husband mentally abusive when drinking

catlover · 08-20-2009, 01:06 AM

Hello,

My husband turns into an unrecognizable person when he drinks. He says horrible things to me, calls me names and says that I am lying when I tell him the next day. Is this considered abuse to where I can have him removed from the home? It has been going on for about 2 years now and I cannot deal with it any longer. I have asked him to leave and he refuses to do so.
Thank you for any input.

**HALFNOTHING** · 08-20-2009, 02:12 AM

I consider that as abuse coz you're hurting.. 2 years is long enough.. give him the last ultimatum and if he won't.. you have to move and do the right thing you think that's better.. obviously, you're not happy with what he's doing, so the decision is all yours...

**GlitterAndStuds** · 08-20-2009, 06:32 AM

Oh wow, I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that. I wouldn't be too happy either. It is abuse, absolutely. If you don't want to be with him anymore and your mind is made up, he can only refuse to move for so long. He can't force you to stay with him. So if he doesn't leave, then you might have to. But Babyriana is right, give him the last ultimatum first and show him that you mean business.

**LanaBear** · 08-20-2009, 09:12 AM

Yes it is considered abuse and yes you can have him removed. You've dealt with it for 2 years, don't put yourself through it any longer. He needs help, it he's unwilling to seek it out, you need to remove yourself from the situation.

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 09:38 AM

Yes you can have him removed! I would also video tape him! Have you tried that? Video tape what he is saying and how he is acting and then show it to him as soon as he gets up in the morning....see I can be an EVILLLLL one! He would wake up tied to a chair and I would force him to watch his own actions...then blast some music as loud as possible to get his attention.
I don't know if he has attended AA before but I would tell him then that if he didn't make a serious change and stop drinking that the next time he drank he would wake up in a police station! The proof of his abuse is enough for both a divorce and to get him out of the house.
I will say though that you are married and you took him for better or for worse. I'm not sure what you have tried or what he has tried...or even if he has tried....
You loved him once, you still love him...he just doesn't love himself right now

catlover · 08-20-2009, 10:49 AM

Thank you for all the replies. There is so much more to this situation and I have to admit that I felt abit intimidated airing my life on line.
Here goes the whole story: In July of 2006 I thought that I had married the most amazing man in the world. The following month he was pulled over for a tail light out on the trailer and taken to jail because of previous warrents that I had no knowledge of. They were for dui's. We went to court in Sept. and he got 1 to 5 years in prison for it being his 4th! He served 1 yr and had 1 yr of parole that I had to drive him to every week, which was a 60 mile round trip. He promised he wouldn't ever drink again.
Well while he was in prison I had bought my mothers home and had to do a ton of remodeling, she had 20 cats, so it was more like gutting. So many of his friends came and did backbreaking work to help me, there were angels everywhere.
This year my mother passed and in her will she wanted my baby sister to have part of the house. She has since moved in and has her own space and doesn't bother anyone. She is very overweight and has many health issues and when he is drunk he calls her it and that thing. I have wanted to take a baseball bat to him.
He works odd jobs with idiot drunks like him and that is only once i awhile. My sister pays half of the bills! I have video taped him and he refuses to watch it. I have locked him out of the house and he has broken the door down. He has been told by me and others about his actions when he is drunk and he still doesn't believe it.
Anyways, he needs to leave because the house is in mine and my sisters names and he has never paid any of the bills. I don't know how to get him out. He has never been physically abusive to me or I would have had grounds to do so. That is why I wondered if mental abuse could be used as grounds for removing him.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me air my feelings and ask for some kind of advice that would help. It does feel good to get a lot of things out in the open.

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 10:58 AM

Yes....mental abuse is grounds but honestly if he is drunk and has had DUI's and has been to jail call when he is drunk....if the cops ask did he threaten you..."WHY YES!!!! YES HE DID OFFICER!!! He is drunk and I am afraid he will not be able to contain himself...I fear for my safety!" then get a restraining order!

If you have done all you can, and want him out this must also mean you want a divorce. Also FYI...he remembers he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because if he did he would have to change. You are giving him a free ride, you have the right to be happy!

**GlitterAndStuds** · 08-20-2009, 11:48 AM

I was JUST about to say what Ahryin just said. It's not that he doesn't believe it or have any recollection of it... he's just in denial and doesn't want to admit he has a problem. And we all know that is the first step to recovery, which he does not want to take. If he really didn't believe it or remember, he wouldn't be so adamant about not seeing what you recorded... By refusing, he can't say you're right.

If the house is in your name, and he's not signed on it anywhere, you have every right to kick him out. Again, it's like what Ahryin said. If it's necessary (and it sounds like it is if you're locking him out and he's breaking back in), you may have to go with the restraining order. Those are pretty easy to get when a person has threatened you and you're married/in a relationship. The state I live in will never grant those if you weren't married, in a relationship, or had a kid with the other person, even if they do threaten.

He is obviously not willing to change, at least not anytime soon. You've dealt with this for too long. It's not fair to you to be taken advantage of... you deserve to come home and not have to walk on eggshells for someone in YOUR home.

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 11:52 AM

Yup...thanks Glitter for agreeing but I think he is taking advantage of you! I think he is enjoying the free ride....lazy summummaBeeesssh!!!

**Ahryin** · 08-20-2009, 12:13 PM

Also can I add that since he doesn't "remember" what happens when he is drunk I would SOOO take advantage of that...which means you don't remember having the candle thrown at you! You don't remember being hit upside the head with the empty plastic pail (only because it still hurts but doesn't leave marks) .. that means he won't remember when you beat him with the broom (sweep his feet its a very bad thing! then sweep the dirt out of the house!) ....He wouldn't remember having his beer switched with hot sauce and pee!!! I would beat him with a belt and when he woke up tell him he came home like that!!!!

08-20-2009, 01:06 AM	#1
catlover Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 4	husband mentally abusive when drinking Hello, My husband turns into an unrecognizable person when he drinks. He says horrible things to me, calls me names and says that I am lying when I tell him the next day. Is this considered abuse to where I can have him removed from the home? It has been going on for about 2 years now and I cannot deal with it any longer. I have asked him to leave and he refuses to do so. Thank you for any input.

08-20-2009, 02:12 AM	#2
HALFNOTHING Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 160	I consider that as abuse coz you're hurting.. 2 years is long enough.. give him the last ultimatum and if he won't.. you have to move and do the right thing you think that's better.. obviously, you're not happy with what he's doing, so the decision is all yours... __________________ Can't help it but to love

08-20-2009, 06:32 AM	#3
GlitterAndStuds Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Snake Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 749 Blog Entries: 1	Oh wow, I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that. I wouldn't be too happy either. It is abuse, absolutely. If you don't want to be with him anymore and your mind is made up, he can only refuse to move for so long. He can't force you to stay with him. So if he doesn't leave, then you might have to. But Babyriana is right, give him the last ultimatum first and show him that you mean business. __________________ I've got to be direct If I'm off please correct You're standing on my neck....

08-20-2009, 09:12 AM	#4
LanaBear Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Moon Lander Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: A cozy little cottage on the moon. :-) Posts: 1,692 Blog Entries: 5	Yes it is considered abuse and yes you can have him removed. You've dealt with it for 2 years, don't put yourself through it any longer. He needs help, it he's unwilling to seek it out, you need to remove yourself from the situation. __________________ Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

08-20-2009, 09:38 AM	#5
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Yes you can have him removed! I would also video tape him! Have you tried that? Video tape what he is saying and how he is acting and then show it to him as soon as he gets up in the morning....see I can be an EVILLLLL one! He would wake up tied to a chair and I would force him to watch his own actions...then blast some music as loud as possible to get his attention. I don't know if he has attended AA before but I would tell him then that if he didn't make a serious change and stop drinking that the next time he drank he would wake up in a police station! The proof of his abuse is enough for both a divorce and to get him out of the house. I will say though that you are married and you took him for better or for worse. I'm not sure what you have tried or what he has tried...or even if he has tried.... You loved him once, you still love him...he just doesn't love himself right now __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

08-20-2009, 10:49 AM	#6
catlover Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 4	Thank you for all the replies. There is so much more to this situation and I have to admit that I felt abit intimidated airing my life on line. Here goes the whole story: In July of 2006 I thought that I had married the most amazing man in the world. The following month he was pulled over for a tail light out on the trailer and taken to jail because of previous warrents that I had no knowledge of. They were for dui's. We went to court in Sept. and he got 1 to 5 years in prison for it being his 4th! He served 1 yr and had 1 yr of parole that I had to drive him to every week, which was a 60 mile round trip. He promised he wouldn't ever drink again. Well while he was in prison I had bought my mothers home and had to do a ton of remodeling, she had 20 cats, so it was more like gutting. So many of his friends came and did backbreaking work to help me, there were angels everywhere. This year my mother passed and in her will she wanted my baby sister to have part of the house. She has since moved in and has her own space and doesn't bother anyone. She is very overweight and has many health issues and when he is drunk he calls her it and that thing. I have wanted to take a baseball bat to him. He works odd jobs with idiot drunks like him and that is only once i awhile. My sister pays half of the bills! I have video taped him and he refuses to watch it. I have locked him out of the house and he has broken the door down. He has been told by me and others about his actions when he is drunk and he still doesn't believe it. Anyways, he needs to leave because the house is in mine and my sisters names and he has never paid any of the bills. I don't know how to get him out. He has never been physically abusive to me or I would have had grounds to do so. That is why I wondered if mental abuse could be used as grounds for removing him. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me air my feelings and ask for some kind of advice that would help. It does feel good to get a lot of things out in the open.

08-20-2009, 10:58 AM	#7
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Yes....mental abuse is grounds but honestly if he is drunk and has had DUI's and has been to jail call when he is drunk....if the cops ask did he threaten you..."WHY YES!!!! YES HE DID OFFICER!!! He is drunk and I am afraid he will not be able to contain himself...I fear for my safety!" then get a restraining order! If you have done all you can, and want him out this must also mean you want a divorce. Also FYI...he remembers he just doesn't want to acknowledge it because if he did he would have to change. You are giving him a free ride, you have the right to be happy! __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

08-20-2009, 11:48 AM	#8
GlitterAndStuds Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Snake Champion! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 749 Blog Entries: 1	I was JUST about to say what Ahryin just said. It's not that he doesn't believe it or have any recollection of it... he's just in denial and doesn't want to admit he has a problem. And we all know that is the first step to recovery, which he does not want to take. If he really didn't believe it or remember, he wouldn't be so adamant about not seeing what you recorded... By refusing, he can't say you're right. If the house is in your name, and he's not signed on it anywhere, you have every right to kick him out. Again, it's like what Ahryin said. If it's necessary (and it sounds like it is if you're locking him out and he's breaking back in), you may have to go with the restraining order. Those are pretty easy to get when a person has threatened you and you're married/in a relationship. The state I live in will never grant those if you weren't married, in a relationship, or had a kid with the other person, even if they do threaten. He is obviously not willing to change, at least not anytime soon. You've dealt with this for too long. It's not fair to you to be taken advantage of... you deserve to come home and not have to walk on eggshells for someone in YOUR home. __________________ I've got to be direct If I'm off please correct You're standing on my neck....

08-20-2009, 11:52 AM	#9
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Yup...thanks Glitter for agreeing but I think he is taking advantage of you! I think he is enjoying the free ride....lazy summummaBeeesssh!!! __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

08-20-2009, 12:13 PM	#10
Ahryin Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: NY Posts: 662 Blog Entries: 4	Also can I add that since he doesn't "remember" what happens when he is drunk I would SOOO take advantage of that...which means you don't remember having the candle thrown at you! You don't remember being hit upside the head with the empty plastic pail (only because it still hurts but doesn't leave marks) .. that means he won't remember when you beat him with the broom (sweep his feet its a very bad thing! then sweep the dirt out of the house!) ....He wouldn't remember having his beer switched with hot sauce and pee!!! I would beat him with a belt and when he woke up tell him he came home like that!!!! __________________ Everything I'm not makes me Everything I am

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