need some advice

stepmom13 · 08-31-2009, 11:30 AM

after 14 years of being married, im not happy. I try to tell myself things will change... My hubby has never been the sweet type, he can be verbally abrasive, not disrespectful. But what he doesn't realize that in doing so, he takes away the attraction i once had for him with every word. I have been there for him through thick and thin, problem stepchild, the birth of our own child. Being the caregiver when he wasn't working and above all putting up with his inattentivness when it comes to intimacy. I find myself more often feeling alone, pulling away from him. Yes he does take care of his financial obligations. I believe that being a parent you must speak with your child about the right and wrongs out there in the world, he believes that they will find out soon enough dont say anything. I cannot do that, if my child asks me a question i give it(brutal honesty). i am a liberated woman i have all my life taken care of myself and my parents coveted me about things when i was a tween. i only want whats best for our child. i find myself staying only because i dont want to shock our child, and our child is starting to realize how unhappy i really am. at the moment our house debt is more than its worth, so i would literally be walking away from our home with nothing.
i dont want to live the rest of my life feeling unloved, unwanted and un appreciated. i am currently involuntarily celibate. i feel so unwanted -i am an attractive, loving warm soul. i feel as if i am wasting the best years of my life staying married to him. There's no passion. I did speak to him about this 3 years ago, things did seem to get better, but we are back at square one again- i am usually this happy go lucky person, but i find myself often saddened about spending the future with him. just think when they to college all you have left is each other. If i feel this way now whats to become? Any advice ladies?

Walker · 08-31-2009, 07:41 PM

How was it before marriage? Would he and you be willing to go to couples counseling?
It might be work it since you have children together.
Sounds like you want him to be different. I totally understand what you want, but is he missing anything from you? You should talk with him and see where he is at as well.
Good luck.

laurabeth · 09-08-2009, 01:24 AM

I agree that counseling is a great first step. It might be best to start on your own for now. There are counseling options available that charged based on your income, so it wouldn't break the bank. Or there are options through different religious organizations.

For me, I wouldn't want to leave my marriage or break up my family until I know that I've tried everything I can reasonably try to make it work. After that, I would move on and try to not look back.

But I also think that you're not doing yourself or your child any favors by staying in a relationship that is this miserable. Your kid learns more from watching you and living with you than by what you say. Actions speak so much louder than words on every level.

If you're waiting for a time when it will be easier to leave, it will never come. What you have to decide is what's right and what is wrong for you and your child right now.

Again, counseling (just some guidance, direction, a sounding board) is a great place to start.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-12-2009, 03:35 AM

14 years is along time...

You are two completely different people in essense, you are a giver, he is a taker, you are staying for your child, I have heard that so many times.

I don't know how old you are but you are clearly not happy and the thing you don't understand is that it does show and your child knows this..

We live once and that's it.. .In this life.

He is more than likely not abrasive, rather abusive with his words...

You need to firstly tell him how you honestly feel... If it means nothing to him then find the courage to get out there and start again, regardless of you have nothing...

Your stuck in a rut you can't get out of unless you mention it..

And, if that doesn't work, then sure you could try councelling but only if he wants the marriage to work.. If he blows it off.

Remember, we live once..

Go and find you and be happy and start now, whist in this marriage, get out there and re-connect with friends, family, hobbies, things that bring you back to what you want, you...

CW

08-31-2009, 11:30 AM	#1
stepmom13 Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 9	need some advice after 14 years of being married, im not happy. I try to tell myself things will change... My hubby has never been the sweet type, he can be verbally abrasive, not disrespectful. But what he doesn't realize that in doing so, he takes away the attraction i once had for him with every word. I have been there for him through thick and thin, problem stepchild, the birth of our own child. Being the caregiver when he wasn't working and above all putting up with his inattentivness when it comes to intimacy. I find myself more often feeling alone, pulling away from him. Yes he does take care of his financial obligations. I believe that being a parent you must speak with your child about the right and wrongs out there in the world, he believes that they will find out soon enough dont say anything. I cannot do that, if my child asks me a question i give it(brutal honesty). i am a liberated woman i have all my life taken care of myself and my parents coveted me about things when i was a tween. i only want whats best for our child. i find myself staying only because i dont want to shock our child, and our child is starting to realize how unhappy i really am. at the moment our house debt is more than its worth, so i would literally be walking away from our home with nothing. i dont want to live the rest of my life feeling unloved, unwanted and un appreciated. i am currently involuntarily celibate. i feel so unwanted -i am an attractive, loving warm soul. i feel as if i am wasting the best years of my life staying married to him. There's no passion. I did speak to him about this 3 years ago, things did seem to get better, but we are back at square one again- i am usually this happy go lucky person, but i find myself often saddened about spending the future with him. just think when they to college all you have left is each other. If i feel this way now whats to become? Any advice ladies?

09-12-2009, 03:35 AM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH WH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Australia Posts: 9,927 Blog Entries: 7	14 years is along time... You are two completely different people in essense, you are a giver, he is a taker, you are staying for your child, I have heard that so many times. I don't know how old you are but you are clearly not happy and the thing you don't understand is that it does show and your child knows this.. We live once and that's it.. .In this life. He is more than likely not abrasive, rather abusive with his words... You need to firstly tell him how you honestly feel... If it means nothing to him then find the courage to get out there and start again, regardless of you have nothing... Your stuck in a rut you can't get out of unless you mention it.. And, if that doesn't work, then sure you could try councelling but only if he wants the marriage to work.. If he blows it off. Remember, we live once.. Go and find you and be happy and start now, whist in this marriage, get out there and re-connect with friends, family, hobbies, things that bring you back to what you want, you... CW __________________ Do we not realise that in order to find a soul It doesn't happen over night if truth were to be told Like everything in life that's hard to achieve you must believe! Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

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08-31-2009, 07:41 PM	#2
Walker Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 3	How was it before marriage? Would he and you be willing to go to couples counseling? It might be work it since you have children together. Sounds like you want him to be different. I totally understand what you want, but is he missing anything from you? You should talk with him and see where he is at as well. Good luck.

09-08-2009, 01:24 AM	#3
laurabeth Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Wyoming Posts: 3	I agree that counseling is a great first step. It might be best to start on your own for now. There are counseling options available that charged based on your income, so it wouldn't break the bank. Or there are options through different religious organizations. For me, I wouldn't want to leave my marriage or break up my family until I know that I've tried everything I can reasonably try to make it work. After that, I would move on and try to not look back. But I also think that you're not doing yourself or your child any favors by staying in a relationship that is this miserable. Your kid learns more from watching you and living with you than by what you say. Actions speak so much louder than words on every level. If you're waiting for a time when it will be easier to leave, it will never come. What you have to decide is what's right and what is wrong for you and your child right now. Again, counseling (just some guidance, direction, a sounding board) is a great place to start.