Happy But not Happy

**daisy08** · 05-18-2009 09:17 AM

I have been married for 7 months and i can say that i am not all that happy but i am not unhappy confussing i know. I find my self morning the loss of my independece of my life the way it used to be. I have been on my own since i was 19 and I got married when i was 30 so i lived my life as i felt, but now it just seems that i became a wife a cook and cleaning lady. It is hard for me to also have to depend on him. I lost my job and i have been looking for work but it has not been easy. This last weekend i felt so helpless i needed to puchase some things and my husband in front of the cashier embarrased me because i could not pay for what i needed but he had to pay it. I just walked out of the store and cried I never felt so low In my life. My husband says he didn't mean to do it but i was so angry hurt i just never thought he would make me feel that way. What i want to know has anyone ever felt this way and does it get better. God I hope so!

**Hopeless Dork** · 05-18-2009 01:50 PM

Marriage should be enriching your exsistance, not removing you from it. I think that the job thing is more of an issue than the marriage itself from what you describe. Once you are employed again you will start to feel better about yourself and regain some of your independence within the marriage.

There may be a time when he loses his job and has to dip into your purse and that won't make him feel any better than it did you that day but that is what loving someone is all about. Giving and taking and doing both with dignity and respect.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for a new place of work, school, or just finding peace in being able to be home and focus on your interests, reading - exercise - etc.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-18-2009 05:01 PM

Adjusting is very difficult to start with for some people.

I was lucky I fell into it, so to speak however, not easily but for him he couldn't do it full stop.

I was 36 when I met my ex-husband and stayed until I was 43.

It depends on the person you married and we would think ourselves wise at that age huh, but sometimes until you live together you don't know.

We are not meant to be the cooks and the cleaners, those days are gone, you will get another job, at that point there are two of you earning a living and living together and responsibilities should be shared, not still given solely to the woman.

7 months isn't long and it's a transaction but if you feel like the cook and the cleaner, then you need to sit down and discuss that with him.

You should be having fun, cooking together, or him putting the BBQ on and cooking something for the two of you, picking up after himself and running a broom through himself or putting the washing on...

It's the transition of feeling like your now a slave that makes you feel the way you do.

Stress of finances can make people say all sorts of things and he was out of line for sure, I don't blame you for how you felt, but next time get your emotions in check and laugh at him in front of the checkout person, and say something like " ahhh your the man your meant to pay", ...

Then calmly tell him after-wards how that was inappropriate, your a team.

I guess that's the bottom line, your meant to be a team, (one), yet independent.

My ex, spent money like it was going out of fashion, yes it was his, but then when there wasn't enough for Mortgage it would be me he would turn to or a gas bill, or dinners always, and any holidays, always me, and i was the cook, the cleaner, it's not on...

If you can't communicate with him now and get that "team" "friendship" feeling and be happy, your going to have a hard time and hold resentment as time goes by to the extent of it all falling apart and one walking.

CW

**happy ending** · 05-18-2009 09:27 PM

i agree with CW, my ex and i werent a team, whereas i get so much more support now. you really need to tackle this early, as it will only get worse, you are still in the honey moon stage - set some ground rules.

**Joy** · 05-18-2009 09:42 PM

how long did you date before you got married? Were you the slave during your dating phase? I think you will feel better about yourself once you land a new job. If you have always worked and taken care of yourself maybe you have to learn how to be taken care of but I do hope it is with gentle hands and heart.

If your husband is getting on badly and acting like a jerk about money then you have to sit down and let him know that isn't gonna fly with you. Maybe he thinks that is how a man is suppose to act when he is the bread winner. is recalling some role model in his life???

But if you are home look after yourself treat yourself kindly excercise, read, sew, garden, take this time to develop a new hobbie too.

You guys have only been married 7months so this should be the time to be a team and learn that great quality in a mairrage. Its time to set your life path with one another and fufill your dreams together. There will be bumps in the road but its doesnt need to be a battle and a war between the two of you

good luck

**dunks22** · 05-18-2009 09:55 PM

Marriage is hard, but if you love your husband, you will make it work. You have not loss your independence , it is not like that you are in prison. You and her husband are a family unit, so it does not matter whether or not you ask him for money.

**WildChild** · 05-18-2009 10:05 PM

Some men can make situations like this really tough and demeaning. I can understand where you are coming from. It's good the two of you talked about it, so hopefully it won't happen again. You need to do things with your freinds, with mutual freinds, with each other and on your own so that your life won't just become about him. You'll be both more interested and interesting