can someone please define "dutiful wife"

spaghetti · 08-16-2009, 11:36 PM

maybe im missing something here. i thougth i was being a "dutiful" wife till my husband pointed out that im not.

heres some info on me, i attend VN nursing school, full time. I drive approx. 1.5 hours each way, class starts at 9am-sometime 2,3,4, or 5pm. i come home, and im tired. too tired to cook. this schedule is mon/tues. clinical hours are wed/thurs/fri 6am or 630 till 2 or 230pm. so, for clinicals i have to wake up at around 4. anyhow, i get home from clinicals and again, tired. i take a nap for about an hour or 2 depending on how busy i am at my clinical site. come dinner, my mother brings dinner home for me, my husband and my grandfather. (we live with my g.father) because when my g.mom passed away, i was afraid he would have an emotional breakdown and pass away. so, anyhow. we all live together. on the weekends, when my husband works, i do housework. 3 loads of laundry, clean, study, and relax.
my husbands schedule, he works 7am -330, and when he comes home, he helps out with some chores etc. doesnt like the fact my mom comes and brings dinner for us, he wants me to cook for him. he likes to organize his music files, pay bills, and thats pretty much it. his income is, tolerable since we dont have to pay rent. apparently hes content with his job, which pays him very little to the point that we will not be able to afford rent till i get a job. he wants kids, i laugh at him for it. he complains that my gpa doesnt talk to him, my gpa is 87 years old. he works, pays the bills, wants to rest not chit chat. when i ask my husband to help me out with moving furniture, cleaning, whatever, "home" related, i get the "sigh" and the "im so tired, i work all week, i just want to relax, can we do this later" excuse. and i say fine. but i know inside, "later" never seems to show up. so i do all the moving myself. i try to keep my 3 story house, organized. so, because i dont "cook" im not being a "dutiful" wife. so, maybe im missing something here?? someone please advise. im having serious issues with this man.

spaghetti · 08-16-2009, 11:40 PM

also, he promised me he was going to attend college, get a better job, do something with his life. i picked him, i know. but i also believed that he would become somewhat ambitious, till i realized that he has no plans on improving his "career". (just found this out 2 nights ago). hes very nice to me, has no girlfriend issues, no partying issues, no women calling him, no porno issues, no womanizing issues, pretty simple guy. but i thought he would atleast want to improve himself, better himself cuz he complains about his job, that he hates it, wants to do something else, etc. etc. etc.

**WildChild** · 08-16-2009, 11:53 PM

What the would you need to be dutiful for? Sounds like a cover word for servile doormat. Personally I do supportive, I do partner, I do caring, I do loving, I do sharing, I don't do dutiful.

What du does he think you need to be full of?

I think he's a bit full of it, but you have to live with you and him. You let him know what you are willing to live with.

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-17-2009, 02:00 AM

Dutiful wife is a hard term to swallow unless there is a dutiful husband term that is used right along side with it. You guys have been together a long time it seems you should discover by now each others strengths and weaknesses in the housekeeping/cooking department.

If your both dislking doing the same things you need to alternate days/weeks or something to share in the stuff neither of you feel like doing.

If he cooks, you clean up after ... vice versa. Do both things together. Seems to me, you both get off work /school giving yourselves plenty of time to spend a couple hours relaxing together... going for a walk , sitting on the porch - just enjoying each others company.

Don't forget to make time to do that, its there, you just have to not let those moments slip by. Team work. If he gets off at 3pm even if he didn't get home til 5... thats a whole lot of evening left over to do something productive, take a class... exercise, do chores, and spend quality time with you.

Even if you got home at 6pm, you still have time to do all of those things as well, I think.

What is your routine like when you get home from school?

**baja** · 08-17-2009, 03:46 PM

I agree, the term "dutiful wife" makes me cringe... nothing good follows those words. Spaghetti, I have noticed that guys who aren't naturally equipped with motivation can sometimes reach a critical threshold with their spouse/SO. E.g. if the wife seems sufficiently career-oriented, upwardly-mobile, aka motivated, then the guy will kick into neutral. Essentially becoming a role-reversal of sorts, where the woman wears the pants and the guy "compromises" his career for family. But worse, some guys will go even further and still expect these "wifely" things to still be performed... basically have their cake and eat it too scenario. As a side-note, I also think that he's taking advantage of your grandfather so that he can coast that much farther in neutral.

If this is indeed the case, your husband is in need of a major wake-up call rivaling the hardest smacks to an old vintage TV set. I believe in relationship equity, balance, fairness and he needs to see that things -- like him -- are getting way out of whack. Time for him to man-up.

**SinisterUrge** · 08-25-2009, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spaghetti

i picked him, i know. but i also believed that he would become somewhat ambitious

Why would you believe a lazy person would suddenly become ambitious?

08-16-2009, 11:36 PM	#1
spaghetti Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Sunny California Posts: 16	can someone please define "dutiful wife" maybe im missing something here. i thougth i was being a "dutiful" wife till my husband pointed out that im not. heres some info on me, i attend VN nursing school, full time. I drive approx. 1.5 hours each way, class starts at 9am-sometime 2,3,4, or 5pm. i come home, and im tired. too tired to cook. this schedule is mon/tues. clinical hours are wed/thurs/fri 6am or 630 till 2 or 230pm. so, for clinicals i have to wake up at around 4. anyhow, i get home from clinicals and again, tired. i take a nap for about an hour or 2 depending on how busy i am at my clinical site. come dinner, my mother brings dinner home for me, my husband and my grandfather. (we live with my g.father) because when my g.mom passed away, i was afraid he would have an emotional breakdown and pass away. so, anyhow. we all live together. on the weekends, when my husband works, i do housework. 3 loads of laundry, clean, study, and relax. my husbands schedule, he works 7am -330, and when he comes home, he helps out with some chores etc. doesnt like the fact my mom comes and brings dinner for us, he wants me to cook for him. he likes to organize his music files, pay bills, and thats pretty much it. his income is, tolerable since we dont have to pay rent. apparently hes content with his job, which pays him very little to the point that we will not be able to afford rent till i get a job. he wants kids, i laugh at him for it. he complains that my gpa doesnt talk to him, my gpa is 87 years old. he works, pays the bills, wants to rest not chit chat. when i ask my husband to help me out with moving furniture, cleaning, whatever, "home" related, i get the "sigh" and the "im so tired, i work all week, i just want to relax, can we do this later" excuse. and i say fine. but i know inside, "later" never seems to show up. so i do all the moving myself. i try to keep my 3 story house, organized. so, because i dont "cook" im not being a "dutiful" wife. so, maybe im missing something here?? someone please advise. im having serious issues with this man.

08-16-2009, 11:53 PM	#3
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,223 Blog Entries: 5	What the would you need to be dutiful for? Sounds like a cover word for servile doormat. Personally I do supportive, I do partner, I do caring, I do loving, I do sharing, I don't do dutiful. What du does he think you need to be full of? I think he's a bit full of it, but you have to live with you and him. You let him know what you are willing to live with. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

08-17-2009, 02:00 AM	#4
Hopeless Dork Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: United States Posts: 1,235	Dutiful wife is a hard term to swallow unless there is a dutiful husband term that is used right along side with it. You guys have been together a long time it seems you should discover by now each others strengths and weaknesses in the housekeeping/cooking department. If your both dislking doing the same things you need to alternate days/weeks or something to share in the stuff neither of you feel like doing. If he cooks, you clean up after ... vice versa. Do both things together. Seems to me, you both get off work /school giving yourselves plenty of time to spend a couple hours relaxing together... going for a walk , sitting on the porch - just enjoying each others company. Don't forget to make time to do that, its there, you just have to not let those moments slip by. Team work. If he gets off at 3pm even if he didn't get home til 5... thats a whole lot of evening left over to do something productive, take a class... exercise, do chores, and spend quality time with you. Even if you got home at 6pm, you still have time to do all of those things as well, I think. What is your routine like when you get home from school? __________________ ------------- Defintion of Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

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08-16-2009, 11:40 PM	#2
spaghetti Junior Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Sunny California Posts: 16	also, he promised me he was going to attend college, get a better job, do something with his life. i picked him, i know. but i also believed that he would become somewhat ambitious, till i realized that he has no plans on improving his "career". (just found this out 2 nights ago). hes very nice to me, has no girlfriend issues, no partying issues, no women calling him, no porno issues, no womanizing issues, pretty simple guy. but i thought he would atleast want to improve himself, better himself cuz he complains about his job, that he hates it, wants to do something else, etc. etc. etc.

08-17-2009, 03:46 PM	#5
baja VIP Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 63	I agree, the term "dutiful wife" makes me cringe... nothing good follows those words. Spaghetti, I have noticed that guys who aren't naturally equipped with motivation can sometimes reach a critical threshold with their spouse/SO. E.g. if the wife seems sufficiently career-oriented, upwardly-mobile, aka motivated, then the guy will kick into neutral. Essentially becoming a role-reversal of sorts, where the woman wears the pants and the guy "compromises" his career for family. But worse, some guys will go even further and still expect these "wifely" things to still be performed... basically have their cake and eat it too scenario. As a side-note, I also think that he's taking advantage of your grandfather so that he can coast that much farther in neutral. If this is indeed the case, your husband is in need of a major wake-up call rivaling the hardest smacks to an old vintage TV set. I believe in relationship equity, balance, fairness and he needs to see that things -- like him -- are getting way out of whack. Time for him to man-up.