cloverleaf

Hi I'm new to computers so bear with me. I don't know where to start.....I'll be married 9 years in Sept. Knew him for 5 years ( friends with benefits) prior to marriage. In the early years of our marriage, he spent alot of time away so I could go to school for three years. Then the nature of work took him away ( electrical apprentice) so he could complete his hours. Our marriage was strong and made for many sweet reunions.

I have two children form a previous relationship, and he has loved them like his own. My son started having mental problems in Grade four which made for stressful famly life.My daughter is the opposite, great socially etc, a polar opposite to my boy. He was finally DX'd with NVLD and adjustment disorder with depressed mood (my son), which made him prne to bullying. Looking back now, my husband started becoming more irritable at that time, we spent many long months with Psychiatrists and counselling for my son, always seeming to struggle with how best to discipline without damaginging him over the longterm, how to help him get through school, how to respond to bullies etc. My husband's choice of punishment was always yelling.

Over the years, my husband has become more and more verbally abusive towards my son, despite knowing full well his abilities, and limitations. At the same time, my husband was having trouble finding work, so we decided as a family to move accross Canada, thinking that the lack of work was the cause of his crabbiness. I found employment immediatley, but my husband became picky as to where he was to work. We settled in a small town where my work was, my husband eventually found employment but was 1.5 hr drive away. We stayed there two years, my husband's mood became worse, he was constantly harrassing both my kids. I confronted him about it and he attributed his behaviour to the long drives and stress from commuting. So... we ended up moving again closer to his work. His abusive verbal behaviour slowed initially, but became even worse. He continued to target my son, and admitted to yelling more when I wasn't home ( I work 12hr shifts fulltime.) I told him he needed to go to counselling,or I would have to leave. I was so afraid to go to work, It made me physically sick. As a result, I'm a very old and tired, overweight 37yr old, who like most women, put's everyone else's needs before her's. I always feel like I need to be home to mediate and be the peacemaker.

My husband agreed to go to counselling, I had to make the appointments for him, he procrastinated for a long time , making excuses so I eventually did it for him. My husbands rapid changes in mood from happy to fury in turn has caused my now 15yr old son to become more and more depressed, as a healthcare worker, I know the suicidal statistics on teens. I';m confused because my husband has been good with me, he is essentially a big kid, but I've long since come to terms with that. Our sex life as always been great. Our marriage lacks intimacy, and I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells so I don't trigger a blow up that my son will receive the brunt of. My husband did go to a counsellor, but I'm not sure how truthful he was, he told me she said there was nothing wrong with him. He said he would go see another counsellor, but never has. I feel like he's ignoring the problem, he shuts down completely when I try to talk about it, and now, when I hear him yelling, I intervene. I've grown a set of balls and now we argue. Since then I've been in touch with a marital counsellor. We have yet to go, and I'm not sure if he really want's to go.

I don't want to give up on my marriage, but now I'm developing alot of resentment because he's trying to make me choose between my kids and him. Now, I know I'm probably over protective when it comes to my son, but I feel that he has so many obsticals, and people who are mean to him because he looks normal, taht he needs at least one safe haven to feel loved. Any advice???????? Sometimes I just want to give up, this has driven a wedge between me and my husband to the point that I think he just wants out but too afraid to tell me.

WildChild

I've been here. My most rescent ex was very resentful of my son and while he occasionally was good with him, he became less and less so. He was a big man and very intimidating. He was ok with my daughter (he has a daughter). He was chronically in and out of work and in poor health. I got berrated for not working fulltime but everytime I came home one or both of my kids were in tears over some absolute nothing that the man had blown into a big deal. He would go for hours even days about something. Especially when they were younger, I just wasn't comfortable leaving them with him. I should have left years before I did, I was so determined that this time I would make it work.

You can't force it.
Plain and simple you don't get second chances with your kids or their childhood. If you leave and devote the few more years of their childhoods to creating a healthier environment you will have many, many years available to be in a relationship with a man. Your son is 15, you don't have a lot of time left to correct this for him and help all of you heal from the results of your choice to stay in this negative situation.

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We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

LanaBear

I agree with WC, you're kids need to be the high priority here and need to be in the healthiest environment possible. They grow fast and you only have one shot at it.

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Sometimes life isn't the party we hoped for, but since we're here, we might as well DANCE!

cloverleaf

Thanks, I guess I've always known deep down, it just seems so impossible to do. I'm really glad I found this forum, you all are so great, I don't feel alone anymore. My kids are so great, It's time I've only thought of them.