What To Do....

#1 01-03-2007, 10:41 AM

Let me begin by What Not To Do.

1. Catch him on his terms.

Imagine in eight hours you are to give that presentation,
take that exam, go to that interview, perform that
operation, try that murder case...

and you catch him with Lilith.

Now it is not just your marriage, going down the drain;
it is your promotion,
your degree,
your career,
and other people's lives...
that is effected by him being unable to keep his
pants on.

Many men 'time' their denouement to those
incrediable junctions in their wife's life to
cause permanent, and sometimes irrevocable
damage.

It is not an accident.

Adultery is often used as a 'weapon' by a spouse.
It is used to 'prove' his dominance in his wife's
life.

Do not allow his infidelity to destroy your life.

Easier said that done...?

Not exactly.

Catching him, proving he is unfaithful is not
necessary. Not until you're ready to deal
with divorce or the consequence.

Emphasis on 'You're Ready."

Never give him the power to pick the time,
date, place, and target.

Many women will recall, ten, twenty, forty
years on, how it was his adultery which
destroyed their career, their education,
and other aspects of their lives which had
nothing to do with the marriage.

And many women realise that he 'set up'
his being caught not merely to hurt, but
to destroy.

#2 01-03-2007, 10:57 AM

As life is not a Court of Law; 'Beyond a Reasonable Doubt'
does not apply.

If you feel your husband is unfaithful you don't need
to get proof until YOU ARE READY TO FACE THE
CONSEQUENCES.

He's coming home late....

"Had to work overtime..."
"Car broke down..."
"Got stuck in traffic..."
"Was abducted by a Klingon Bird of Prey...."

And you think...

(he's lying...he is having an affair...)

Now if you are at a place in your life in
which you can deal with adultery...whether
you have a divorce lawyer on tap, want to
leave him anyway, etc. then fine, run behind
him like a gadfly and catch him.

If you are not; if you can feel, concurrent
with your thoughts...

(Nah...he wouldn't betray me. He may
have had to work late...the car could
have broken down...traffic is bad...there
has been a lot of alien abductions recently..)

Then LEAVE IT.

You don't need to know now.
So avoid catching him.

Avoid proving his unfaithful until
such time you are ready.

Nothing is more pitiful than a wife, running
from place to place looking for her husband.
Sneaking around trying to catch him. Playing
James Bond, and devoting every waking
moment to husband investigation.

It is demeaning, it is unnecessary, until
that point when you wish to confront it.

Yes, make him use a condom or refuse sex
as soon as you think he's being unfaithful...
but don't prove he is until you are ready.

#3 01-03-2007, 11:18 AM

Betrayal is a life changing experience.

Children in play school are overwhelmed
when their best friend leaves them to
play with someone else.

Remember how you felt when someone you
trusted betrayed a secret.

When you think your husband is unfaithful,
long before you have proof, plan what you
will do.

The terms, 'dignity', 'restraint', 'maturity'
should frame your actions....
actions
not reactions.

Plan a future as if he has been unfaithful
and once everything is in place, and you
are ready, then you catch him on your
terms.

In 99.9999% of the cases where a wife
'feels' her husband is unfaithful, she's
right.

In that .0001% of the time, it might
be something worse...
he might be sneaking away to gamble
off the trust fund, he might be a drug
addict or dealer, an alcoholic, an
axe murderer...

the point is, normal people living
normal lives do not have 'gaps'.

They leave work at x time and it
takes them y minutes to get home.
Sometimes y +10 minutes, but
never y + 4 hours.

If it happens once, maybe there was
a pile up on the highway.
If it happens twice over a month...
it could be traffic.

If it happens every Friday...
he's doing something for 4 hours...

Catch him when you are ready to
confront the possibilities.
Not before.

#4 01-03-2007, 03:43 PM

When he is not home...
he is not home.

This means, that during the currency
of his tentative affair, you now have
blocks of time you can devote to
other than him.

Don't sit around waiting for him to come
home. Don't run around searching for
him, take his absent hours as a liberation.

What about that course you always wanted
to take?

What about that business trip you could
go on?

What about figuring out where you are
going when you leave him?

Sure, spend the first few nights worried
and stupid, but after night two...tell
yourself he is not worth it.

Tell yourself it is time for you to get on
with YOUR life.

Begin to migrate him out of your life.

You don't have to rush home to make
dinner for him. He is not there. And
if you have children who want to
sleep over at other people's houses,
or eat there, fine.

You have gotten a few hours to be
with yourself.

Talk to people.
Find people to talk to, and work out
the strategy.

What you are going to do if/when he
never comes home again.

It doesn't matter if you are wrong...
taking that course can not be a mistake.
Visiting friends can not be a mistake.

Deciding to take that better paying
job a few hundred/thousand miles
away can not be a mistake.

It is all you now.

Adopt to his new schedule by creating
a new schedule for yourself.

Buy a ticket to that concert, that play,
that whatever it is you want to see.
Go.

Join that club, participate in that
social event. You can lie to others...
'He's working late...'
"He doesn't like this kind of music/
art/etc."
You are at the best moment you will
ever be...that is the unavailable
available woman.

Nothing drops the pressure off of a
pair of female shoulders as when she
can go out and not be looking for a man.

Remember all those awful single days
when you'd go out your eyes searching
for the 'one?'

Remember men making remarks and you
having to ponder...will I lose him if I say...
do i want to...

You are married.
Hence you are not here to find a husband,
you are hear to listen to that lecture, or
watch that dance.

And if you meet someone, you meet someone.
It is all innocent.

If he attracts you and you start to wonder...
remember that rebound relationships end
very badly.
So keep it light.

Give yourself another option.

After all, if your husband doesn't come home,
you don't have to either.

And as he lies about where he was, so do you,
if you need to.

In most cases saying you went to hear a lecture,
or you were visiting Mary, or you're taking courses
at the univeristy, don't need to be shrouded in
secrecy.

Very often, you'll time yourself and him so that
you might be home ten minutes before he is,
and he will not know that you were out.

As you've never caught him, as the words
adultery/betrayal etc. have never been used,
as far as he thinks you don't suspect anything,
it makes it easier for the marriage to continue...
and gives you a secret weapon if it doesn't.

You have weaned yourself from him.
You have survived without him.
If he leaves he can not take your whole world.
Because while he's been out, you've created
a new one.

#5 01-03-2007, 07:21 PM

The first thing you do, when you suspect
your husband is having an affair...
is nothing.

Overtly

This is because anything 'all of a sudden'
will provoke you to the wrong response.

Imagine the harridan; "Where were you?
Who were you with?"

And he is going to look at you as if you
are the stupidest thing that ever lived,
and start to lie.

Lie because whatever respect you owned,
whatever high ground you stood on, has
now been swept away by this pathetic
harpy you've become.

It is better to go to your bed, lie down
and cry if you want, and if/when he
comes in plead sickness and a complete
lack of awareness of the time he's dragged
himself in, until such time You
are able to manage his adultery.

It is a fact of life in every situation.
You lose when you play by someone else's rules.
You lose when the other side has the advantage.

Hence, whatever you do, don't catch him.
Don't bring it up.
Not until you are ready.

So, you've gotten through the first night
with your 'sickness', and he's gone away,
to work, and now you have to think.

If you have important functions to do,
you shove him and his situation on the
back burner with the; "I'll deal with this
tomorrow," order and you get up as if
nothing has happened, and go out to
meet life.

Put it very simply, what you don't know
can't upset you. So you don't know, and
make no effort to find out.

#6 01-03-2007, 07:36 PM

There are the rare situations when you walk on
them. When there he is with Lilith, (or Lew) and
you can't not see/know.

It is going to take you by the hair and fling you
around the room, and everything is going to go
crazy all at once.

Now the hardest thing at this moment in your
life is to do nothing.

But anything you do will be wrong.

The best thing, the only thing you can do is
try to be calm and script your reactions.

Firstly; you lose if you let him see how much
he has hurt you.

So you can't let him know that.

He is going to start to lie and say the usual;
"It's not what it looks like."

The less you say the better.
Let him talk and talk and do whatever it is
he wishes to do. Let him make a fool out
of himself.

And retract your affection as much as you
can. Think; "He is garbage. What am I doing
with garbage?" Say nothing.

Eventually, at some point, very quietly,
ask him to leave. If he refuses, don't
make a fuss. Just lock him out of your
mind, your heart, and concentrate on you.

Tomorrow, as usually it's night when you
catch him, consult a lawyer.

Do not have any discussion with him.
Avoid him that night, because you don't
want to do anything you might regret...
and by regret I mean making a fool of
yourself.

A man who has an affair where his
wife can catch him is doing it deliberately
to be caught.

He wants to be caught and he has some
plan up his sleeve.

Don't fall for it.

Lock him out of your heart and consult
a lawyer. No chances, no do overs.
He has a serious problem.
Let someone else deal with it.

#7 01-04-2007, 09:59 AM

That phone call, that note, that whisper..
all prick suspicions...but all can be explained
away.

The sure fire sign of adultery is his irritablity.

Everything is suddenly a problem and an argument.

Married seven years, hubby suddenly goes into
a long diatribe about 'why do you always ask
me if I want coffee in the morning?'

The argument is far more vicious than it need be
and there's this undertone of 'confirmation required',
coming from him.

Everything you do bothers him.
Even though it is the same things
you've always done.

Wife calls him at work to remind him
to bring home.....
and he lambastes her...

but she has called him at work for
years reminding to buy ....
without the slightest reaction.

Wife asks hubby to pick up the kids
and he is so angry and attacks her
for bad planning and tosses all sorts
of insane ideas about what should
be done when she can't pick them
up....

Everything bothers him, everything
is a problem.

This is his guilt manifesting.

He is angry at his wife because he
feels guilty at betraying her.

It is, in his twisted mind, her
fault that he feels guilty.

He is angry at her for spoiling his
adultery by making him feel bad
for betraying her.

When every little thing starts to bother
him, chose your divorce lawyer.

#8 01-04-2007, 10:18 AM

Some women think...
oh...
he's having a midlife crisis...

And never appreciate that they are
seeing the most blatant and unmistakeable
signs of adultery...

Men can do well hiding their affairs.
No lipstick on the collar...
no suspicious phone calls...
explanable latenesses or
trips out of town...

But they can't disguise their irritablity
their need to escape the wife.

They prowl the house as a caged
animal. Their depressing morose
presence going room to room...
looking for an argument to justify
why he has to leave...

Most men must Blame their wives
for their affairs. It only works
when it is not His fault.

(Rem. Adam and the Apple?)

Dee knew her husband was unfaithful.
He would come home from work in
a permanent bad mood and everything
bothered him.

"Why do you always have the television
on when I come home?" going into a long
blah blah.

He'd go into the bathroom and complain
about her underwear handing on the
curtain rod.

He'd sit down to eat his dinner, and
look for faults.

After dinner he'd walk from room to
room mumbling, acting like a six year
old grounded on a sunny day.

When Dee would say something to him,

"I'm thinking of having our Son's birthday
party at...."

"What do you keep annoying me with this?"

When it is the first time she has mentioned
it.

Then, the sentence he has planned to say
from the moment he walked in;

"I can't any peace in my own house..."
And leave.

He can not say to himself;
"I'm a treacherous piece of work, betraying
my decent wife for that bargirl..."
But he can justify;
"She forces me to leave the house."

When a man begins to behave as in the
example above, he is having an affair.
You need not waste another brain cell
on 'ifs'.