blindsided & brokenhearted

**HALFNOTHING** · 05-30-2009 10:51 PM

I'm runnin out of words.. i can't take that we are staying at home together like a ghost not talking at all.. Give him time but show him you're sorry for what you did for long years and show him that you really love him.. Always try to make fun of him, state a joke even though he's not responding..

you'll be ok.. I'll pray for you..

**destiny59** · 05-31-2009 01:19 PM

We just had a little talk...he needs his space...he's thinking of sleeping in the spare room because he can't get a good nights sleep when we sleep in the same bed. He's afraid if we happen to snuggle I might get a false sense of encouragement. I asked him if he needs his space why doesn't he move out? He asked me if that's what I wanted and I said no...if there's a chance we can make this work, I want to try...but if he's already decided on divorce then it doesn't make sense to live together...he says he hasn't made his mind up 100% on divorce...I tried to get him to look back at our 23 years....20 of them were good....He doesn't want to look back at our good memories...they don't make a difference as to how he feels now...that's not going to bring the love back. Someone suggested leaving pictures around...of our happier days...not sure that will do anything considering what he just said about it not making a difference. We need to rebuild our relationship but at this time he doesn't really want to do anything with me so how the do we rebuild. We will continue to go to counseling but i'm really not optimistic at this point. I wish I had the balls to tell him to go, but I can't imagine life without him. I know this post is all over the place and I apologize for that...I'm tired and depressed and just can't think straight. I don't know how much longer I should give him...I don't want to pressure him but what am I suppose to do while he's trying to figure things out. I realize he's not going to fall back in love with me over night...and he may never...but at what point do I say enough is enough?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-31-2009 04:59 PM

Chandlers Wish - To answer your question "What do you feel that you did that pushed him away and for so long?" There were a lot of external factors that I allowed to affect our relationship. Stress with work, stress with my mom (she's an emotional mess..I felt responsible for making sure my mom was ok...if she was in one of her down times it would affect me and I felt as though I had to take care of her before anything else), my dad (in and out of the hospital for a few years, passed away last March) my brother (mentally ill, verbally abusive to my mom), financial stress, a little bit of resentment toward hub regarding financial situation, my health...painful uterine fibroids just about ruined my sex drive...our communication wasn't where it should have been. Intimacy was last on the list...everything else came first. We still had a great time together...travelling, hiking...at least I thought we did. I knew we were in trouble with intimacy/sex but I figured it would all work out in the end and we'd get back on track.

I guess I took my husband for granted and thought he'd always be there.

No, what I think, in my opinion, is that your husband has been with you for 23 years and should have stood by you for one year, that is all you are stating her, supporting you over all of this, your illness, your family, the death of your father, and all the stress that is associated with all of that, including finances and realised all that you were going through and helped you through it.

Stress, plays a huge role in non-intimacy, the more stressed you are, the less you want it and you do not have to feel guilty at all over that.

a little bit of resentment toward hub regarding financial situation,

I don't know exactly what that situation was, but my ex-husband, held his own finances separate, he would waste his money on his "toys", sometimes not leaving enough for Mortgage and I would have to cover, yet he will state clearly that he paid for everything, I even paid for our "date" nights, once a week, holidays, food, bev, smokes, he paid what was his, to ensure if Divorce ( so he thought) that we would be able to say he always paid for "his" house, not ours but his.... and therefore, the house is his, lol.

I understand, (point being) that resentment of finances.

I think maybe you have been a tad blinded over some things that he has done, you scratched the surface with the finances, I have scratched the surface with the non being there through all your troubles and helping you through...

The fun is off course fun, hiking etc we had fun on our holidays as well, "all be it that he wouldn't contribute to taking money out the ATM, more than $200 whilst we were away"...

If you really sit down and hear what you are saying, the company has been great but has he really been a supportive husband financially and emotionally?

Are you really only frightened of going it alone after 23 years or your age?

I am 45, I left myself.. I love my life now and my new man.

I thought i wouldn't be able to survive either.

I am not saying that it's not worth trying and going through this nor that you don't love him, I am asking you not to take all the blame.

I feel that he is trying to make you feel that blame as if it is all your fault, yet clearly, he wasn't there when you needed him and clearly, something wasn't there financially, yet you two were a team.

I think that you have to take that blame of yourself and now.

It takes two...

You were not intimate for a year.
He was not understanding of all you went through, your pain and suffering and stress, nor did he help relieve any of that stress.

Have a think here.

CW

**destiny59** · 05-31-2009 06:26 PM

Chandlers Wish - No...I am not taking all of the blame. I know it takes two. He actually was very supportive during the past few years...but during that time he was falling out of love with me...the stress made me "miserable and mean" I agree to being miserable, but not to being mean. Honestly I don't understand how someone can fall out of love...if they truly loved you in the first place. I just wish he talked to me about his feelings before they totally disappeared. Financially, he was very generous...too generous considering his income. He's made a few bad business decisions...some his fault, some due to bad advice from an attorney...he owes my mom quite a bit of money from years ago...my dad actually lent it to him for one of his businesses...our home should have been paid off by now...but we owe a big mortgage because he refinanced for $ for one of his businesses...the list goes on. He is a financial mess, but I have always stood by him and supported him...occasionally I'd get frustrated and say things that maybe I shouldn't have but that's to be expected. I am going to do everythign I can to make this work because I really love him and can't picture my life without him. We really did have a great relationship up until the past year or so. Never fought...enjoyed being together...laughed...loved life..We'd see old couples on the beach barely able to walk and say to each other...that'll be us in 30 years...I feel sick to my stomach at the thought that we won't be together. I seriously don't think I can live without him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-31-2009 06:35 PM

.

He is a financial mess, but I have always stood by him and supported him

Well, is it possible that he is now stressed to the hilt as a result, knowing that?

Maybe alot of this has to do with him...

I was the one whom recommended leaving the photo album out.

If he after 23 years has had to re-finance the house, and keep trying with businesses and is in a financial mess, still owing monies from yonks ago as well, to your family he could feel like a failure.

He could be utterly depressed and this is his solution but a part of him, can't do it, doesn't want to hense he is still there.

Is there a way you guys can work this financial crisis together and as a result he sees instead of the concentration on divorce or marriage your helping him and supporting him to try to get this thing further off the ground and making money and relieve the stress?

CW

**HALFNOTHING** · 06-01-2009 05:40 AM

if there's a chance we can make this work, I want to try...but if he's already decided on divorce then it doesn't make sense to live together...he says he hasn't made his mind up 100% on divorce..

Maybe he has something to figure it out.. Maybe he has another problem not that he doesn't love you but he's trying to escape on that.

If he really wants divorce, tell him not taking it long.. It's unfair to you to him in keeping you await until he decided whats he really wants. the more it takes long, the more pain in you. It's better to spill things out once than to cut it piece by piece.

i understand that you want this relationship work out but you can't do it only by yourself. if its true that he doesn't love you. no need things to work out. after all, one sided love ain't succeed. It just cost a lot of pain on your side.

**hippiechick2405** · 06-01-2009 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by destiny59

Hippiechick...what was the outcome with you? are you still with your hubby? I just get sick to my stomach every time I think about him leaving me. We've really had such a great time together and we have so much in common...at least I thought we did.

Yes, we were able to work through it. But, it was about three months of complete miserableness. He broke down the day that I told him that I had found a place for me and our boys to live. I had also brought home packing boxes and he just lost it. My husbands problems were all pretty much due to alcohol (and some mean spirited "friends" of ours). He was drunk when he told me that he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. Your problems sound like it's completely stress related. It sounds as if he just thinks that if he leaves, then the marriage will be one less stress in his life. And his comment about not being 100% sure if a divorce is what he wants yet, is complete cowardness! You have got to grow some balls and tell him that you do not want to just sit by and wait to see what happens. Either he needs to work on the marriage, or end it. I know that is the scariest thing ever, but even if he wants to end it, you will be just fine. Do you work outside the home? If not (and depending on your state), he will be having to pay alimony/spousal support. Once again, you will be fine no matter what happens. You are a strong person. And, I know exactly what you are feeling. When I was looking at possible houses to move into, I felt like I needed to throw up. When I thought about sleeping alone, I would cry. When I realized that there wouldn't be any more adventures (yard saling, drives, weekend getaways,etc) together, I curled up in a ball and cried and cried. But, when I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn't do anything more and that it was all up to him to come to his senses, I began to feel better about everything. You have got to talk to him and tell him how confused you are by his actions. Ask him what he expects from you (and don't let him tell you that he "needs to figure it out" on his own). You need to have partial control over this situation also. This is not just about him. It's your marriage and life too. You are going to be fine.

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