Need unbiased advice

**spaghetti** · 06-28-2009 10:36 PM

Let me start from the very beginning...if my story doesn't make sense, please ask all questions..

I met my husband through my best friend 3 years ago. My husband and I started out as friends, and then the relationship progressed into something more. At that time, I was married to another man who continuously cheated on me. so, my current husband who was my friend, became my boyfriend. And I left my first husband. For 2 years my husband and I dated and then in Aug 07, we got engaged. at that time, he didn't have a "career" but he was working. I helped him with getting a career, so he worked as a sales person at a dealership selling cars. He did that for 2.5 yrs. and got laid off and since then, he hasn't worked. He got unemployment for awhile, and I encouraged him to go back to school, he said he needs to work first, and I said ok. So, I helped him find a job, although I did tell him he wasn't going to be able to find a job in this economy, and that he has a better chance going back to school then working. Well, he went back to school and got a job.
The end of Jan 09, we got married. All was nice, everything was hunky dory. unfortunately, sex drive has gone down, he whines a lot about why other people are more successful, and why he can't be successful like them. and why no is there to help him. Mind you, we live with my grandfather in his home, because 1: my grandma passed away and we were worried that something would happen to him if he was alone, 2: we don't have the means to support ourselves on his income because I go to school full time (becoming a nurse), 3:I don't want to live with his parents. So, our goal was to save money, and have a comfortable life.
His car that he had, died on him last month, and so my mom had been giving her car to him so that he can drive to/from work daily, and yes she asked for it back after 3 weeks, only because its hard for her to get around without a car. My husband has been wanting to buy a used car from craigslist ad, but we all stopped him, because the cars that he has bought in the past on CL, have all died on him, (there were only 2). So, my grandfather also helped him out with his car, while he took his other car to work. My point is, my family has pitched in to help him whichever way. His family hasn't. Until last week, when he practically begged his dad to cosign for him for a 10k car. His dad finally came through and said that his wife, my husbands mother can cosign. We were at the dealership ready to cosign, but the sales people there said that they can only work the deal if its under her name only. Well, my husbands dad said no, because they will need to buy a new car for his mother since she is one car short because of an accident she had 2 nights ago. (their car was totalled). So, its one thing after another with us! So, my husband has been using my car to/from work this weekend. And on the way home, he was to stop buy apple store and meet my brother so that my brother can get an iPhone under our contract. My husband was ok with it. once that was done, he came home irritated, I was irritated with him on the phone, because I wanted him home, and didn't realize that the iPhone purchase was going to take 2 hours. Anyhow, he started to vent "my birthday passed, and all I got from your mom was happy birthday, why is it that your brother can just go out and buy an iPhone, I have no car to go to work, and no one is there to help me, I wanted to buy the used car from CL but you all stopped me, I should have just bought that car!, you don't do anything for me, you don't cook for me" of course during this vent of his, I did listen and respond. My response was "my mother helped you, she gave you her car while she walked to work, so how can you say that no one is helping you??? you're getting a car on monday! (he's fixing the breaks on my grandfathers car so that he can drive it to/from work), the used car from CL was too big of a risk, and we don't have that kind of money to just throw! why don't you ask your parents why they are not helping you??" So, that was my side. Everything I own, I bought without assistance, I don't understand how he can just whine like that???
This is my story about my husband. For the last 3 years, he has questioned why everyone else is more successful than he is, and why no one bothers to help him. I used to feel bad, and I would try to help him the best I could. And now, I'm not sexually attracted to him. We argue most days, and I don't feel he is motivated. He works a lot, picks up hours when he can, but, I feel that he wants to do more, but whines instead. I give him ideas, I do what I can, despite my schedule. I drive 4hrs a day to/from school, and when I get home I don't feel like cooking. I don't feel like working in the home, although I do housecleaning on the weekends, but during the week, I would rather relax.
I don't know what to do, or what to feel. Please advise.

**rcoreyus** · 06-28-2009 11:42 PM

I just have a bunch of unconnected random thoughts here...

Not everyone is more successful that him - he is concerned about buying a car, not about buying food - that puts him ahead of a lot of people.

Its true that a lot of people who do well have gotten a leg up in life, but not all. Some people do make it on their own - but it takes a huge amount of work.

He is feeling inadequate - and that probably makes him seem less attractive to you.

He would do well to study for a career - but it should be something he enjoys doing and that pays reasonable well. What hobbies does he have?

**spaghetti** · 06-28-2009 11:55 PM

Hi, well, about 6months ago, we had decided together that he should go into paralegal work. So, I found a university that offers the paralegal program, gave him all the info. application etc. he was set to sign up and go this August. I asked him on 3 different occasions about the application, and if he has started filling it out for this term, and he hasn't even looked at it. because he doesn't have time, ok..he gets 2 days off from work, and during those 2 days off, his family seems to need him more often than their other son who lives at home. So, my husbands reason for not filling out the application is that he's too busy, he works so hard and all he wants to do on his days off is rest. and that's fine. But the application process will probably only take 30 min out of his time. Just a week ago, he decided that he no longer wants to do the paralegal program because he wants to get another job to make more money. I told him he didn't have to do that, because we live with my grandfather, we have no rent to pay. Our bills consist of my car pmt, car insurance, credit card, pge, cell phone, toll bill and little bills that come up here and there. 1 paycheck pays all the bills and give us approx. $300 spending money. So, he can in fact go to school for the paralegal program (15months). But if he wants a second job, then that's fine. But he complains too much about it. And he's is not satisfied. I did ask him what he truly wanted to do with his life, and I wanted an honest answer. He doesn't know. He says he wants to start a business, but doesn't know what type of business. The paralegal program came up, because my grandfather is a lawyer, and he thought it would be nice to work behind the desk, and help my grandfather out with the practice. My grandfather is ready to help him. He just needs to show that initiative and take that step, that he decided a week ago, he doesn't want to do that now.

**Joy** · 06-28-2009 11:55 PM

when money, obstacles, time, more obstacles get in the way and build up then we can become less attracted to our current surroundings. Focusing on our problems and placing blame does nothing but wastes time and energy. foucing on what others are not doing for us instead of focuing on what we can do for ourselves is a wastes of time.

uncertainty brings on fears and more friction between couples and even groups of people that should be working together.

you are annoyed and letting that build up on you and feeling less and less willing to be involved with your bf. so you are fighting with each other more.

**spaghetti** · 06-29-2009 12:04 AM

Hi,

I try talking to him, but it seems like he takes it really personally. I think he feels like I'm attacking him when I'm not. I feel that I have been working with him, not against him. But I'm doing what I need to do to help the both of us. I'm not dwelling in the "why me" or "no one cares" or "no one is helping me" mode. What I was trying to do with him was to get him past that, and focus on how we can build a life together. And he agrees, for the moment or few days. Then its back to woe is me! Its frustrating!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-29-2009 12:23 AM

I think your husband feels that there are "hand outs", he is living rent free, he doesn't want to be a paralegal and have your Grandfather give him work, he want's to stand on his own two feet.

He works hard and car sales can obtain good income, and he's looking for ways to make money because he needs his independance, to feel like "a man", having a wife, constantly telling him what he can do, should do, could do, or asking him what he wants to be, is like a "Mother", not a wife, in his eyes, he feels in-secure over all of this I think.

He's not a book worm.. He's discovering whom he wants to be in life, obviously you both are young. He likes sales, he wants his own business one day, he only wanted the car so he could be in-dependent and free of borrowing from your family that he currently lives with for nothing.

He will never be a book worm, it's not his nature I don't believe.

I think you have to let him be "him" and look for a $2000 car that he can afford to run and you both can afford to purchase for the interim.

I think he can be lazy as well as he is tired and do nothing until the weekend, even if he is wanted by his family then, as you do...

I think you may feel that you need to mother him and that you need to guide him and I think that he wants to be "free" to be himself and just himself.

I can't see this guy being a book worm but I can see him wanting to succeed in life in something he finally finds a passion for, as he's not lazy and living off of you, he choses to work.

You need to decide if you can be married to someone whom is themselves, and is happy in themselves.

The whining may be more of "rebeliousness" I think as well as frustration of wanting to get there faster..

Maybe if you say "well love you chose what you want to do, I will support that and how about we just get a cheap second car for now and work towards that $10k car you want when we can later".. As long as your happy that's all that matters, not what you do for a living, you may see a complete turn around.

My "unbiased" opinion...

CW

**spaghetti** · 06-29-2009 12:31 AM

Hi, Ok, that sounds good. I will give that a try. I can see that I have been mothering him, I just thought I was being supportive. So, I will tell him what you just wrote, and go from there. btw, he is a bookworm, and that's what so confusing to me, he took a class and got an 'A' in it. He just needs to apply himself.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 06-29-2009 12:40 AM

Don't get me wrong, I can see you have been supportive, absolutely, you've been there for him and you make mention of "asking" him what he wants to do, not "telling" that's controlling and I didn't feel, see that at all, rather Mothering, which we women sometimes can't help but do..

I just wonder if you cut some slack there you may establish that he actually feels useless, and non-contributing to "your lives", it's worth finding out I think.

Bookworm huh? Must get my white witch energy straight then, lol.. What was the class he took?

I was thinking more along the lines of marketing/selling as apposed to being say an accountant/lawyer, something that he can still have bookwork involved in but uses his gift of the gab and smarts moreso, than 8hrs a day, writing, or doing figures, something that uses his mind, intelligence... but also hands on as well, at the same time,

Maybe that's the confusion? Maybe, you see the intelligence as does he but he can't cope with 9-5 bookwork, which study would include as well naturally, 15 months of it.

Good luck and don't take my words for it all... it's a suggestion to establish his reaction to ascertain whether or not, that's the core problem, him feeling inadequate as to why he won't fill papers out or do anything that involves studying.... and whines.

Let us know.

CW

**HALFNOTHING** · 06-29-2009 04:53 AM

lol.. mia mia mama..

sounds good hit rather than advise lol but have a sense..
you may sounds nagger to him thats why he feels like no one helping him. instead of mothering him, act like a friends who can support him.just like giving him a chance on what he wants to do. support him.. at least, you're not the one financing him for what he wants to do. sounds he is workaholic for the other side.. support him not unless he gone out of the line.

**WildChild** · 06-29-2009 09:23 AM

Hummm, I don't know. I get the feeling you are more into what he could be rather than who or what he IS.
If he really wanted any of this he'd find a way to get it. Instead he's making excuses, blaming and whining.
I do agree with CW that backing off may be the best course right now. Let him make his choices. I bought my daughter a car from Craigslist (had it checked by two mechanics) for $800, put another $800 into it and she had a great car. Let him do what is appropriate for him. Quit micro managing him or mothering him and let him be an adult. If he is going to fall or fail he will. While for some a hand up is what they need, some people never find their strength until other quit holding them up.

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