My husband is cruel

**Sandra_does** · 08-25-2009 07:01 PM

Dear Sally, I cry for you as so often I see my peers without a smile on their face. I fear that someday my hubby and I may be the same. It makes me try harder, but can I be sure being able to try harder when I pass thru menopause...?

You have said one thing, Sally, that is most important...you need a friend...actually, you need several friends and begin to think of your own happiness...

You must not get a divorce as long as there is no physical abuse. You must accept that he has changed as much as you but in a different way. You cannot fight fire with fire either and so you must change your tactics or you will lose your self-being and go out of your mind...

He appears to be dominating and controling so do what you have always done as his wife but use more strategy. For instance, give him the silent treatment. This will eat his heart out. When he finally asks why, just tell him you have no reason to respond to insults... You are a person, Sally, and deserving to be someone, but arguing settles nothing...

It matters not if you are not working as you not only worked for his benefit in the past, you also maintained a home, gave birth and maintained his pampering and physical needs also... He doesn't earn enough money to equal all that, so don't forget it...!

Living together apart, is quite common in later years, I have read, so create a new life for yourself without aggravating your situation much worse. It appears he has done this for himself ALREADY...

I suspect you are dependent upon him now and I just wish you will not rush to a divorce. Try to create something between you without arguing...

If says he wants a divorce then it's going to happen so be sure you get a good lawyer that mwill take him to the cleaners...

Please, Sally, divorce is wrong, so try to make the marriage work in a different way...

I will pray for you Sally...

Sandra_does...

**Mustang Sally** · 08-25-2009 11:57 PM

Each of you have given me a boost of self worth and assurance. My main problem is that I have been told that I must have both of my knees replaced. Since he is not supportive, my concern is that I will not have transportation to the doctors office after the procedures are done. That will leave me in a bind to have them done one at a time but I am going to do it!!!!! I am going to lose some weight and get on my bike and take off!!!One thing that upsets him is that when I quit my job I pulled my profit share money and paid all my bills off. My car, motorcycle, motorhome, everything I own is paid for. But he is still paying for his truck, bike and the house. But I knew that if I paid his bike off he would just go buy a second bike. He sometimes throws it up to me that my things are paid for and he is still making payments. OH WELL, the H__ _ _ with him!!!!!

**Mustang Sally** · 08-26-2009 12:12 AM

Sandra you are right, two wrongs don't make it right and I am continuing to get up every morning to make his lunch for work, I clean house, cook supper and keep his laundry done but I do retreat to the bedroom when he gets home. I have 3 Yorkies and we just disappear to the back part of the house. I am going to harden my heart and -have the h_ _ _ with him attitude in order to make some kind of life for myself. If my disability does not come through, (each of you please pray that it does) I will have no choice but to go back to work because he will not give me any spending money but I will be ok, You, Ladies, have given me hope and determination to succeed.

At one time he was a loving attentive man, but now he treats a waitress much nicer than he treats me. Last weekend he went out to eat and did not even tell me he was going or ask me to go. So I am going to start slipping money a little at a time so I can get out of this house some.

I have gone on sites where I would never receive a response to my post but you ladies are wonderful and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!

**Joy** · 08-26-2009 05:02 AM

don't harden your heart it will only age you.... instead love yourself more in spite of it all.

**OhThereYouAre** · 08-27-2009 07:30 AM

Have you asked him what's up?

Just curious as to what his explanation may be.

**WildChild** · 08-27-2009 07:40 AM

[quote=Mustang Sally;106690]
At one time he was a loving attentive man, but now he treats a waitress much nicer than he treats me. Last weekend he went out to eat and did not even tell me he was going or ask me to go.

quote]

I've dealt with this before and seen it happen in other's relationships. It's very hurtful, but you have to communicate with him about it. He sounds like he is really POd about something and has withdrawn. If it is about the fact that you paid off your debt, you need to talk about it, make a plan for him to start getting his paid off.

How long have you been married? Are your children, his?

**Hopeless Dork** · 08-27-2009 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by Sandra_does

You must not get a divorce as long as there is no physical abuse.

I disagree. The scars from the pain of emotional abuse can burn as deep or deeper than physical and don't fade any easier.

Who would pick a roomate that's a jerk, that is mean and cruel and makes you feel bad about yourself. Why have that roomate forever if you don't want to, if you exhaust all resources trying to make it work. I am not saying run out and divorce. I am saying you shouldnt blindly stay and hurt forever. I am saying roomate because if they are not exhibiting any husband like qualities that is essentially what they are.

**Fallen1** · 08-27-2009 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by Sandra_does

You must not get a divorce as long as there is no physical abuse. You must accept that he has changed as much as you but in a different way. You cannot fight fire with fire either and so you must change your tactics or you will lose your self-being and go out of your mind...

I have to say I disagree. I was in an 18 year marriage that was emotionally abusive. It got to the point that the emotional abuse was making me physically sick. When it got to the point that I spent most of my time in bed because of it I knew it was time to get out.

I agree that divorce seems rampant these days and it's seems to become the "easy way" out of problems but there is just a point to where enough is enough. You can't make a situation work if only one party is willing to try and from what I've read he seems as though he doesn't care to try.

But I will say that if the OP hasn't even tried to communicate/talk with him that would be a good place to start - see what he has to say and go from there.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-27-2009 03:54 PM

Fallen1

It got to the point that the emotional abuse was making me physically sick. When it got to the point that I spent most of my time in bed because of it I knew it was time to get out.

But I will say that if the OP hasn't even tried to communicate/talk with him that would be a good place to start - see what he has to say and go from there.
__________________

MustangSally, you mention that you used all your monies paying off all your things and he still has to pay off his bike, house etc... and your married.

I agree totally with Fallen1 and as to the whys, ABUSE IS ABUSE, don't care how anyone else wants to look at it... and should not be tolerated it only gets you to the point of retreating to your bedroom, as you have, as Fallen1 did, as I did and then the inevitiable, leaving... which only a strong women can do.

In my opinion..

Back on the finances. I get the impression this is the reason why you have spent a year with no love, maybe when it all started...

Can, I ask you, as a married couple prior to this and when you worked, did you both contribute to all the bills equally?

I ask this because I have stated my situation was so simular to yours right down to the motorbike runs.. eggshells, emotional, verbal abuse however, we had seperate bank accounts, (his choice), however, I paid for his motorbike, extentions, renovations, holidays, and he bought me a motorbike helmet, true story lol... And, I have to say as time went on and I realised that I was contributing 10 fold and he never did, not even a dinner, i turned against loving him... I felt betrayed... used... financially...

I am just curious as to whether you were equal at some point, ( unlike me) and it was only recently you fended for yourself and paid everything off or whether you did this when your relationship was still strong, okay, and you both shared paying for things equally.

CW

**Mustang Sally** · 08-30-2009 05:39 PM

Hi CW,

When we first got togther I paid almost everything. I advised him that I was needing help paying the bills because it had become more than my income could handle. He did not care, he went about his business as usual and I started robbing peter to pay paul and it finally caught up with me. I was behind on most of my personal bills. So when I left work I used my profit sharing to pay off all my personal bills so he would not have to pay them. I also gave him some money and I don't know what he did with it. I know that his problem is that now he is doing what I was doing (paying the bills) he don't like it. That is why he is demanding that I go back to work. I have a motorhome and he wants me to sale it and pay off some of his bills. I asked him which ones and his reply was his motorcycle and others. But if I do that we will just go buy another motorcycle and keep the one he has so I told him that if I do he can not go back in debt for another one.. he said "if I am working and want another motorcycle, I will buy it!" So why should I sale my paid for motorhome for him to go in debt for another motorcycle>>>> I now believe he married me because I had a good paying job and he saw dollar signs. I tried to show some kindness to him and he still was snappy and mean. I asked him to go to a family birthday dinner we my yesterday and he refused. I am just at my last thread, and it is breaking~~~~

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