cheating husband

**mamadrama** · 09-14-2009 02:07 PM

Tell me please. I have been with my husband 12 years now. Last week I found out he cheated on me with a man. He has depression issues and has not been himself these last few weeks. he is not on the correct medication yet, we are still searching. He says he is not physically connected with this man but more on an emotional level. They both have things in common like their grandfathers passing away. My husband is very stressed out due to many issues. He hated his job and has been off work for almost a year due to a back injury. He has been in a lot of pain. We have 3 busy, busy children that are very stressful at times. We have fallen in to some monotony, which I know but when you are so busy, I feel like I can't stop my life while I figure out how to change things up a bit. He has past issues like he told me this weekend he hates himself, doesnt love himself, and thinks hes unattractive. He needs counseling bad! But here is the other thing. I found out he cheated, laying naked with a man and kissing. I told him I would try to work things out with him if he would call him and end it. He now tells me he cant do that and is not ready. He tells me he is not gay. He says I am the only woman ever for him. He loves me and my children. He says this is a phase, he feels numb, he has no heart. He wants both lives together and I cant do that. I love him to death and I cant share him. help me i dont know what to do.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-14-2009 05:48 PM

He's married.

He cannot have both lives... He is married.

If he has back problems and in alot of pain, his self worth has deteriated. He more than likely is going through depression, not a phase... When you lose the ability to move and do things that are "normal" in life, and are more bed ridden, you feel you've lost your youth, sex drive, and then there's the pain.

I don't get "I'm not gay", no amount of depression in my opinion turns someone to the opposite sex unless ,they were always atrracted to them to start with... Here a male can give him pleasure and he doesn't have to perform, hurt his back... perhaps it's physcological but I don't know.

Through this pain, have you two been intimate? And, if so the only way they can handle it is on the side, which still hurts, or you on top.. Perhaps he's missing something.

Has the finances been very strained? 3 children, no job on his behalf...

He needs councelling to get over the depression and even perhaps tablets to help him through, polities to help strengthen the disks and support to help him believe that he's still all that.

I am gaining the impression your stating " I have 3 busy kids, I don't have time for him, he's another kid at present".....

That will make him go more into depression, feeling un-loved.

Look also at what support, understanding you are providing to him, your husband.

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-14-2009 07:44 PM

Most guys that are not "gay" or don't consider themselves to be that mess with men... Its sexual. Bj's in a dirty bookstorr that sort of thing they say its just for the sexual realease no attraction no emotions.

Your husbands opposite situation throws me for a loop. I've never heard of a guy that feels romance for another man yet consider himself totally straight.

You are right to not intend on sharing him regardless of the other persons sex.

You must be so confused and my heart goes out to you. Marriage counseling is in order here.

Being jobless, injured likely feeling less of a "man", being unable to be there for his mom he prob feels helpless. This other person is filling a need.

Likely a need to feel useful, desired etc. I wish the best for you hang in there. Unless he has lied which I doubt bcuz he seems to be telling you things a husband wouldn't admit if it were a woman much less a man.. If he's being honest there is hope with professional help.

**HALFNOTHING** · 09-15-2009 02:42 AM

im so sorry..

my cousin is in the same situation with you.. her husband is a double blade.. he can't refuse men and women... if you're hubby goes the same.. there is no way he can turn his back on that act..

there is only two option:

close your eyes and take those acts
or
leave him...

**GlitterAndStuds** · 09-15-2009 07:59 AM

If he can't bring himself to end this thing with the other man, you'll need to take matters into your own hands.

He's your husband, so obviously you really love him. That always makes it harder. But if it were me, and I made it clear to him that I was not okay with that relationship continuing (and who would be?)...but he refused to end it...that's him telling me something right there. If he's not willing to give that up for the sake of your marriage, maybe you need to end it.

I know it's not that simple. And I can understand when someone is going through what he's going through, feeling depressed and hopeless, so getting any attention will make them feel better. But it doesn't justify what he's doing to you. Maybe you need to work this out through some marriage therapy, and he needs to get some therapy of his own, for sure.

Hopefully he's willing to work this out and meet you halfway.

**stressed** · 09-15-2009 10:09 AM

He can't have two lives; he can't have two partners, regardless of their sex. Would you have been less tolerant if the other person was a woman? It shouldn't matter whether it is a man or a woman. He's emotionally involved with another person, the choice of the gender is his own business, but getting involved like that and not wanting to end it is the worse kind of cheating.

Yes, he is depressed and is going through many issues at the moment, but you just can't help him if he treats you like this. Understanding has its limits too, you can't put your life aside for his sake. He chose to marry you and yet does what he does, you can't trust this man anymore. And let's say that he does break up with this man, how can you go on living your lives as you did before? He may recover but how can you recover after such a situation? Can you really get the mental image of your husband having sex with another man out of your head? Is this fair towards your children?

Please, don't give up your life for someone who is not worthy of your love. You seem reasonable and understanding but please don't do that to yourself anymore. There's nothing else you can do. I'm very sorry :-(

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