Rant - I cant say the L word

**stressed** · 09-17-2009 10:55 AM

You don't love him, you don't want to marry him, you don't want to hear the sound of his voice, he annoys you more than makes you feel good, you dread the moment he will migrate, there's no reason for you to stay in this, it would be a mistake.

The reason why he was upset on the phone could have been that he either truly loves you and felt insulted that you have doubts about it (since you asked him if he was really sure about his feelings), or he has you for granted and hates the idea of you not following the plan.
Either way, marrying or staying in this relationship would be a mistake you'd regret.

You know what you have to do and you have all the right to do it.

**Nats** · 09-17-2009 11:01 AM

I dont want to mess anything up for my family though...I know it sounds silly or immature or whatever but this will be the first marriage in my family of a daughter and alot of people are expecting it, hoping to attend and participate...You dont realize how many people you know until you're getting married...

So many people have expectations...I really dont want to disappoint anyone...especially my mom, who's done so much for me...

He really is a nice guy...Very attentive and romantic...I think there is something wrong with me, honestly...I wish I knew what it was...

**Nats** · 09-17-2009 11:02 AM

I'm sounding like Im throwing a self-pity party now...

**stressed** · 09-17-2009 11:25 AM

Originally Posted by Nats

I dont want to mess anything up for my family though...I know it sounds silly or immature or whatever but this will be the first marriage in my family of a daughter and alot of people are expecting it, hoping to attend and participate...You dont realize how many people you know until you're getting married...

So many people have expectations...I really dont want to disappoint anyone...especially my mom, who's done so much for me...

He really is a nice guy...Very attentive and romantic...I think there is something wrong with me, honestly...I wish I knew what it was...

When it comes to relationships and especially marriage, it's only two people who have a say about it: the future husband and the future wife; nobody else. It's you and he who are going to spend the rest of your lives together, it's he you will be going to bed with every night, not your family. You cannot live with someone you don't love, one day your confusion towards him will turn into hatred and this will lead you to other problems. You can't learn how to love someone; you can like him, admire him, respect him and so on, but learning to live with someone and adjusting is not love.

Yes, your family will be disappointed, but wouldn't they be even more disappointed if you'd divorce a few years later? Wouldn't they be unhappy knowing that their girl lives with a man she's not happy with? Every parent wants their children to be happy more than showing to the world that their children have settled, even if they show the opposite at times. Deep down they want you to be happy and if you marry because of pressure instead of love you won't be happy. One day you might hate your family for arranging this marriage if you still want to do it. Think ahead instead of thinking about how others feel, because we are talking about the rest of your life here, not a big party for people to attend.

Please think about it a lot and give your feelings the first priority over anything else. What you're feeling now is not confusion, is realization that you're about to do something you're against. Marriage is supposed to be a happy moment, not something to fear.

**Miya** · 09-17-2009 11:31 AM

Your predicament is such a tough one to be in and I truly feel for you in this. I think the issue of it being an arranged marriage has eluded some responders. It's very difficult to break with family wishes and cultural traditions, even in a country that (as a whole) really doesn't subscribe to that mode of thinking.

All in all though my dear, they are correct in that eventually it is YOUR life that will be most affected here and you will be the one who has to deal with making the marriage work because it just has to if you go that route.

BTW there is NOTHING wrong with you.

*hug*

**WildChild** · 09-17-2009 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by Nats

I dont want to mess anything up for my family though...I know it sounds silly or immature or whatever but this will be the first marriage in my family of a daughter and alot of people are expecting it, hoping to attend and participate...You dont realize how many people you know until you're getting married...

So many people have expectations...I really dont want to disappoint anyone...especially my mom, who's done so much for me...

He really is a nice guy...Very attentive and romantic...I think there is something wrong with me, honestly...I wish I knew what it was...

Who's life will you be living for the next 60 or 70 years and in what century?
What's wrong is, you don't love this man, you aren't attracted. Some women can do this, others can't without losing who they are.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-17-2009 12:21 PM

You ladies bring up an issue I didn't want to breach.

But that too, is what I felt when reading Nat's posts.

Rightfully or wrongfully so - your friends and family don't have to live in a loveless union for the rest of their lives. If he is already annoying you, that is a really bad sign. It only gets worse...rarely better.

**Nats** · 09-17-2009 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by Miya

Your predicament is such a tough one to be in and I truly feel for you in this. I think the issue of it being an arranged marriage has eluded some responders. It's very difficult to break with family wishes and cultural traditions, even in a country that (as a whole) really doesn't subscribe to that mode of thinking.

All in all though my dear, they are correct in that eventually it is YOUR life that will be most affected here and you will be the one who has to deal with making the marriage work because it just has to if you go that route.

BTW there is NOTHING wrong with you.

*hug*

Awww, thanks Miya...

**Nats** · 09-17-2009 01:14 PM

Thank you very much everyone, for all of your help, advice and support...I think I've made a decision that I'll stick to but I just want to say, even though I was brought up in a religion that doesnt believe in it, I DO believe in divorce. Sometimes, for whatever reason, it isnt right and its best to come out of it before children are involved. Watching my parents trapped in their loveless marriage has solidified my belief. People seem to think their actions dont affect their children but they do and I dont want my children to ever have to witness the kinds of things I've had to see.
I think once this marriage is complete and Im out on my own and away from my family, I've sort of completed my part of the bargain you know? In our culture, women are considered guests in their parents' home and arent really HOME until they are with their husband and his family. So I'll feel more free I guess, when Im away from my parents.
Marriage is compromise and I'd like to think that Im mature enough to take it on, even though my feelings dont reflect those of my fiance's.

**stressed** · 09-17-2009 01:33 PM

If you marry this man you will not be free... you will only be a 'guest' to your husband instead of your parents. He won't make it easy for you to divorce, he might even try to humiliate you, he might tell your parents that you found somebody else, you might get pregnant right away and then you won't want to leave because of the child. Marriage is not a compromise, the ones involved compromise and try to work out their differences and problems by both going half way, but what they have in common is that they love each other. If you don't love your man you won't want to compromise and will be miserable.

Waiting for a crash when you know you can avoid it is just wrong, you may ruin your life. Why go through a divorce, with possibly children, when you can go through a break up and move on instead? Because don't expect this man to divorce within a year or two, he will want children and who knows what else. You can't tell him "no, because I'm going to divorce you next month". Besides, you can't lie to someone and let him think you love him only to be free from your parents, that's taking advantage of him. And you'll have to lie a lot if you marry this man. Think about it.

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