Fiance seems to want different things than me?

**foxie11** · 09-28-2009 12:04 PM

Hi Everyone,

So My Fiancé and I have been together for over 6 years now, and I am turning 22 and he is 24.
He proposed to me 2 years ago on my birthday, the fancy dinner, the ring, the whole 9 yards, even got my dads permission. My family loves him, but knows about our issues. He lives in his grandpa’s basement right now, and doesn’t have plans to buy a place for another year or so. He won’t acknowledge renting either. Our wedding has been cancelled 3 times now because of him not being ready. We both work awesome jobs, I have my career going good for me working for our cities University, and he is almost a journeymen plumber.
I feel like I am constantly waiting and waiting for him to BE READY. And by that I mean ready to just move forward and have something to look forward to in our relationship. It’s so frustrating and depressing because all of our friends have started getting marred, buying or renting houses, etc. and it seems like my relationship with him has been empty promises and disappointment. We have taken breaks away from each other a couple of times now because we have been arguing more lately and he seems to be more into his friends than me. So yes, it does hurt. I have my own friends as well. It seems like he wants me there for his own comfort and when he wants to do his own thing he just kicks me to the curb. I love him so so much and if there’s any way to make this work other than to keep on waiting for an uncertain future than please tell me. The only feelings I feel when I think about our relationship now are hopelessness and disappointment and I feel horrible for all of it. I just feel like he proposed to me to be the good boyfriend you know? Like he had no intention of marrying me until he felt like it. Last night he said he doesn’t want kids until he is in his 30’s at least, I played it off like oh yeah whatever but I want kids before I’m 30! He seems like he has different ideas on life now and it hurts that this could happen to people that used to be so happy. I don’t understand why it happens…

**WildChild** · 09-28-2009 12:10 PM

You've been together since you were 16? That's ok. No need to hurry, you can get your education, improve your work skills and position. Why not save and buy your place, why do you have to wait for him? You aren't tied down with kids, this is your time to get out, go places and make things happen.

Marriage shouldn't be goal or destination. There is nothing wrong with being on your own, finding what you enjoy and living a full life. You may need to cut the strings and do some exploring on your own.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-28-2009 05:41 PM

You two are childhood sweethearts and on one hand, he doesn't want to lose you, after all more than likely he has love for you.

But, he doesn't want to get married young and he doesn't want children until he's 30 and more than likely that will escalate a bit longer as well.

He still wants to lead the single life but keep you in it.

In reality this is not what you are after, you want someone to want you in their life, marry you and have children now... He doesn't.

You can't change that.

You can walk away and see if he realises what he is missing and steps up a bit. But, he's living with his Grandparents because it's cheap, rental or owning a home is responsibility and also more finances and he doesn't want to part with those, favouring using his income to enjoy his life.

Think about it, there is no savings pattern for him is there, so he would crash and burn if he tried to rent or purchase, it hasn't been inbred into him, the word responsibility.

So, your life with a child with him would be very difficult you would not be able to work and your income would be his only and you would fight daily because there would be no affordability to buy anything or go anywhere ever.

Love or not... You need to ascertain if this is the life you want.

The only thing I can suggest seeing as your engaged, open a joint bank account and start saving for the future and see if he's willing, after all your engaged so there is meant to be a future. If he doesn't you may have some decisions to make..

CW

**stressed** · 09-29-2009 03:30 AM

I agree with what has been said. You are both very young and have plenty of time to consider marriage and children. We all set plans for our lives but they don't always go the way we planned them. Marriage requires more than love and if there are no serious problems in your relationship it will most likely turn into marriage.
Try to save money for your future, together, live together for a while and discuss the issue of having children. Your friends may be getting married and they may have children at a young age, but there is no rule or standard for when to do so. Even if you have children when you turn 28 you won't love them or him any less. I feel you are too young to be concerned so much about this. I am 25, I also see friends and relatives marry and have children, but I don't let that affect my life.

**OhThereYouAre** · 09-29-2009 07:32 AM

Originally Posted by foxie11

Hi Everyone,

So My Fiancé and I have been together for over 6 years now, and I am turning 22 and he is 24.
He proposed to me 2 years ago on my birthday, the fancy dinner, the ring, the whole 9 yards, even got my dads permission. My family loves him, but knows about our issues. He lives in his grandpa’s basement right now, and doesn’t have plans to buy a place for another year or so. He won’t acknowledge renting either. Our wedding has been cancelled 3 times now because of him not being ready. We both work awesome jobs, I have my career going good for me working for our cities University, and he is almost a journeymen plumber.
I feel like I am constantly waiting and waiting for him to BE READY. And by that I mean ready to just move forward and have something to look forward to in our relationship. It’s so frustrating and depressing because all of our friends have started getting marred, buying or renting houses, etc. and it seems like my relationship with him has been empty promises and disappointment. We have taken breaks away from each other a couple of times now because we have been arguing more lately and he seems to be more into his friends than me. So yes, it does hurt. I have my own friends as well. It seems like he wants me there for his own comfort and when he wants to do his own thing he just kicks me to the curb. I love him so so much and if there’s any way to make this work other than to keep on waiting for an uncertain future than please tell me. The only feelings I feel when I think about our relationship now are hopelessness and disappointment and I feel horrible for all of it. I just feel like he proposed to me to be the good boyfriend you know? Like he had no intention of marrying me until he felt like it. Last night he said he doesn’t want kids until he is in his 30’s at least, I played it off like oh yeah whatever but I want kids before I’m 30! He seems like he has different ideas on life now and it hurts that this could happen to people that used to be so happy. I don’t understand why it happens…

The man made a commitment to you with the proposal. You're gonna have to talk to him to find out if he still feels the same way.

There shouldn't be a timeline for marriage or kids. Allow things to move at their own pace. Don't look to your friends to ascertain where you should be in life. In 5 years, half of your married friends will be divorced.

There is no point in trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Why won't he rent? I'm assuming it's because he thinks its throwing away money?

**LanaBear** · 09-29-2009 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

In 5 years, half of your married friends will be divorced.

There is no point in trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Geez!

**prawnprincess** · 09-30-2009 10:08 PM

For a while I felt like I was putting all of my hopes and efforts toward a future with my boyfriend (saving, planning, etc.), while he was still just leaving it up to fate. A guy friend recently reminded me- if a guy wants something, he will do what it takes to get/keep it. Conversely, guys seem to want us less when we are so available. Well, to me this means that I need to focus more on moving toward what I want, and if my boyfriend really wants to be with me, he will make it happen. It sounds like your fiance might be taking you for granted (too common!), and maybe it's time for you to charge on with your life.

The kids issue can be so difficult! It's hard enough to find a guy you'd like to have kids with- and then he doesn't want them until later down the road! It's almost like we're held captive as we wait for it. I'm 25 and want kids before 30, too, but I've decided to live my life and see where it takes me rather than trying to alter my path so it ends at my boyfriend's doorstep.

**KMonte85** · 10-12-2009 03:06 PM

foxie11, you could have been writing my story. I also have been with my guy since I was 16 (I'm now 24). And he also likes to drag his feet when it comes to major milestones in life. He talks like we are engaged (our wedding should have this, we should get married outside, blah blah), but he never formally proposed to me or will set any sort of wedding date with me. He always talked a big game about buying a house together, but he never saved his $$ to put towards a down payment. The list goes on and on....

I've finally decided that I am not going to let a man dictate my life choices. Sure, 8 years is a long investment in a good guy who in most all respects a person that I have a terrific relationship with. He's loving, funny, and we get along great, and generally love each other's company. I'm still with him, but I'm living for me now. I bought myself a house, I'm taking enrichment classes at the local college to get out and meet new friends, I go out on a random weeknight with my girlfriends for a cocktail. I'm doing what I want in life as I am too young to be tied down waiting for someone who so far does not see the future the same way I do. Of course I still love him, and no I am not out dating, but I am also showing him that I am perfectly willing and able to live without him. Perhaps it will help him get his butt in gear, and maybe it will scare him away... Only time will tell, but one thing is for sure - *I* am happier!

Maybe if you start focusing on YOU, you both will see what a wonderful well rounded person you are, and you will stop wasting precious life on someone who is unsure. And he will open his eyes and see that if he really does love you and wants to spend his life with you, he will get moving, before you move on to bigger and better things without him.

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