friendship as...she didn't help him with anything other than leaving me and making herself as the soft place to land when he did. She manipulated things to end up her way and took advantage of his non-thinking a his vernuable state. He is is just as responsible for his actions, I do know that.

Well, I came to a decision.

I finally brought up a lot of things to him. Told him how hurt I had been by his actions during our problems, and the ones he has taken since. Told him how confused I am now. Asked him more about her and that relationship. Told him that I had crossed a line and snooped and found something that lead to more questions....etc.

He was as open as he can be, we talked about things that were influences on him and how he approached the problems we were having (they weren't marriage issues as much as how we each coped the things that life was giving us..birth, death, medical problems, pain, parents, lovers...all the heavy stuff). he did get made about the snooping, fair enough. But said that he could have an understanding of they why behind my doing I couldn't fully trust him and he knows that is because he broke the trust we had.

So, I have a clearer picture of where things are for today. I am better prepared to accept the end of this. I know I will have the strength to care for my children and give them the life they deserve, even if it isn't the one I promised each of them the minute (literally) they were born.

So, I will be making my own plans for living without him. I am currently not working ( recession!) but am in the running for a few positions. Once that is sorted and I know that financially I can make it, I will be asking him to try for real. No more waiting and seeing. Counselling for us, a suggestion that he goes himself, a firm decision about the "friend that is a girl" , a real try this time. He will either agree and do it, agree and not really try, or not agree at all. His choice. His loss if he won't go for it.

I do love him, but not for what he is presenting himself as now to the world. He is the guy I get to see...he just is afraid to be that guy again. He is being overly cocky and arrogant to keep the world at arms length from him, on his terms to protect himself from hurt. I know him deeper than that, and although it comforts him it also terrifies him too. I know that feeling well. But there is more to life for me and my kids than hiding and wondering what kind of mood he is going to be in when he decides to come home.

So I got enough closure and answers to be able to make my decision. It may be the worst one I ever make and I will miss him forever, but if that is the decision that is left, he is already gone and will never come back. It will bw time to start a new journey for the kids and myself.