Still Can't Trust and other issues

**kjanec88** · 06-06-2009 09:41 AM

I found out last year (May to be exact) that my husband had been unfaithful to me with someone for about 3-4 months. I was completely devastated. I have had trouble ever since with trusting him. We have two children-a teen and a toddler.

I have gone through waves of uncertainty with him (I guess that's what's happening now) and I just can't figure out how to get over these feelings. I know that I will never love him like I used to. I was completely devoted and completely faithful to him. I never in a million years believed that he would do this to me.

We are intimate but it's not the same. It just feels different. He says he can't "finish" the usual way, and prefers to "finish" himself. We NEVER had this problem before the affair. (I cannot get pregnant anymore, so that's not a viable excuse either.) At first, he blamed it on the Lexapro he was taking, now he's not on that anymore. Then he says he has a stomach ache and can't finish. Then he says "it will just take to long" the usual way and he doesn't want to hurt me. Every once in a while, he does I guess to get me off the subject. However this also causes me to wonder why since we had never had a problem with it before.

So, long story short... I'm tired of checking cell phone records, websites he's visited, spying on him, etc. and coming up empty and feeling foolish. I need some advice or words of encouragement.

**WildChild** · 06-06-2009 10:35 AM

Everyone is different for some this would have been the ends straight out. You are trying to make it work but it sound like there are still unresolved feelings and issues? It might be that a few sessions with a good counselor would help you both work through this.

You are right you can't continue constantly checking up on him. Either you have to take the leap and decide to trust him, perhaps restructuring some of your ideas about what a relationship is, or leave. This will wear you both down too much.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-06-2009 04:15 PM

I think WC is right, that maybe you need to get councelling, you can never forget but somehow you have to learn to forgive, if you want to stay in the marriage and give it another go.

Did you both discuss why he felt the need to cheat on you, what he sees in you and loves about you, and your lives together for instance...

Constantly checking up, I suspect he knows.

So, when intimate, it's hard because he's starting at a face of a woman he loves, but also one that he cheated on that knows and one that hasn't forgiven, so the feeling is totally different it is sex. I am sure he wants to finish inside and that means both loving about the encounter.

This is what you need to decide if you want to work on or not...

CW