Fiance wants to marry but...

**Miya** · 09-24-2009 09:42 AM

Questioning if he may be bi/gay then sulking instead of talking about it would do it for me. I can't really comment on the sex part because I didn't before I got married. (at least you're not left dissatisfied it it's not as "good" as another person).

I basically agree with everyone else. There are lots of red flags there.

**stressed** · 09-24-2009 03:36 PM

I talked to him about why sex is an issue, he didn't say much about it, he thought it went fine. Then later today he writes me this about porn (I've asked him to stop with it due to how sex is but now he only nags about it):

"i see your point, the only thing is tho i actually thought we had more sex then (when he watched porn), than now, i dont think it's related (to our bad sex life). but i see your point, although i dont know if it is the right way to go about, it could be, but it could also be wrong and also have an negative effect as this goes into the categories of things i used to do (drink, chat, watch porn) and strip me of everything or a person would maybe make them less affectionate"

So I texted him now at work, telling him if porn is such a big issue for him then for god's sake he can do it, but I won't have the same attitude towards sex anymore and I don't even want it. So scr*w it, he can have his porn, I will have mine, and I don't care about sex. What an idiot.

**Hopeless Dork** · 09-24-2009 04:57 PM

If you don't want sex with him anymore, and he'd prefer porn to sex with you and porn over your happiness.... plus all those other red flags... I'd have to agree with the ... this isn't meant for you... crowd.

If you can't agree on the fundamental things like what makes you happy sexually -- they will not improve because you sign a peice of paper. It is what it is and it will get no better. If the sex was 'better' back when he watched porn... thats and insulting thing for him to say, actually. To say that he wanted sex more when he thought about other people in porn enough to be turned on... ugh.. he sounds like a jerk, sweetie -- marry him and sign on to the long list of ladies in those sexless unhappy marriages with 3 kids strapped to their hip and no sign of a way out.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-25-2009 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by stressed

So I texted him now at work, telling him if porn is such a big issue for him then for god's sake he can do it, but I won't have the same attitude towards sex anymore and I don't even want it. So scr*w it, he can have his porn, I will have mine, and I don't care about sex.

So what is the point of sticking around?

Originally Posted by stressed

What an idiot.

And who's the idiot who is staying with him?

**Kung Fu Kitty** · 09-25-2009 10:39 AM

he expects oral,but wont give it in return?
his next present should be a bottle of jergens and a smut mag...what a a jerk!

**Miya** · 09-25-2009 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by Kung Fu Kitty

he expects oral,but wont give it in return?
his next present should be a bottle of jergens and a smut mag...what a a jerk!

LOL...totally!

**danceintx** · 09-25-2009 01:23 PM

The conversations you have had with him remind me of my ex. He would pull the same to avoid issues and true communication. Evading subjects, sulking, emotional blackmail, complete disregard for my feelings. I was dumb enought to still get married thinking it would work itself out, boy was I wrong. Getting married made it worse, and it was the most nightmarish I ever lived through. He also told me after the split up that he thought he was a sex addict. Don't ever assume that people think like you, will react like you. One of my biggest flaws. Marriage will not make any of this go away. I would be more worried about the crappy communication skills than I would the porn addiction.

**prawnprincess** · 09-26-2009 02:37 AM

Did you say you've been together for three years? Do you think the sex would change now?

**happy ending** · 09-26-2009 06:01 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I agree with Little. Few things get better with marriage. Marriage should be a seal on what is already good not an atempt to make anything better.

so so true!!!

**stressed** · 09-28-2009 06:50 AM

I don't have time to write much now, but I'll write tomorrow again.

We spent most of the weekend discussing (after arguing a lot the first day). Eventually, he claims he understands my views and doesn't think I ask for anything abnormal. He admits to not being good when it comes to sex and he doesn't have a problem with not watching porn until I'm comfortable with it. He says he sees porn as something extra and not something to replace sex with. About oral, he said he thinks it's better if he comes up to me and ask for it instead of going to a corner and masturbating and that I shouldn't make him feel bad about asking, although he also understands that I only want the same attention back and I didn't say no because I didn't want to but to show him he should do more.

So all that talk was on Friday, the weekend had been very quiet, nothing sexual at all and no improvement. He went to bed on Sunday night and I was annoyed. I got out of bed a couple of times and he woke up, so that gave me a chance to talk about it more, saying I thought we would work on it but he still didn't do anything. He went back to bed annoyed, then got up for a smoke, I joined him not showing I was upset any more but wasn't hoping for anything to happen either, and for some reason after the cigarette he got in the mood for sex; he did more than he has done in the last 6 months or so. He tried something he had been wanting to for a long time, so I don't know what's on his mind and what takes for him to start doing what he wants to instead of just sitting there.

It seems to be complicated...

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