Thread: Confused

We had a big debate about this kind of thing on another site I'm a member of. Plenty of people, men and women, were arguing that it is just a fantasy and doesn't mean anything - but their arguments fell flat with one simple question; is your spouse OK with it?

If the answer to that question is 'no' then it is not OK.

There is no universal right or wrong about this - some couples happily allow other people into their marriage, but that only works when those couples are in complete agreement about it.

If you don't like it, if you feel cheated on, then it is wrong. It doesn't even matter if he's getting plenty of loving at home or not, he still shouldn't be doing it unless you are totally comfortable with it. And it is OK for you not to be OK with it. You are not being at all unreasonable.

This is something I actually did myself. My marriage was in a very bad place and I started looking for compensatory attention online. I hid it from him because I knew he'd be upset and angered by it, I knew it was another form of cheating. I had no delusions about that. I feel I had my reasons, with a controlling and verbally abusive husband - but that still doesn't change the fact that the more honourable course of action on my part would have been to leave the marriage before looking for attention from others. I don't believe I'd do it again because I don't believe I'll ever get to a place in a relationship where I feel that trapped and undermined.

Your husband may feel he has his reasons - he may be 'bored' (even though you're not boring - boredom actually comes from within, and can't be caused by other people), he may be having a bit of a mid-life crisis. It may be as simple as just not feeling sexy any more - talk to him about it. Ask him what he gets out of it that he doesn't get from you. Help him understand that you want to fix that with him, that he doesn't need to go outside the marriage, that he mustn't go outside the marriage or maybe he won't have a marriage for much longer!

You don't want him to do this - you have told him that. If he keeps doing it then he is saying that he doesn't care about your feelings. Ask him how he'd feel about you swapping x-rated texts or emails with other men. It may be that he'd genuinely be OK with that. But he may just say that and not mean it. Try to make him really picture it - ask him how he'd feel about you telling some other guy that you want suck him, that you want to feel him inside you, that kind of thing. Get explicit. See how he reacts.

He says it means nothing - maybe that's true for him - but it means something to you. You need to tell him that, if you haven't done so already. If he carries on regardless then you need to take a long hard look at your relationship and work out if you are prepared to put up with that or not.