I know it's silly to feel this way, BUT...

**hopeseed** · 06-01-2009 04:35 PM

After reading some of the post on this forum I feel even more silly about the way I have been feeling. My fieance is very sweet and loving, it seems like he is really into me in many ways and is a romantic sensitive nerdy typ, and I love that, I really love him and want to make this work, but because of my past relationships that were so emotionally abusive and (my ex husband cheated on me) He always tried to make me feel jelous on purpose and here I am 12 years later and with the love of my life and I am fighting my jelousy. He very sweet, however I saw some pictures of a beautifl almost naked woman on his computer, he had saved them while he was out of town to his desk top and I guess forgot to delete them or at least take them of of his desk top. I pondered for a while and realize how much this little thing hurts me, I can;t stop thnking about it and now I keep thinking he must look at other women all the time. Now I am 34 and I should know better than to be so silly and jelous, but it's like I am experiencing feelings form way back in my marriage! I know it's not a big deal and I have looked at other men too, but I can't compete with that model and her fake boobs. Anyway, how can I get over this and not let it bother me, I don;t eant to feel this way, but I am not ogign to confront him and make a fool of myself and make him feel bad, what's the point! Any advise on how I can overcome feeling inadaquite just at the thought of him looking at those pictures. It's deelper thna self esteem, I feel like I'm pretty and others seem to and I know he is attracted to me, so why does he need these picture? HELP, I know I'm being stupid!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-01-2009 04:46 PM

lol.. sorry i mean that in the nicest possible way.

I love the pictures my girlfriends send me, or male friends for that matter, of firemen, my now boyfriend, then as a friend, sent a classic once, that "i must find again?". anyways, you are right, there is no room for jealousy as it's a waste of energy, past is past and what happened in your life, you learned not to take on every again and moved on, it's over.

It's natural and that is what you need to see, natural, to however be "reminded" of the past.

When this happens, you have to simply look at it and say ahhh, that is the past, that sort of thing lead to cheating with my ex, I am so lucky this guy wouldn't even dream of it and smile to yourself in that knowing....

It's only a picture, but more than that, I guess what you are not seeing is we all have "fantasies", I wrote a thread " what's your sexual fantasy"... We all have them, but a person with MORALS, does not act on a fantasy, rather leaves it where it belongs as a fantasy... It means nothing more than that.

Time to smile and know you finally are "home", and have what you deserved all along.

CW

**hopeseed** · 06-01-2009 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

lol.. sorry i mean that in the nicest possible way.

I love the pictures my girlfriends send me, or male friends for that matter, of firemen, my now boyfriend, then as a friend, sent a classic once, that "i must find again?". anyways, you are right, there is no room for jealousy as it's a waste of energy, past is past and what happened in your life, you learned not to take on every again and moved on, it's over.

It's natural and that is what you need to see, natural, to however be "reminded" of the past.

When this happens, you have to simply look at it and say ahhh, that is the past, that sort of thing lead to cheating with my ex, I am so lucky this guy wouldn't even dream of it and smile to yourself in that knowing....

It's only a picture, but more than that, I guess what you are not seeing is we all have "fantasies", I wrote a thread " what's your sexual fantasy"... We all have them, but a person with MORALS, does not act on a fantasy, rather leaves it where it belongs as a fantasy... It means nothing more than that.

Time to smile and know you finally are "home", and have what you deserved all along.

CW

Thanks, you are right, I think of myself as a mature person and so I do feel really silly carign so much about something so innocent. But I guess I have an unresolved complex about this whole thing. OK here it is here is my complex, it's an illness in a way: Why is his fantasy with some fake boob perfect beauty, is he just pretending to be attracted to me and I am joke to him in a sexual way...second, if he needs that fantasy, then would he choose her over me if he had the totally opportunity? After all she does look perfect. Then there's the other part of me that does not care or does not want to care and knows he loves me AND I look at stuff to soemtimes and it doesn;t meean I don't want him. So why do I have this double standard, I know this is a complex of mine, so I am going to see a couselor and try to work through this, because he is so wonderful. Thanks for being so sweet and understanding.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-01-2009 09:46 PM

My fieance is very sweet and loving, it seems like he is really into me in many ways and is a romantic sensitive nerdy typ, and I love that,

is he just pretending to be attracted to me and I am joke to him in a sexual way.

Ahhh.. I know a lot of women have a hard time "believing" it's like " is this real?", na can't be because before this happened and that happened so why do i have something good this time?

Work on yourself sweet... It's your own in-securities ( not an illness) that is making you question over and over, (silly) things.

There are women here that will agree with me I know.. Those whom also come from some form of abusive relationship, or were never "good enough" only to find someone who loves them for them and they can't believe it's true.

I came from a 7 year "emotional abusive" marriage, but I just knew deep down inside " I'm worth it and then some", and the man I am with now, pfttt I have not even one insecurity, on vary rare occasions (I say periods), he will say " stop fishing", and basically I say yeah i know, it's that time of the month couldn't help it.. lol.

You have to believe in yourself.. He wouldn't be your fiance if he didn't love you..

What was your past as I said, is your past.

Fantasies are "fantasies" and given the choice? He would have to ask himself, is it worth the risk of losing you? Na, better keep it a fantasy, she is probably a cow anyway, lol.

See?

You will be fine... Stop thinking negatively and go and buy yourself something today ok, something that makes you feel good.

Smile.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-01-2009 10:53 PM

Oh hopeseed, you are a smarter one than I. Similar situation with my boyfriend happened and I did the whole making a fool of myself, making him feel bad thing for no good reason. For me it was self-esteem issues, even though like you - I know people are attracted to me, I am darn sure he is but seeing these perfect models hurt in my stomach in a way I couldn't address rationally.

He handled my concerns with care and made me feel so much better and I have a greater understanding for why guys do that... through asking and asking other people (yet I'd be LYING if I said it doesnt still make my blood heat up when I think about him fantasizing about those girls, the adult part of me says.. so what - he's mine). I just wish I didn't put him through that and make myself look like a completely crazy insecure dummy in the process.

I am lucky to have such a wonderful man as my boyfriend that didn't anger with my temporary melt down over that stuff, instead he was supportive which makes me feel all the more like I should have just relaxed and let it go in the first place. I am glad that you are doing that. Sounds like you have a great guy, and it sounds like you increddible self-control. Good work :-)

**rcoreyus** · 06-02-2009 12:04 AM

Most men fantasize about, and often look at pictures of "perfect" women. It doesn't mean anything - really. They no more want to trade their girlfriends / wives for a woman like that than you would want to trade your boyfriend / husband for a rugged weatherbeaten cowboy.

The fantasy of a cowboy may be fun - but the reality of a guy who is almost never home and who smells like cow dung when he is - isn't appealing to most people.

Same way a beautiful exotic dancer may seem a fun fantasy, but the reality of an uninteresting woman who spends hours each morning getting gussied-up to look pretty wouldn't be much fun either.

Disclaimer, I'm sure there are some very nice cowboys, and some very nice exotic dancers out there - I know I'm stereotyping.

**HALFNOTHING** · 06-02-2009 05:48 AM

c'mon sweety hopeseed, that's natural to guys.. as you have said, it was saved by him when he was out of town. That's not big deal. guys are fun of fantasizing sexy ladies at pictures but that's not mean, he wants that verbally. guys can't live without masturbating hahaha.. funny but true.. maybe, thats pictures helps him to intimacy.. it's normal to adore perfect body. even we, girls have that sense.

Stop that silly things for it might brought something bad to your fiancee. don't accuse him. he might misunderstand it. he might take it "as you don't trust him". you might hurt him and lead to trouble.

**Iseulda** · 06-02-2009 05:25 PM

Is your boyfriend Johnny Depp? Pierce Brosnan? Brad Pitt? Leonardo DiCapprio? Is he the physical ideal of male perfection that is sold to us as the personification of manhood?

I'm guessing not.

Have you ever looked at a picture of that kind of man and felt a tingle in your loins?

Do you still find your boyfriend attractive despite the fact he's not a chiselled Greek god? Would you love him any more if he was?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-02-2009 05:33 PM

Originally Posted by Iseulda

Is your boyfriend Johnny Depp? Pierce Brosnan? Brad Pitt? Leonardo DiCapprio? Is he the physical ideal of male perfection that is sold to us as the personification of manhood?

I'm guessing not.

Have you ever looked at a picture of that kind of man and felt a tingle in your loins?

Do you still find your boyfriend attractive despite the fact he's not a chiselled Greek god? Would you love him any more if he was?

Bugger.....

I just got tinglings in my loins then... That's so un-fair

Lucky it's my morning......

Good analogy!!

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 06-03-2009 12:20 AM

Iseulda you bring up a great point, a true one. I do find other men hot, I would never want them over my boyfriend and I wouldn't love him any more if he looked like one of the perfect people...

HOWEVER... men have more of a trading-up mentality than women do. A lot of men try their level best to be with the absolute best thing they can get at whatever stage of life they are in. Hence the famous actors dumping their wives of 20 years for a supermodel once they get famous, the Doctor - dumping his wife that supported him through college as soon as he has gotten his degree.. etc etc...

We see it all the time, guys hitting on their gf's prettier sister, best friend etc.. they seem to have this need to feel flattered and wanted by something better than what they have. Not all men, of course, but a lot of men , yes. When guys feel like okay, this is the best I am gonna get - they marry. Many guys don't marry for a long long long time because I believe they are STILL not sure if they have found the best they can get.

And it sucks because women by and large don't do that. We fall in love and brad pitt can knock on the door and most would go oh wow, hot, then close it... even if they had an affair - they would want to stay with their true love and most wouldn't even take it that far anyway.

I guess thats why some women find comfort in dating much older men, men they know they are more attractive than the quality of women the guy would usually attract as it makes them feel secure " he can't possibly do better than me" mentallity. I've seen it work and watched friends wrap guys 2 notches below their society acceptable "level" around their pinky finger.

When you date someone that is an equal, someone that both of you could quite possibly do better, or both of you quite possibly could do worse.. its a little more scary, a little more room for physical insecurities and worried your guy isn't finding you hot enough. Women may look at hot guys and fantasize, but women loading up a webpage of hot scanitly clad men and masturbating to those images is a lot, lot less likely , a whole lot less likely than guys doing that.

But its what is fine, its no harm done, its okay, its hard-wired for men to want to masturbate to the hottest creatures imaginable, we get it. I get it, it doesnt mean I have to like it :-) lol. I accept it, I understand it, it is the way it is... do I wish it wasn't? Do I wish that guys would be greatful for what they have and quit beating off to greener pastures... yes!!! lol , call me selfish , but that would be super cool ! lol.

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