My husband left me, support needed please

**BrokenHearted** · 07-18-2009 08:49 PM

Last Friday I learned that my husband of almost 9 years (we've been together 12) had been having an affair for over a year. Upon my discovery, I fully expected that he would drop to his knees and beg my forgiveness. He did not. I received luke warm apologies at best and what amounted to him saying he did not want to be married to me anymore. He was cold, callous, and had not an ounce of compassion for the pain I was feeling. I thought we had an incredibly special, and strong marriage and that my husband was one of the "good guys."

To add to the heartbreak, we have a 3 1/2 year old son.

In one week, I've learned all this, he has left me, and rented an apartment in an area of town he always wanted to live in and is just starting a new, exciting life. He is practically giddy.

I have never known pain like this. I loved him so much. Our marriage wasn't perfect, and I have my shortcomings, but after all the love and support I have given him, it is so hard to understand how he could have thrown me away life a gum wrapper. I feel like I have no idea who he is and he looks at me with cold eyes.

So, here I am feeling the most acute pain in my life, trying to hold it together for my son, for my job, and he is starting a new life, without me. My mind often runs amuck with horrible scenes of him and his mistress (an employee, how cliche), the wonderful future life he is having, and me ending up alone, broke, and bitter.

Any words of hope for me will go a long way. I am in the darkest, scariest, and saddest point of my life and I feel like this pain will never end.

Thank you.

**baja** · 07-18-2009 10:33 PM

Broken, I am so sorry to hear this news. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced over the past week. I wish I could offer words that would truly make you feel better, but you are beginning a process that must run its course.

Honestly, your husband is excited now, but it wont last. I will bet any money he will regret his decision, how he is behaving, how he is hurting you and your son in the not too distant future. The first thing for you is to see him for what he is -- a person who has betrayed you without remorse. This is unforgiveable in my book. Marriage over.

Second, you need to believe in yourself and your ability to survive this trauma. Focus on the road ahead, one step at a time, get outside, walk, breathe, surround yourself with positive things and people who can help you. Don't be afraid to ask for help! The fact you are here is great, but releasing the pain will be critically important.

Lastly, you won't be alone, broken or bitter if you can put this behind you. Yes, this is a terrible, dark, scary, painful, bad time and you're scraping rock bottom. I can guarantee you'll emerge from this stronger, more confident and self-assured. But you'll have to focus on YOU and not HIM. He's absolutely not worth it.

**Joy** · 07-18-2009 10:43 PM

Your husband was very cruel indeed. He started a new life a year ago and has just sprung it on you. He is giddy cause he has had a year to plan. You are broken right now and in shock. I know this is not gonna happen today but you are going to heal from this and you will be able to have a happy future.

You will only end up alone, broke, and bitter if you hold on to the anger of this situation for too long. You have a right to be angry you feel betrayed at the moment and a thousand other emotions. Take this anger and turn it into something positive for you and your child. The best revenge in life is living a good life.

I know this hurts so much right now but the pain will end you will heal your broken heart and you will live a good life.

**dr.mansview** · 07-18-2009 10:52 PM

Honestly, your husband is excited now, but it wont last. I will bet any money he will regret his decision, how he is behaving, how he is hurting you and your son in the not too distant future. The first thing for you is to see him for what he is -- a person who has betrayed you without remorse. This is unforgiveable in my book. Marriage over.

i was thinking the same thing "baja"..i have worked with guys who left their wives for gfs, even one who left his wife for the babysitter, then left her for someone else..the excitement wears off quickly and the pain they left behind, especialy when kids r involved, rears its ugly head..move forward with head held high for your son's sake...good luck

**Tina Lee** · 07-18-2009 11:11 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this broken.

This is a process that has begun for you. You need to voice your feelings, and after that then the healing can begin.

I am sorry to hear that you've had to go through this painful week. Your little boy will give you the strength to keep going.. You need your son, & he needs you.

As others have said, your husband won't be happy for long. I love that word Karma...

**WildChild** · 07-18-2009 11:17 PM

I've watched this scenario unfold more than once with family and freinds. He is a man without integrity gleefully running off to be with a woman without integrity. That's not a recipe for happiness or success. How will either ever fully trust the other?

Right now he doesn't see you as the woman he promised to love and cherish but as an obsticle to what he wants. It's going to get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Don't be surprised to learn that he has transferred or hidden assets and manipulated things to make it look like he has less than he does and you have more. He's probably going to try to make you out to be the baddy because that will ease his conscience.

Get copies of all important docs and financial papers and put them where he can't get at them. Get him off your credit cards and separate your banking, change your passwords, change the locks. Get a separation aggreement filed ASAP, it legally restrains both of you from disposing of property.

This hurts terribly and there really isn't much any of us offer right now to ease your pain except to assure you that you are not alone. There are many women and men who have gone through this heartbreak and come out stronger and happier in the end. But it takes time. Stay active, give yourself time to grieve, this is a type of death, it is the death of a marriage and of dreams. You will find new dreams and people who will share them. Give yourself time.

**BrokenHearted** · 07-18-2009 11:19 PM

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

There is no doubt that my marriage is over, even if he should regret this decision a day, month, year, or decade from now. Not to toot my own horn, but I am person of great character and integrity, and it seems we are not compatible in those departments. I think success may have changed him. Its the typical story, girl supports boy when he is dirt poor, gets him on his feet, and when he becomes successful he starts screwing a younger model. I really thought our bond was stronger than that, not to mention his love for his son, but I guess not.

I suppose I am in a period of very intense mourning. I had built a life with this man for practically my entire adulthood. Memories of us are around every corner. And we had made so many plans for the future that are now completely non-existent. Intellectually I know I'll get through this (what choice to I have, I am apparently the only upstanding parent my child has), but emotionally I do see how I'll get through.

I so appreciate everyone's support here and I am fortunate to have an army of "peeps" by my side.

**Hopeless Dork** · 07-19-2009 12:38 AM

I know your heart is broken right now, and you are too sad to probably think about the financial situation and his responsibilty to you and your son together but this success of his you mention coupled with his infidelity should at least hopefully guarantee he doesn't get to walk away leaving you with bills to pay.

Its extremely scary to think how someone could be someone entirely different than the person we think they are. How someone can fake emotions and lie for so long and truly be a monster underneath his all (which I consider him to be).

Falling out of love is no ones fault, it happens, in the best of situations... but the way he handled it : not giving you and him an opportunity to work on your marriage before having an affair... for keeping it going until caught rather than come clean immediately, and to move on so fast without trying to comfort you in anyway with at least heart felt appologies.

You are lucky to find this out now, while you still have a lifetime ahead of you to be happy alone, or with someone that deserves the kind of woman you are - not catering to some shell of a being that is completely unworthy of you.

Don't envy his situation or his new girlfriend, pity them - with the kind of heart it took to pull off deceiving you for a year , I'm sure one of them will do the same type of thing to the other eventually.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 07-19-2009 01:54 AM

As usual, we go into a marriage ( rightly so), feeling comfortable, secure, why not help them get where they want after all it will get "us" where we want as well, our future, our dreams.

It sounds as if your a very grounded person, intellgent and one who has worked most of her life, still is...

It sounds as if, he was an un-grounded person, one who didn't really see "future" and still can't.

I can only say to you that you are young enough and smart enough to continue your own journey, once the pain and anger, frustration subsides.

In an understanding if you can, that your road was always going to be straight, successful and real...

It doesn't matter what "smarts" you passed onto him and how he may prosper from that in the future, he took.... he never gave back...

It's a life lesson and "marriage" in your instance (same as mine) was "one sided" of giving, I imagine alot of your arguements were due to his childish ways, non-sensible decisions, etc....

Get out there and start the gym, or a hobby, and smile in the knowing that your a better person, a good person and your life will continue in the right direction, one way, whilst his goes, left ,right, back, forward, etc........

CW

**torn2pieces** · 07-21-2009 09:06 AM

It scares me to read post like these as I want to be married one day. Sorry to bring the negativity on but I don't know if the "good one" even exist on planet earth.

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