Thread: Chat room mistresses

He rushes down the stairs first thing in the morning to chat and see naked pictures of these girls??
He's "toned it down" a bit since you have told him that it bothers you??

I'm not sure how you actually, rationally, intellectually discuss something of this matter with a guy that is this way?? You mean to tell me that you have to tell him that this is inappropriate....he doesn't realize this himself?? What is wrong with him??

It's great that you've come up with some reasons as to the recent problems that he has encountered in his life lately to try and explain this behaviour to yourself (?)

Your not his mother, if he can't come to the conclusion on his own that this is not right....then I'd start packing his bags!

it's easy to judge someone else's life when you are on the outside looking in. But it's harder when you are here and you are head over heels in love with this person who for over ten years treated you the way you deserved to be treated.

i'm not making excuses, but he doesn't run down in the morning to look at naked pictures lol, he brought up the topic not me, he has only been online once talking to his mom since we talked at the first of the week. i'm not stupid, i am going to watch my back. but i am unwilling to throw away a very good long marriage over a rough patch without seriously considering all of the ramifications. people give up so easily now. our marriage is worth fighting for, and believe me he is showing me that he wants to fight for it too.

i truly appreciate everyone's thoughts as it gives me perspective and i am certainly in no position to discount what any of you have said. bottom line i love my family, i love my life, i love my husband and i want to see if WE can make it work. and at least i will have tried

thank you everyone i truly do appreciate your thoughts

It is bad enough if a spouse if chatting sexually online with someone else. In my book, I consider that cheating. But if it is with someone that he actually knows and interacts with in the real world, all kinds of warning bells start going off!

If I was in your shoes, I think I would insist on the chatting stopping completely. But if you don't want to go that far, at least insist that you be allowed to sit with him while he chats or at least archive the chats so you can look at them later. If there is nothing sneaky going on, then he shouldn't mind right? He may claim that you are invading his privacy but I don't think such privacy exists when it comes to spouses having sexually explicit conversations with other women!

Certainly the most important thing is taking steps to protect your marriage. But at the same time, there might be something to be learned from these conversations as well. What is your hubbie getting out of them that you could perhaps provide instead?

I caught my hubbie a while back heavily involved in chats with an online mistress. Fortunately in our case, this woman was on the other side of the country and it never went beyond the online chat. But she was very much a dominant 'mistress' in their chats and I discovered a need that my husband had that he had never been able to vocalize previously. We made some changes both in the way we interact sexually and also in our overall relationship to reflect this need of his and we are both so much happy as a result. So while I still am upset that his chatting ever occured, there was at least some good that came out of it.

Update: Things here at Chez Starrloch are going good. Thanks Susanna, I have "listened"(?) in on his conversations and he has included me on things they talk about if he hears from them if I am not there. I think that our fights about it and our talking and doing things differently as you suggested ;-) are working for us too. We are getting along really well and he is rarely in the chat room anymore. Once a week or so sometimes when i'm there and i have noticed that he does try to talk normally to this one girl and she tries to keep twisting it around to something sexual. I think he fancies himself a bit of a therapist as she has opened up and told him things about her past that she supposedly didn't tell anyone and now he has seen a different side of her and sees that she is trying to manipulate him a bit.

And the great news is that his work is being moved to Asia, so his team is being let go. I know I shouldn't be happy that he is losing his job (or that more jobs are moving overseas) but I can't help but be ecstatic that he is leaving that slag infested hole!

Overall I am still cautious (trying not to be sneaking down to see what he is doing is hard!, and sometimes I still do) and have never caught him compromised. So I am thinking that things are feeling better for him as well. OUr weekend away was nice and my parents have taken our sweetpea for a weekend since so we could go out for a nice dinner.

Today is turkey day and we have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays to all my Canadian freinds. And Happy October 10th to all my American friends ... lol!

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. It helps being able to 'talk' to all of you. :-)