The Good, The Bad and ..yeah.

**baja** · 08-28-2009 06:28 PM

I agree, I think the stress, fatigue and his past is coming down on him in a mental perfect storm. If he truly dealt with "a massive amount of death on a daily basis for over 7 years, most of which involved women and children" and also has a photographic memory, then he's able to virtually re-live these horrible experiences over and over in complete detail. He needs help before he completely shuts down.

**WildChild** · 08-28-2009 07:13 PM

Do a search on Dr Leo Galland, he is a pioneer in integrated medicine and is the leader in specialization in PTSD. You won't likely be able to afford his services and I'd guess he is booked solid months in advance but there are doctors who have trained with him there should be a list or something on his web site. Your husband needs to see a doctor who is really trained in this- very few are.

Living in an apt has probably made this a tougher situation, he probably needs some space, a room that is "his". Having spent so much time on his own, that retreat would be a big help. Any chance of getting a larger place rather than 2 places?

You should consider that his moving out may be a way of protecting you and your children. If he is essentially demon haunted by his experiences he may be afraid of losing control some time. It does sound like he has some serious issues that must be dealt with. Any chance that his former employer has a program he could access?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-28-2009 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by baja

I agree, I think the stress, fatigue and his past is coming down on him in a mental perfect storm. If he truly dealt with "a massive amount of death on a daily basis for over 7 years, most of which involved women and children" and also has a photographic memory, then he's able to virtually re-live these horrible experiences over and over in complete detail. He needs help before he completely shuts down.

I totally agree with baja.

You say "self medicated" what do you mean by that?

He sounds maticulous as well with work, and the stress of his past, coupled with the stress being placed on him now in this job, is far too much for him.

Is there anyway you can reverse the situation and enable him to work less in a mundane job, so that he can heal more and start to get himself on track... That being by you obtaining a second job or a better job, or does he have to work in order in this particular profession, in order to stay in America..

CW

**Gahzilla** · 08-29-2009 04:16 AM

WC- I have suggested on many, many occasions that we should purchase a house with a getaway area for him - computer, chairs, a bed, telly and the Xbox 360 for when he is in this particular state of mind. He absolutely, 100% refuses every single time. He wants to live in apartments, not a house. Odd - my exhusband said the same exact thing to me back in the day, then he got remarried and bought a house immediately. I don't have a fear of commitment, but perhaps the people I have been married to have/had a fear of commitment to me?

His past employer - due to the delicacy of the situation they were working with - apparently had him sign a 300-400 page waiver stating that he was never to discuss what he saw or face life in prison as contempt. How true that really is, I don't know. I would need to discuss it with a few of his ex workmates to check. I am very certain they offered therapy for these employees that worked in this particular department, but he is against therapy (which sucks for marriage therapy, it will not happen due to his stubbornness). He smoked a ton of pot while he was over there to cope with his trauma.

CW - He smoked pot, hash etc to cope. Most of the people in his department were either very mentally stable, past members of the French Foreign Legion, ex SAS members, complete boozehounds or stoned on a bi-daily basis. He is here on a Marriage Visa, just received his conditions removed on permanent residency. He has to wait a year then can get naturalized.

He won't let me submit his resume to my recruiter for a better paying, less stress position. Essentially, anything that can be fixed, he seems to want broken, if that makes sense. We as a couple have never fought - save one time when he became extremely overpowering while disciplining my son. I had to jump in before he snapped. This is when I learned that a mother has 0 fear haha! He never went to that place again mentally after I got done with him

I've always sensed a non-genuine, plasticness deeper embedded in his psyche when he's talked to me, looked at me, been physical etc. I didn't really pay it too much mind, but now, after talking and gaining a bit of insight from others, it really bothers the heck out of me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-29-2009 04:30 AM

Honey, you have your head screwed on the right way.

But, you have a man whom has very, very, deep issues, pot, hash, overpowering whilst disciplining your son, stoned, drugged out, it's all denial.

He won't accept therapy, so you have to comprehend, he is in his world now, what he saw destroyed him... You can't change that, he won't change that, he won't get help.

I know of people that smoke that stuff 6 times a day and so want to stop, they say, all it does now is nothing, and it makes them tired, and sleep and they don't want out of life.

Your man works, that is what he knows, he did it before, and his job more than likely was very "regiment" and this job is too and so that is what he knows.

But the ghosts are real.. They are they daily and his thoughts of dope will allow him not to think at all, he will just be... and so he continues.

It is deeply embedded in his psyche.

And, this is sad, but a case of if I am right, your strong, you have balls and you thought you could change him...

Smart people can do that.

Not if there's no point of return.

He's there. There is / was no point of return.

I am sorry...

CW

**Gahzilla** · 08-29-2009 04:54 AM

I was thinking that as well, he's at the point of no return. What if he comes back until the end of this lease, then just up and vanishes? How do I deal with everything then? It's a false sense of security that I refuse to accept. For my sanity and the safety of my children, I honestly don't think I want to be patient and understanding and allow him to come in and silently kill everything we have strived for.

He hasn't touched pot in years - that I know of. Like I posted in the WoW thread, he and I played together for a good deal of time. He was heavily involved, but dropped it like a hot potato once he got promoted and had to work nights. I asked him if he wanted me to quit, I would have no problem with it. He said no, he knew I really enjoyed the game and my RL friends in the game etc, keep playing. I don't talk to him about the game at all, and really play maybe 1-2 hours a day AFTER I get everything else done ( housework, work, kids, dishes, schoolwork etc.) as a treat for ME.

I can't be what he wants or needs - and what ever in the world that is I have NO idea. Some experts say to start fresh, deny the desire to want to walk out or believe that the marriage is over, force them into a corner of acceptance, never face your issues and work them out etc. But I am the kind of person that wants to know both sides of the issue and solve the problem immediately. I'm patient when it comes to resolution and wait and see deals, but this is too much. I have eviction pending if he doesn't change his stance quick. I have a ton riding on him. And he doesn't prove to follow through. He was supposed to text me last night about today (I need the car to get clothes for my kids and some money to pay rent with) and I have not heard from him at all. Hence, why I am up at 5am central time posting. I can't sleep, I am stressed out to the maximum allowance, and I am trying to figure out how I will pack the few things I need, take his name off everything, get out and leave him with this apartment burden.

I can't take one more broken promise. They have broken me.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-29-2009 05:08 AM

I trully feel for you...

Your mind is muddled though.. You, yourself have gone into survival mode.. Excepting you can't see.

Do me a favour say stuff it just for one night... Ignore it all.. Just sleep then tomorrow wake up refreshed and seriously answer your questions...

You are caught up at the moment and you need time out to seriously answer your questions and think....

He is not going to answer them for you, unfortunately, your on your own.. He has no guilt or desire to help you out of anything, he's wallowing in self pity and you don't exist.

So, in order for you to "get there" you have no choice but to have a clear head, not sleeping and it's 5am is silly.. in the scheme of things...

You have to stand on your own, being that... What is the answer, now that your alone?

Sleep...

CW

**Gahzilla** · 08-30-2009 05:19 AM

I slept - well, the best I could considering I have a nasty cold and my nose is stuffed up and I'm a nosebreather

I'll probably crash in a little bit, I'd love to buy some meds but alas - no money!

I spent some time talking to my sister - who has had a nightmare of a situation with her exhusband. She is also a psych nurse (over 20 years). She believes along the same lines as CW, he is at a point mentally where there is no turning back. Even if he comes back, it would be temporary, as this is how the cycle goes.

I watched House with my daughter last night, talked with my son about what was going on in his life, held the cat, laughed, and didn't speak or think about what was going on. It was a nice night. We all needed that evening. We are all tired of the drama and the BS.

I fell for a man I believed was genuine, was completely unlike my prior husband. I stuck with him while he moped around the house for 3 months on FMLA, unpaid, while I worked 45 hours a week, then came home to do laundry, clean, cook, take care of the kids. I walked in on him while he was talking bad about me to some of my friends. I hold the phone in my name that he uses and refuses to let me look at. I sense a lot of fear, guilt and turmoil in the man. He holds the car hostage as though it is some big prize. What is odd is that the insurance is only under my name - they wouldn't insure him at all - and even though both our names are on the account, since I am primary, I have rights to the car. I'm legally required to have it due to custodial reasons. But as you've said, he's stuck within the vortex of himself. I have to quit school out of hardship due to all of this.

This is NOT who I fell in love with hopelessly 5 years ago. This is not the same man I craved every night, loved every day regardless. This is someone altogether different, someone I cannot allow myself near. The respect, decency, priorities are out the window.

I'm just glad I have no children by him. It will make my life a ton easier when all this is finally over. Is it wrong I'm actually looking forward to the end? haha

**WildChild** · 08-30-2009 08:38 AM

Sounds like it's time to get tough, you hold all the cards. What made him what he is isn't your responsibility, you can't fix him, he doesn't want help. You have kids and there are no second chances there, Your Kids Come First.
If immigration finds out you are living separately that may be the end of his application. All you know about his past is what he has told you. How do you know he wasn't let go for emotional instability? Or substance abuse? You don't really know anything except what he choses to tell.

Is his name on the car? Are you talking about a cell phone? If it's a cell and under your name, you can go online and see all the call records, you can password the account (mine is double passworded) so he can't access records or alter the service. You can cut him off if you want to.
Talk with your insurance agent, it he isn't insured he shouldn't be driving the car at all, they may have some ideas on that. Report the car as stolen, you don't know where it is and don't have access to it. Essentially he has stolen it, especially since he can't legally be insured. Does he have a vaild, legal license?

Change the locks, your manager can do that in minutes ( I insist on doing so if a tenant tells me they are having issues like this - I don't want it going down on my turf). Change banks, explain to the current bank that you have separated and that you don't know where he is to get him to sign to close the account. He's not depositing but could still do withdrawls. You don't need to have your pay in one minute and out the next.

Start taking action to portect yourself, your assets and your kids. You don't know what is going on with him or what he might do. Cover yourself every way you can. Talk to a lawyer.

**Gahzilla** · 08-30-2009 09:11 AM

I talked to my local police about the car, they said that if paperwork hasn't been filed on it then legally he can still use the car. My concern is that A- it's not parked at night where the insurance company will cover any damage and B- what if he decides that totaling it to keep it from me is a good idea? Well, granted... if he did that then I could get a cheaper car lol buuut it's the thought behind it. He's not too rational therefore I don't want to speculate about what he will and will not do. Anything is possible at this point.

I have a question about the apartment deal, since you stated you deal with tenants. I want to switch apartments to a smaller size but they are telling me that to do that would cost me about 1000$. I wanted to save maybe 300 or so a month but can't afford 1k at all!

I'll be making a call to INS tomorrow to talk to them about his intentions etc. There have been some very er... detrimental things... that have come to light post marriage/pre immigration that at first I really didn't think too much about, but in the situation we are in currently, and the evolution of said situation, it's making a ton of sense. He played his cards SAFE until he got the conditions removed. And he was really nervous until he got that letter. I found out that he owes a nice sized debt back in Holland (american equivalent of 150k) that he was going to be arrested for 2 DAYS BEFORE HE CAME HERE. I'm not sure how immigration missed that one, but it's huge in my eyes. Then he said we had been having major marriage issues for 18 months prior to him bringing up divorce the first time (back in april), but maybe he was having issues and never ever decided to communicate them with me, because I thought everything was hunkey dorey!

My best friend/ex sis in law (lol how weird is that) is ready to drive me up to his work and take the car back. She said to get a new key made, change the keyfob frequency and get a Club. He's "supposed" to give me the remainder of the money for rent, but we're all doubting that will happen. I'm honestly not even counting on it. He was mad that the rent took up his entire check - I told him it did every single month.

He is only listed as has Access to my bank account, but is not listed as a partner ON the bank account. So, technically, he doesn't have a bank account. I will call up to one of the Wal-Mart branches and have them look everything up today when my sinuses don't make me sound like a mutated Elmer Fudd.

I'm waiting essentialy until this friday to Layeth the Smacketh Downeth. He doesn't have online access to any of my accounts - not on the phone, not on the bank, car loan etc. I am primary on the car loan, but I think I can have him removed, I know that according to the bank, if he wants to keep the car he has to refinance it in his own name.

I will also talk to an attorney and try to work out payments or something. As I've said, I only work part time at Burger King currently, am waiting to hear on a full time cleaning job nearby. Can't do much without a car.

It may be time to talk to ... my dad. UGH. This will kill him. He and my stepmom will be shellshocked. I hate that, they aren't young, but I know my stepmom will be out for blood, she's a meanie!

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