Husband caught on pron sites and dating sites please HELPPPP

**OhThereYouAre** · 08-14-2009 07:19 AM

Originally Posted by Mrs Doodles

It is if you dont want you DH looking at porn id go mental with my DH if i caught him looking at porn as we have a VERY good sex life so i dont see he has the need to look at it.

Guess it just depends on your beliefs and whatnot.

But in the grand scheme of things, after 21 years of a relationship, I don't think looking at some naked fantasy women a deal breaker.

I'd consider something like cheating the end of the world.

**Munchkin** · 08-14-2009 08:47 AM

I really feel for you. I have been having this problem with my fiance for a while now. We have been together for 4 years and we have a 1 year old son together. When i found out he looked at porn i was ok with it, didn't really like the idea but i knew that most men do it. One night i was feeling poorly so took a load of medicine and fell asleep. I woke up at about 4 in the morning to find my fiance in the bedroom at the comp looking at porn. As you can probably imagine this really upset me as i was in the room! I spoke to him about it and said to him that i could put up with the porn use as long as i wasn't in the house and as long as it didn't affect our sex life.
Since then though it has got worse. It is like an addiction for him and it is a struggle now to get him to have sex with me. After having our son i felt down about my body image anyway but now i just feel disgusting, like i am so hideous that he would rather look at some random girl on the internet rather than me.

I really am at my wits end. I love him so much and he says he loves me but i don't know how to get him to stop doing what he's doing.
I thought i was being quite reasonable when i said that he could do it whilst i was out but obviously that wasn;t good enough for him. Does anyone have any ideas to what i can do?

Sorry about the essay!!

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-14-2009 10:08 AM

Munchkin, he is being pretty disrespectful... if you have given him the kind of leeway that allows him to look at porn in general without you fighting him on it that was a good compromise - the least he can do is keep his part of the bargain and not do it in front of you if it hurts you.

He needs to understand that the hurt he brings you using porn is secondary to the hurt he brings you by not caring enough about your feelings to spare them.

Tell him what hurts and makes you sad, ask him if its within his power to avoid making you feel hurt and sad. If it isn't... I'd really wonder how anything can move forward like that.

**Ahryin** · 08-14-2009 03:21 PM

OK see...this is when we as women (at least this is my opin) have to really sit back and choose our battles. If you are to hard on him over this you WILL drive him away. He is a GROWN man and even though you are married you already state you are happy and have had great relations for 21yrs. WE have women on here who's men are cheating cheating...like down dirty dog cheating and your screaming at him for possibly clicking a button/pop-up..where is the trust?
He loves you, he is with you...I understand it might be a shock or hurt a little but pick your battles...thats my advice. Don't worry yourself over such mini issues, talk about it, discuss how it makes you feel and maybe try new things but don't scream at him like he is your child vs your partner and husband

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-14-2009 04:12 PM

Ahyrin, your right. I look at the things that bring me so much cause for getting upset and they are nothing compared to how bad they could be. Picking battles is wise. Of course it would hurt me more if my guy cheated than if he looked at porn instead of having sex with me. But if he is not having sex with me because he is too tired from 'enjoying' his porn too much that is cheating me out of the pleasure he can provide.

But yeah, Porn is the lesser evil. When I read things like your post I am reminded of how small my troubles are compared to the troubles of a lot of other women. But when you are in the heat of the moment you don't see the big picture or what they could be doing that is worse, you just see what hurts you and focus on it.

Maybe we are all just fooling ourselves into thinking monogomy is even possible. Physical monogomy - very possible - mental monogomy.. eh not so possible.

**Munchkin** · 08-15-2009 02:48 AM

Hopeless Dork.. thanks for the advice, not sure what good it will do though as i have spoke to him a million times about it. I never shout at him about it, i figured if i did that then it was just going to cause problems in other areas of our relationship. So i have always tried to sit him down and explain how much he is hurting me.
Ahryin.. i agree with what you're saying in the sense that there are a lot worse things in the world but surely if the person who is supposed to love you can hurt you knowingly, however they may do it, surely thats the main point? Every situation in the world can be looked upon by saying 'it could be worse' but then nobody would be able to have feelings at all for fear of making a fuss out of nothing.
I have had bf's cheat on me in the past, which of course hurt a lot. But there were no second chances, they were out the door and i let myself heal. But with my fiance, i find what he is doing hurts more, just for the fact that he knows that was he's doing is going to hurt me yet he carries on doing it.
In my opinion, porn is something that 99% of men look at. But out of that number of men, for quite a number of them it will become and addiction. Something that will ruin their life. So please, don't get me wrong thinking i am moaning because my fiance is looking at a few pictures. It is the fact that he has now become addicted to it and it is affecting our relationship as well as his moods, his eating habits and his social life. Porn cannot just be dismissed so easily when it has gone so far for some people.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-15-2009 03:18 AM

In my opinion, porn is something that 99% of men look at. But out of that number of men, for quite a number of them it will become and addiction. Something that will ruin their life. So please, don't get me wrong thinking i am moaning because my fiance is looking at a few pictures. It is the fact that he has now become addicted to it and it is affecting our relationship as well as his moods, his eating habits and his social life. Porn cannot just be dismissed so easily when it has gone so far for some people.

You are totally correct.

He may have an addictive personality are there other things that he gets involved with and can't shake?

Smoking
Gambling

Internet

Anything can be an addiction.. An addiction is exactly that and has to be treated, and noted.

He's not ready to see that he is addicted...

I think your a very smart lady and I hope you work it out for you.

CW

**Munchkin** · 08-16-2009 04:57 AM

CHANDLERS WISH - Thank you for your support.

Yes, he has a very addictive personality.

We had a situation a while back where i went to pay a bill and the card declined. Didn't understand why as i had checked the account the week before and we had more than enough money. I called the bank ready for an argument just to find out that the card had been used on some sort of gambling website. At first i was convinced the card had been cloned and was fuming. It wasn't until i spoke to my fiance, told him i was calling the fraud squad, that he informed me that it was him. He had been regularly visiting gambling sites and as i dug deeper into the issue i found out that he had spent over £3,000 in the past two months gambling. He said he didn't mean to. That is his answer to everything now days.

I am wondering if maybe there is something that he needs that he is not getting from me? That may sound silly but he never used to be like this. He's just changed. I try my hardest to be attentive and caring. Even with chasing a 1 year old around all day i always make time for my fiance so i really don't know what else i can do.

I honestly feel the root of all our problems is the internet. But i can't just 'take it away'. He isn't a child and i never want to try and control his life so i really am stuck with what to do!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-16-2009 05:04 AM

You have to establish why he feels the need to gamble. That's a shirt load of money... What is he aiming for in life?

Or not.. Sometimes, it's just wanting to feel the excitement, life sucks and he needs excitement and so gambles, thinking if I lose, tomorrow I will win, it's fun, he forgets the money he's investing.

Yes then he has an addictive personality but each addiction is only around as long as needed.

For instance, smoking is the hardest.

Gambling, if there is NO money it can't be done and after time it's forgotten, so get rid of any ways in which he can do this.

It's not the internet, that's just yet, another addiction... He's not happy, what is wrong, why is he not happy?

Your not controlling but is it his job? Finances? Something is amiss and as I said, your smart, so you can work through this.

CW

**Munchkin** · 08-16-2009 05:21 AM

I know he likes his job, but he doesn't like having to work. If that makes any sense. He doesn't mind the job he has but if he had the choice he'd be a millionaire and never have to work again! But if that is what's making him unhappy then there really isn't much i can do about that!

But honestly, i do not know what is making him feel this way. He's not the best at sharing emotions and i don't want to keep pushing him for answers because then he might never open up to me. I just keep thinking it must be me making him unhappy as i look at the rest of his life and can't see anything that would make him feel that way. I ask him but he says he loves me and i make him happy.

I'm just hoping it will all turn out ok. We have our good days and our bad days like every couple. I just look forward to the time when it will be more good than bad.

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