blindsided & brokenhearted

**destiny59** · 05-28-2009 06:17 PM

I've been with my husband for 23 years...We lived together for 10 and married for 13. We've always had a great relationship...never fought, and enjoyed being together. At our 10 yr anniversary he told frinds of ours that they were the best years of his life. Things changed these past few years...I let a lot of external factors get in the way...lots of stress and family issues...some health problems...the intimacy was not there...communication was not there...we still did a lot of things together...travelled, spent time with friends etc. About 4 weeks ago he told me that for the past year or so all he's thought about was how to get out of this marriage...he doesn't love me any more. I was crushed. I knew we had some problems but I never in a million years thought I'd hear him say he didn't love me anymore. He is seeing a therapist and we just started going to marriage counseling. He is not sure he will be able to get his feelings for me back. I have been a mess ever since. I can't focus at work, can't sleep or eat...I've lost 10-12 pounds. It's like he turned a switch and now can barely talk to me...we are like strangers. He's had these feelings for more than a year yet acted as though everything was ok. I take blame for not showing him how much I love him...but I wish he told me about his feelings a long time ago...it's going to be much harder to fix now. I am scared. I absolutely can not imagine my life without him. He's still at home with me....still sleeping in the same bed, but on his own side...no sex or touching or kissing or anything...he's not ready for that and doesn't know if he ever will be. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. Not sure if I can belive that. After all, he's been lying to me for over a year about his feelings. Anway....I am trying to give him the space he needs but I just can't back off. I need him to know how much I love him and that I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. He thinks we've made progress since we started counseling but I don't see it. Progress to me will be him telling me he loves me again...and at this point in time I don't see that happening. I am trying to prepare myself for divorce but I don't think I am strong enough. My heart hurts so much that I just can't think about anything else. If he leaves me my life will be over. I will be alone for the rest of my life..at 50 there's no way in I'm going to start over. Sorry for the lenght of this post...I am just venting...I guess I need to learn how to cope...because I'm not handling any of this very well. Appreciate your support...

**blondie80** · 05-28-2009 07:06 PM

Hi Destiny, I know you must be absolutely crushed right now this is a real hard situation for anyone to be in. You have to give your husband credit in a way, men aren't braught up to talk, they hold everything in but he has spoken and trying to get help. Give him space, he obviously needs it at the moment to process and believe him when he says he feels its getting better, have some faith in him.
He still must love you if he is getting help or otherwise he would of just straight out asked for a divorce no questions asked. There may not be intamacy at the moment but if you push him it may very well push him over the edge. Trust that he is getting the help that he needs, believe in him give him a little space, stay happy yourself while he is working this out, I know that sounds hard but in the end if you can stay settled and take this in stride he will probably find it alot easier to deal with it all as well. I can imagine it would be very overwhelming for him at the moment as well, he has just let his feelings out and he wouldnt be used to the rollercoaster it has probably put him into as well.
Just have some patience and when you need to vent we will all be here, have you got any close friends that you can confide in as well at the moment? They may be a great outlet for you too.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-28-2009 07:08 PM

Keep your chin up..

If you think negatively, negativity will win..

He thinks we've made progress since we started counseling

Where did he say Divorce? He is going to councelling with you, he thinks you are making progress.

Fear alone over what may be at 50, and 23 years together, will keep it driven apart.

Take the positive in those above words that he has spoken and smile, every day at him, walking past not asking for anything, and tell him "love you", and keep walking.

Leave an album open (accidentally) to pages that remind him of the way it was, then close it and put it away, as if you were looking and forgot and left it out.

He obviously has felt "un-loved" himself for a few years, you can't ask or expect him to say " I love you", over night, and whilst it hurts, it can be solved and your doing all the right things together, to bring it back.

When your heart aches, you want it fixed, you want those words, but will they not be better when eventually, you both can see clearly and start loving and laughing again and they are spoken with honesty?

Be positive and stay positive and think positive through all of this.

CW

**WildChild** · 05-28-2009 10:16 PM

Wow, this must be really hard. Do keep up the counseling no matter what, it can help you cope. Are you doing any separate sessions? It can help to someone not involved to talk with. Sounds like you are going to have to give him time to figure out where he is. In the meantime see what interests you can develop? Maybe the two of you can find somehting new to share too?

**hippiechick2405** · 05-29-2009 10:30 AM

Oh, Destiny, I totally know the blow to the gut when you hear the words, "I don't love you anymore". It was the hardest thing in my life that I had to deal with. But, like someone else said, if he didn't love you at all anymore, he wouldn't still be there and going to counselling. He is making an effort, which is great. Keep encouraging that and make sure you are having your own sessions. You are stronger than you think. No matter what happens, you will come out just fine. Do you have kids or grandkids? If so, focus your spare time on them. If not, find something to do to keep your mind off of things. And, I would keep telling him that you love him, even if he doesn't say it back. My husband got mad and asked me why I was saying it even though he wasn't saying it back and I just told him that I still loved him even though the feelings weren't mutual at the time. It hurt like a SOB, but I did it. It made me feel better just knowing that I was letting him know. Is he ready for like a date night? Maybe re-create a really special night from your past. Just don't give up. Good luck!

**destiny59** · 05-29-2009 03:22 PM

Thank you all for your replies. Chandlers Wish - he did say divorce in counseling...he said in his current state of mind he wanted a divorce, yet he is going to counseling with me so I guess that confuses me. He doesn't like to talk about us much outside of counseling. He's keeping himself very distant from me. Blondie 80 I am trying so hard not to push him. My friends are actually amazed that I'm being so patient. IT's not really patience though...I'm just so hurt and scared I dont' want to do or say anything that will make him walk. Wild Child...trying something new is what our counselor suggested at our last session. I asked him if he had any ideas and he said no...I mentioned a few things but he wasn't receptive. Hippiechick - I do have a daughter but she's very busy with her own life...my friends have been great but I haven't been much fun to be around. I do keep telling my husband that I love him and want to make our marriage work...it hurts when he can't say it back and I hope someday he will be able to. He's not ready for a date night yet...Hippiechick...what was the outcome with you? are you still with your hubby? I just get sick to my stomach every time I think about him leaving me. We've really had such a great time together and we have so much in common...at least I thought we did. Thanks again for your support and suggestions.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2009 04:52 PM

There is a posibility that he is using reverse physcology with you to a degree, un-intentionally.

By that I mean, you paint him as a "nice" guy, not manipulative, not using this councelling to then say well I tried, and then walk, because he really has another woman and wants to ensure he's not taken to the cleaners.

It could be that he had, had enough of a few years of distant relations. And, a few words, here and there and it would go back to the same old, same old, and so he maybe trying to let you gain something from this councelling before, he allows himself to give again.

There are so many ifs.

He may also be doing it for you, so that you can handle the break up better later out of love, ..

There is love and in-love, you can't get someone to be in-love with you all over again over night, that takes time.

What do you feel that you did that pushed him away and for so long?

Are those things still occurring?

Have you asked him, if you want a Divorce, why are you attending councelling with me?

It seems to me that you are walking on egg shells, and will do so for months, not knowing which way he really wants to go.

It will break your heart that's for sure, but that could be today or tomorrow, spending months waiting to see, is even more damaging and painful at the end.

You need to ask yourself if you know the answers seriously as to why he got to this stage and seriously, if he contributed as well, not just you and you need to tell him I want this to work 23 years is a long time, you need to tell me one thing and one thing only, do you deep down want this to work too? That's all I want to know..

I think by his answer, you will then know what to expect..

I think whilst your working towards building a relationship again, you also need to plan for if it doesn't happen and know where you will be at, if that time occurs instead of it all crashing down, (if) and i say (if) that happens, so that you have direction......

CW

**HALFNOTHING** · 05-30-2009 01:13 AM

I know it hurts. I felt what you feel. like you want to be dead. feel like you are dead but breathing and moving so far. But, though you've been hurts like hit by a train still you're alive. So, That's that mean that life must go on. Try hang outs with you friends. In your situation, you don't have third party like you're fighting with shadow. But, don't waster yourself and fool around just by 1 man who cannot understand himself. It must be harder to accept what happened but that's life. In every negative happenings, there is always a positive side.. Think forward to the positive side in life while you are alive.. see? we are not getting any younger.. So, love life.. Go to bars,etc.

c'mon be it.. leave thing will it be..

**destiny59** · 05-30-2009 06:58 AM

Chandlers Wish - To answer your question "What do you feel that you did that pushed him away and for so long?" There were a lot of external factors that I allowed to affect our relationship. Stress with work, stress with my mom (she's an emotional mess..I felt responsible for making sure my mom was ok...if she was in one of her down times it would affect me and I felt as though I had to take care of her before anything else), my dad (in and out of the hospital for a few years, passed away last March) my brother (mentally ill, verbally abusive to my mom), financial stress, a little bit of resentment toward hub regarding financial situation, my health...painful uterine fibroids just about ruined my sex drive...our communication wasn't where it should have been. Intimacy was last on the list...everything else came first. We still had a great time together...travelling, hiking...at least I thought we did. I knew we were in trouble with intimacy/sex but I figured it would all work out in the end and we'd get back on track. I guess I took my husband for granted and thought he'd always be there. Since he told me he doesn't love me anymore I've been feeling really clingy...all I want is to be near him, but I am trying to keep my distance. I have been telling him how much I love him and I really want our marriage to work...I also told him I didn't want to get back into the same rut we've been in...I want us to be happy...communicate our feelings...speak up if there's a problem...It's just so hard to belive that he's been so unhappy for more than a year...he never showed it ... but now that he's told me he wants out, he's changed completely...very hard to talk to..I feel like he's trying to keep this wall between us. Last night I suggested date night...no was the answer..he said this is going to be a long process and he's not ready for that yet...we both need to figure out what we want...etc. I really don't want to pressure him but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...my stomach is in a constant knot...I can't eat...I can't focus...I am absolutely no fun to be around...and I am really scared. Everything we've done over the past 23 years we've done together and loved doing it. I can't imagine doing any of those things I enjoyed so much with him, alone or with anyone else.

**crystalrose** · 05-30-2009 02:20 PM

Oh Destiny this must be so devastating and painful for you.
Do try to stay positive. Maybe this is a mid life crisis for him.

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